Sunday, February 24, 2013

Health Hurdles

Hi. I'm back. Sorry that I haven't posted in a while, but I've had some health issues to take care of. I appreicate your patience.

This is a journal entry from Tuesday 1/1/13

I've been living with blinders on. I've been focusing on what I want to do and  how I want my life to be. It often becomes what I need to do to do something different.

I Am here now. I Am worthy. I Am valuable. I Am loveable. I don't need to earn the privilege of living. I Am alive. I Am worthy of life. I Am worthy of wealth. I Am worthy of prosperity. I Am worthy of work that I love. There is no reason to be ashamed of who I am.

I now recognize that when I hide aspects of myself, when I don't feel comfortable being myself, I am feeling shame.

So, instead of focusing on where I want to go to eventually be free, I now need to begin being free now. Sometimes, I need to focus on what my feelings are instead of on what I'm thinking. It's time to begin feeling my way forward.

This is a journal entry from Saturday 1/5/13

I recognize that I haven't been nourishing myself very well. I am focused on work. I'm working at odd hours. There are two more weeks of this.

I feel a little overwhelmed because ideas are coming fast. I want to be an assistant to someone doing important work. A partner that I look up to as a mentor. I want to focus on creating the circumstances for my success. I want to plot my sabbatical. When I start one train of thought, another rises. It becomes rambling.

It's necessary.

If I detach yet again from convention, what do I need to be the man I would become? What do I see for myself in this moment?

It's really not about sex. It's not about porn. It's about honoring life. Can I allow others to be themselves when I resist their actions? When I can't see from their perspective? The problem, I think, is that I believe I understand their perspective and reject it. In truth, I can't understand anyone's perspective but my own. Language lies to us. Deeper truths are very difficult to communicate. We can speak them, but the other person will hear their own concept of what we say. With love, we get closer. With anger, we separate farther. We can start listening more closely with our hearts. I would guess this is a cornerstone for peace.

My goal for today is to become more relaxed and open to inspiration to find my power, my confidence. If I only had a word for the feeling I sense.

It comes back to the question: “If I didn't worry about money, how would I spend my time?”

This is a journal entry from Monday 1/7/13

I'm trying to control my emotions. There are uncomfortable emotions and I don't want to feel them. Right now, it's anxiety. In my head, I'm trying to find the thoughts that empower me and lessen the anxiety.

How can I learn to embrace my emotions? How do fear, anxiety and anger serve me? I spend enormous amounts of energy trying to suppress them.

This is a journal entry from Saturday 1/12/13

I Am what I Am. I Am worthy of life. I can be still, and listen. I Am here and now in this present eternal moment.

Realizing my authority has to do with eliminating the habit of being self critical. It means overcoming the feeling it's possible to slip up and make mistakes. It means overcoming the feeling that there are mistakes, overcoming the feeling that if I don't do something that I will be a failure.

Mistakes are good. If they weren't then we wouldn't make so many.

I don't have to drive myself. I don't need to push myself. No one's pushing the leaders of mega profitable corporations. If they are, those leaders have the power and authority to ignore them and remain true to themselves. I have that power and authority.

What is my objective for my sabbatical? To recharge. To reassess. To detach. Nothing I decide is written in stone.

The goal is to uncover a life I want to live, to uncover my authenticity, to hold true to my principles, to tell the truth about myself. To live my life as I would live it, as the man who I would be would live it.

This is a journal entry from Sunday 1/13/13

I'm not happy in my current job. It doesn't fit who I am. My goal is to find a better fit. But I don't want to be blind that I may fit in anywhere. Maybe it's not that my job is a bad fit, but maybe I'm not embracing the confidence to feel comfortable. It doesn't feel right.

The answer is simple, so obvious that I have trouble seeing it. Transcendence.

This is a journal entry from Tuesday 1/22/13

I have had a tough time. Last week, I got really weak. It turned out I was bleeding. On Tuesday morning, they did an endoscopy thing down my throat. They called it cirrhosis of the liver. They were able to mostly stop the bleeding. I didn't test positive for hepatitis, so they said it was because of drinking. Alcohol was never my drug of choice. It didn't add up.

They did a liver biopsy before I left the hospital. I think that it showed that my liver was working OK. I suspect I'll be back to normal soon. It was a scary time. I still don't understand.

What's more amazing is how miraculous the medical technology was. I had a camera down my throat. They put bands around the spots where I was bleeding. It was amazing. How would this have unfolded a few years ago? Surgery? How invasive?

The nurses were the real healers. I was treated with such love and attention. I don't have a clue how they do that. I feel so weak in comparison. I am in awe of their strength.

I did fairly well, but touched on the terror I would feel if my life was coming to a close in the hospital. If things are going relatively well or if things are getting better, then the hospital isn't that bad. Some people are there in great pain, or do not anticipate leaving alive. Those are the things I wasn't able to process. Somehow the nurses are able to process this and still be present for their patients. I can't even fathom.

This is a journal entry from Sunday 1/27/13

I still want to quit work. My recent time in the hospital has only underscored that I'm not feeling true to myself. I need the time to investigate my feelings and to be aligned.

There's a sense of accepting something I don't want. I could see that as being necessary if I lacked the skills I needed to have the job of my choice, but I am highly skilled. I have the capacity to create the job I desire.

It's so difficult not to be rushed. There never seems time to investigate a subject completely. Just enough time to figure out the minimum to get by. It's time to take time.

This is a journal entry from Saturday 2/2/13

I'm writing a letter of resignation to give to my boss on Monday. I'm thinking of taking six and a half months off. I want to take the time to evaluate what I really want to do. I want to take control of my career instead of being swept along by it.

First, my cash reserves will take a big hit when I'd rather be saving money. At the same time, my hospital visit reminded me that my life needs to be lived now.

I think to myself that I won't be able to make what I'm making now if I work for myself. That thought keeps coming to mind. I don't know that it's true because I don't know what I'm capable of.

I feel like I accepted a job that was not for me. I'm doing work that doesn't move me and doesn't give me time to have meaning in my life. But I am afraid of losing income and insurance. I would like to find a job that allows me to live my life authentically. That means allowing time for my retreats and vacations. Six weeks per year. Work should not drain me so that I have energy to grow my brand outside of work.

I've got competition between my fear of quitting and my unhappiness at work. There's a difference between looking for a job that make me happy and looking for a job that doesn't make me unhappy. I don't like the idea of quitting without a job to take it's place, but I think it's needed. I've been between jobs before.

This is a journal entry from Wednesday 2/6/13

(I caught the flu and picked up a fever on the night of Saturday January 27th)

My fever has broken, but I can't get myself to log in. I have zero interest in work. I've missed the opportunity to give my two weeks notice before SEE-in-the-Field., but it was difficult to justify taking such a long time on sabbatical. At the same time, I have zero interest in work.

I want more.

I can't ask what job would make me happy because that's not a valid question.

If I am fulfilled, what does my life look lie? There is confidence instead of stress. There is faith instead of fear. That may be the key. I feel defensive. How do I follow my heart? How do I accept events in my life? I am free to make mistakes in my life, because there really are no mistakes.

I don't want to waste my time at work anymore. What gift do I have for the world? Scratch that. I am a gift to this world. I am a conduit for Source.

This is a journal entry from Saturday 2/9/13

I'm taking a course called “Publishing your transformational story.” I still don't know what story to tell. I think they're focusing more on Unity church. I'm focused more on sex.

I want to find a way to talk about sex without triggering the judgments. I also want to tell a story of transformation. What transformation stories do I have?

This is a journal entry from Tuesday 2/12/13

Who am I? That seems like a fair question as I think about changing my life's course. I know I'm not who I thought I was a few years ago. Since then, I've found the freedom to wear dresses and do other things I didn't believe were me.

If I was who I thought I was, I might enjoy working for this company instead of feeling trapped. I've never felt trapped as long as I was moving forward, but I don't know where to go next. I want to do my own thing, not work for anyone else.

I am free. That's who I am.

The last few weeks have really shown that life is precious, that its a bad idea to waste it. It's also shown me nice insurance can be in health emergencies. It seemed like the right time to walk, but then I had the fever - maybe the flu.

I want to go to Sacred Intimacy Training and Burning Man, but what is my work? I don't want to get the priorities switched. I'm here to teach that sex is good. That I can be graphically sexual and have a deeply spiritual life. Is that my work?

I also imagine writing some software. Whatever I do involves slowing down enough to thoroughly enjoy it. No more rushing to get the next thing done. This is power.

What can I give? My heart.