Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Blog Consolidation - I'm moving!

Greetings All,

For a long time, I have maintained this blog - a non-adult blog. Sometimes I have had mature subject matter, but I have put anything that was too mature or graphic in my adult blog. This has been problematic. It's been difficult to give both blogs equal attention. I have been posting journal entries here, but have sometimes had to censor what I say - or post specific journal entries in the adult blog. I've decided to simplify.

In order to censor myself less, I've decided to move to the adult blog. Everything that used to be posted here will now be posted there. Sometimes perfectly G-Rated material will be on the adult blog. Sometimes graphic fiction or fact will also be present. I hope you'll continue reading my blog there.

I'm not going to delete this blog. There's too much here and there's no way to easily move it over that I'm aware of. The first set of journal entries are now available here on the adult blog: Time and Utopia: Journal Entries.

Thanks and Blessings,


Saturday, October 12, 2013

Prosperity and Authenticity

Hi All,

I feel bad that it's been a while since my last blog post, but I've been feeling very busy. I've had my first DVD reproduced and they area ready to start selling online. I've had some dental work. I'm working with clients and another SI. I'm starting to look for another software development position. I wish I had a better grasp on how to handle this growth spurt. :)


This is a journal entry from Monday 9/23/13

Going to Las Vegas is a good way to explore ideas about money. While gambling, I was confronted with ideas about prosperity and about presence. I had a hard time trying to think of any justification for winning. I am already prosperous and winning money wouldn't affect that. It short circuited my ability to make use of the Law Of Attraction.

I was also noticing how hard it is to treat every roll of the dice as the first roll. If it came up a number of times, it felt like it would be less likely to come up again – completely false. The two times I was a dice roller, I lost in ways that took the maximum money from me. If the rollers lost for a while, I couldn't see how they could keep losing. Completely irrelevant. Each moment is the only moment. The past doesn't determine the future. A very valuable spiritual lesson. I only wanted the cash. :)

If I can't move myself to a place of receptivity, it will be hard for me to allow myself to win. In playing, I get more and more nervous as my betting pool shrinks, but in some games – it only takes one roll to win lots of money. I find myself trying to force something to happen through a force of will. The more money I've gambled, the less confident I am of winning.

There's no justification for winning, but there doesn't need to be. I am worthy of prosperity. Money is one aspect of that. If I gain the use of a large amount of money, I could be of greater service and still be able to travel and take care of myself.

It's time to start being true to who I am. Time to live in the present moment and follow my heart. Time to take note of what doesn't serve me and what does.

This is a journal entry from Friday 9/27/13

My old way of life isn't serving me. There are habits and desires that don't really suit me. How can I free myself? The direction to follow is "forward." I don't want to avoid things. I fear using TV or masturbation. I want to find the way forward. I want to write. I want to make videos. I want to do web work.

Part of my calling is to help people get beyond the superficial. I'm convinced most people aren't aware of how rich the world of sexuality is. They think it's about trying new sex acts or different positions. They don't perceive the depth of their sexual world and the power for healing and creativity it offers. They are afraid to look. God has put me on this earth at this time to help them integrate this aspect of themselves.

The world needs open-hearted masculinity. That's what happened to me. My heart was cracked open.

At the same time, I recognize that civilization is at a tipping point. Individuals have vast power unlike anything we have seen in the past. The Earth needs us to take responsibility. It won't be a liberal or conservative future. It will require self-reliance preached by conservatives and compassion preached by liberals. It will require self-interest in preserving and caring for the environment and each other.

I have power. I can create value. My calling is to help people reconcile their sexuality and spirituality. Many believe sexuality lies in a box that must not be opened, so disease festers there. We are a childish species.

This is a journal entry from Saturday 9/28/13

There's much more to Sacred Intimacy than sexuality. For many, sex doesn't even factor in. Erotic touch is a factor for me only because so many people are erotically wounded.

What is the direction for my life? It may be that the direction of my life will only come up as I am presented with choices. Utopia. Beauty. Sustainability. Love. Prosperity. Healing.

Does a spiritual life mean one of austerity? Do I continue working for retirement or retire now? Life is my choosing every moment. My belief activates my faith which creates my perception. I detach.

I'm afraid if I start working again as a software developer, I will again have all of my precious time sucked up and I will neglect my mission. I don't want to be sucked dry.

I want to step back. Instead of trying to decide what to do for myself, I imagine directing someone else to follow my direction. What might that look like?

I might ask if it's possible to turn authenticity into an income, but I believe real prosperity can only come with authenticity. What is easy and effortless for me? Where do I flow?

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Sacred Intimate Journey Volume 1: Pleasure

Good news, everyone!

My first erotic education DVD is currently being reproduced for release in the next few weeks. I expect to begin shipping pre-ordered DVDs on September 16, 2013. I'm just at the beginning of my Sacred Intimate journey and this video captures that. There is much more to Sacred Intimacy than simply touching. The erotic energy that I can generate can foster healing and create change in your life. This DVD is just the beginning.

This video contains two sessions. The first is a demonstration of my Orgasmic Yoga practice. Every session is different, but it can form the foundation for anyone wanting to start a practice of their own. I describe what I'm doing as you watch and hopefully practice along with me.

I give Scott T. Trott an erotic massage for the second session. It's a fairly brief session, but I also describe what I'm doing so that you and an intimate friend can follow along.

This DVD costs $29.95. Please consider ordering it now!

Thursday, September 26, 2013

My first erotic education DVD is coming.

I'm posting this from lovely Palm Springs at the Vista Grande/Avalon/Mirage. We just arrived yesterday after spending a few days in Las Vegas. I didn't win millions of dollars, but there's a casino here. :)

This is a journal entry from Tuesday 9/9/13

I left my job in April so that I could work on some projects of my own. I'm uncomfortable not having a corporate job, but I'm free at the moment. If I can find what I'm looking for, I never have to go back to work.

I have been adaptable, reworking my website, looking for ways to make myself known. I understand the metaphysics. I focus on the ultimate goal and let go of the rest. I open myself to opportunities. It's never as simple as it seems. It's much simpler.

My brain is limited, but I am not. I only have a little time left to get my life in order before it takes off. Expunge the past.

This is a journal entry from Monday 9/16/13

I attended a CBE over the weekend. A question was asked about what we wanted to learn. My intention had been to be more clear about the direction of my life. What I came up with was that what I wanted to learn was that I could be going in the right direction without trying. How else can I phrase that? Instead of trying to figure out the direction for my life, I could allow it to be and to unfold. Just answering the question was the thing I was trying to learn.

Another piece of that came up after the last big draw. I had the sensation of drifting forward and kind of bobbing in the new position. That felt like another answer to the question about my direction: The only direction I need to go is forward. Maybe that's just the answer for now, but I find it satisfying. I was looking for something more concrete, but maybe that's not what's important right now.

And I do have a direction forward. I am about to reproduce an erotic DVD. That will be something I own and can sell online. That would allow the possibility of a passive income. I also intend to write a book which could provide another avenue of passive income. With that and a Sacred Intimacy business, there's the possibility I could achieve a living income without selling my soul.

I also need to update my resume with my business experience.

Monday, September 9, 2013

Anger Issues

This is a journal entry from Sunday 9/8/13

I recently had a Sacred Intimate session where I explored my first grade experience of kissing my best friend, another boy, on the lips. I've been working with it for a while. This time, I was focusing on expressing the anger I felt at the impact the class's response had on my life. I learned not to trust myself and began to hide who I was.

In the session, I had a realization that was new. I realized that the reaction of the other children had nothing to do with me. They were the ones with an idea about how things were supposed to be that wasn't accurate, not me. Their parents and the culture they lived in taught them something that wasn't true for me, and to lash out. It was their learned behavior. It wasn't about me. It was never about me. My anger went away. I realized the other kids weren't attacking me. It was all the story they were telling themselves about how the world was. They were limited at that early age in their ability to grow. They were damaged to want to damage me.
Yes, they were dicks, but it doesn't change who I am. I'm curious how that insight will trickle through my time-line. Every time I reacted to someone's judgment, it wasn't necessary. I was always OK. When I'm told I'm Popeye because my arms look dysmorphicly skinny, it's not about me. My arms are fine. I'm not skinny. I'm perfect. I don't have to react anymore.
The one insight ripples through all the self-esteem related wounds of my life. I'm OK. I was always OK. It was all in their heads to think I was anything less than a perfect open-hearted loving child.

Thursday, September 5, 2013

I am big, powerful, and wise.

This is a journal entry from Wednesday 8/14/13

I want to change how I feel. How I feel is interfering with my life, or I am letting how I feel interfere with my life.

So much of my life seems to have been spent trying to manage my feelings, or avoiding them. I've spent hours being paralyzed trying to find motivation to do something.

When am I going to start taking care of myself? How do I take care of myself? It seems like I wake up and start pushing myself to be productive while doing nothing. The gas pedal is pressed and the brake is fully engaged. “I don't want to...” If I don't want to, there may be a reason. What am I avoiding? What is it that I do want to do?

My faith operates on the field of divine substance. It always does. That's what it does. I'm getting what I perceive. I can change my perception. Faith is the perceiving power of mind which shapes and forms substance – according to the 4T Prosperity Program.

Lately, I am full of self doubt. I don't feel capable of doing the job I've been doing for years anymore. I feel attacked during interviews. I have doubts that God will prosper me. I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

I know that I am big. Heidi taught me how powerful I truly am. I am big and powerful and wise. I am the giant redwood. Firmly rooted in the earth, my branches reach the heavens. I  get sucked into low level programming problems during interviews and lose sight of the depth of my power. My power runs deep.

I am my own benefactor.

If I want a full time job doing software development, I would need to prepare. I would want to research what I have done to remember the technical terms. I would want retraining. I feel like I need to grow up. It's not what I want to do.

On the other hand, I'm not making money as a Sacred Intimate. I have not found a revenue stream that honors that part of myself. God provides for all my needs.

I could write a book. I could finish my first DVD. That would be something I could sell. It could explain what I have to offer.

I know that I have an important part to play. I trust that I will be guided right to it if I stay aware. I now feel guided to act as my own agent.

This is a journal entry from Thursday 8/15/13

Yesterday didn't go very well for me. I have been not feeling that well physically – starting with a  fever on Tuesday night. It probably tainted my emotional state. Part of the problem also is looking for a new job, and having a severe lack of confidence in that endeavor.

My spirit animal currently is the dragon fly. One aspect of that is that I know who I really am. The idea is that I hide my strength and power by pretending to be weak and not very smart. I recognize hiding my true nature. I recognize my cleverness. I'm still afraid to express it.

Yesterday, I noticed feeling tired. I laid down and relaxed. I don't want to do that often. I need exercise to stay healthy. I don't think I was sleepy. I think I was anxious. I think I was feeling avoidance. I spend too much time feeling paralyzed. Again, I want to know how I can learn to take my foot off the brake, and gently accelerate.

What have I learned? How do I give myself permission to embrace my power? I have an interview tomorrow. Do I wear my nose-ring or pretend that I don't have one? Do I assimilate?

If my ultimate mission it to give others permission to explore physical desire, grow spiritual understanding and heal their wounds, then I need to think about how I can do that most effectively. My vision statement may need one more revision. I still see piping money from my software development career into this core work. My work is best served through education in self care. I need to learn to care for myself to help others learn to do that.

Is my mission a charity? How can I live my mission today?

This is a journal entry from Saturday 8/17/13

The dragonfly taught me something. I sense that I already know what I need to do and that it's time to stop playing dumb. I am caught in avoidance.

I will begin at the beginning. “Seek ye first the Kingdom.” This could be the one and only true step. Seeking to be aware of the divine presence within. Quieting the chattering mind. Learning to trust that everything is OK. Letting my heart soar as I sense the life in this body. This is what I always forget, then it becomes putting out the next fire. When I feel anxious, I am out of touch with my awareness of the perfection of life. I am guided to where I need to be.

My mission is to help people feel free to be fully embodied and to reconcile that with their spirituality, to help people heal and grow. I sense that means finding a job and letting it bless my mission with money to grow it. However, a job isn't necessary. What I need are avenues to receive money. God prospers me opulently.

I now know that I am powerful and wise beyond my own understanding, beyond my ability to accept.

This is a journal entry from Sunday 8/18/13

There is nothing I can't accomplish. I am big, powerful, and wise. I have no need of fear. I find myself releasing attachments.

Whatever happens is none of my business. I am responsible for my experience and actions. This is where my power is.

I will likely have an interview Monday or Tuesday. I am afraid of it. I want to get this contract, but my self-doubt will prevent it. If I go in and feel like I've lost the contract before I get it, I will also lose out.

It's none of my business what happens.

Prosperity grows.

I am powerful. I can use that power any way that I choose.

So, I can step back and stop trying to force things to move quickly. I'm thinking about my prosperity and what it is I have to offer the world.

This is a journal entry from Tuesday 8/20/13

This is a wonderful time to let go of my ego. I have no reason to believe the interview today would go badly. I don't have to take anything today personally. I can let my fear dissolve my ego. I can use this experience to help me wake up.

My wish is to step into this job and continue funding my mission. It's not something I really want to do. I don't want to take time away from what's important, but that's what is happening. Money affords me a certain amount of freedom. Everything is God. All is Love.

I want to rework my DVD and make some reproductions and begin marketing it.

I feel like I need a job. I still haven't looked for a job. I've been letting them come to me. For all I know, this company I'm interviewing with today is a gift from God, an avenue for prosperity. My ego may stand between me and prosperity.

I am a Sacred Intimate, but I have not been taking care of myself lately. I have found myself angry for no reason. I feel that I am missing some nourishment, but I'm not sure what. It feel like I'm tired and hungry and that makes me irritable naturally. I don't know how to shake the tired feeling. Rest doesn't seem to help. It may be anxiety.

My faith operates on the field or divine substance that surrounds me, opulently prospering me.

This is a journal entry from Sunday 8/25/13

I'm feeling anxious about work again. I still have money in reserve, but I feel the desire to be in the flow of prosperity again. I know I can't not be in the flow, but I'm looking for an avenue for money to come to me. Maybe I've forgotten to trust God?

I had forgotten about trusting God and being guided by him. I've thought about being guided and then turned back to try to figure out what to do next. I still feel I know who I really am, but haven't found a way to express it.

Each morning, I sit and try to connect with God, but my thoughts turn to finding my next job. I'm afraid finding my next job will keep me from living my passion, will trap me. I've been angry in traffic and not nourished.

I value my ability to create. I recognize I create the life I live. So far, my life has been created by my random thoughts. Now I wish to design my life. I want nudity to be part of that design. I keep slipping back and thinking that first I need to make money...

That's not it. Money is a side effect.

I can write.

What is important? I'm all in.

I am big, powerful, and wise. I don't have to know how to serve.

This is a journal entry from Tuesday 8/27/13

The answer is right in front of my nose. I have been opening up. I am finding new freedoms within myself all the time. I remember the moment I found the freedom to put on makeup and wear a dress. I am big, powerful, and wise. That is the direction I have been traveling and growing.

My male SI has helped me see that I am not in the flow. This makes sense to me. I have been feeling like there's a log jam. It seemed to come up when I began getting calls from recruiters and again began looking for a job in a field I know but which I dislike. So now, I'm looking for my flow.

Where are things that are easy and effortless in my life? Where have I been pointed?

This is a journal entry from Wednesday 8/28/13

There is every reason to believe that I will have a great day. I don't need a reason. I need to take care of myself.

Stop seeking for a while. What is it that I want that is taking me out of the flow? What is easy and effortless? Computers are easy and effortless, except for the continuous need to expand my knowledge with changing technologies.

This is a journal entry from Sunday 9/1/13

Today's card is Death. I have begun going through the Tarot cards one card per day – or until I feel comfortable knowing what the card means. I chose the first card randomly and Death is the one that came up.  It represents change and transformation, endings and beginnings.

It feels meaningful that the first card is Death. I have been in a place of transition for a while.  First becoming dissatisfied at work in the software development industry. I was no longer being nourished. I was tired and angry. I was laid off. I contracted and worked for a small company before moving to a large company where I again became dissatisfied. It doesn't work.

Now I find myself here. I had wanted a familiar job that paid well, but I haven't found it. I sense an ending as I begin to embrace the life of a Sacred Intimate. I believe that sex is an innocent act and I demonstrate that on camera with self-touch and erotic massage exchange. As a sex educator, how can I say that sex is nothing to be ashamed of and then avoid being seen in sexual contexts – naked and in erotic ecstasy?

I am moving closer to serving paying clients as a Sacred Intimate. It feels more and more natural. I am continuing to move forward with my first DVD which may be two DVDs. I intend to speak to the camera today and explain my Orgasmic Yoga practice and invite the watcher to join me for an extended period of self-love. I feel comfortable with this. It feels right.

Is this the end of software development? I feel that I am at a transition. I need to be motivated by love of what I do and not by money. The revenue stream is essential, but it cannot stand on its own. It needs to be founded in love, but I need to give God an avenue to prosper me. Or I need to listen to God for guidance about where a soul nourishing revenue stream lies.

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Prosperous Healer and Sacred Intimate

This is a journal entry from Monday 7/22/13

I'm looking for an insight I can put to practical use for prosperity class.
  • One option has to do with being more aware of the God Substance surrounding me.
  • Another is Chapter 9 in Spiritual Economics pages 155-156: “...Mattern had to overcome was the feeling of needing money... you need faith. You need a flow of creativity. You need ideas... if you consciously imbue your money with the idea of abundance, it will begin to work for you in a positive way. Suddenly the seemingly little supply becomes dynamic seed money, giving rise to unbelievable increase.

This is a journal entry from Tuesday 7/23/13

I am clothed in divine substance. The power of God supports me. The intelligence of God is fully available to me.

I have a technical interview today. I feel anxiety. I don't think I can "pass" this interview. Even though I am not attached to this job, I feel threatened by the interview – of having my lack of knowledge exposed. I want a job, but I don't want to have to interview. I hate the powerless vulnerable exposed position of being interviewed. What true affirmations can I hold onto?

I am fully qualified for his position. Anything I don't know, I can learn. My skills are impeccable. My wisdom runs deep.

This is a journal entry from Thursday 7/25/13

I woke up this morning and my ego/conscious mind thinks it's responsible for finding a job. God is the source of my supply and I am swimming in substance that provides for every need.

The first thing I have to overcome is the feeling of needing money. God is the source of all-providing substance. I am worthy of prosperity – which is the multiplying of manifesting substance.

My conscious mind tells me the best way to be able to expand my sacred healing calling is to find a nicely paying job with insurance and vacation. I am swimming in divine substance that responds to thoughts I hold in mind. How do allow God's prospering power to flow through me – or for me.

My faith operates on the field of divine substance that surrounds me and manifests opulent prosperity. I prosper as healer and Sacred Intimate.

My consciousness sometimes acts as an impediment because of the influence of ego. I would like to find ways to set it aside so that I can continue to unfold spiritually and find my true strength.

This is a journal entry from Friday 7/26/13

There are several things going through my mind this morning. What do I want my life to look like? What do I want my day to look like? What service do I want to provide?

I am afraid getting a full time job again will pull me off track in my life mission. Life is too short to be doing other people's work. Having money for these intensives that open me up is great, but working without any enthusiasm depletes me.

My instinct says to follow my enthusiasm. What inspires me? I am still afraid, afraid of living my greatness.

This is a journal entry from Sunday 7/28/13

I'm considering what to do about my Sacred Intimacy landing page. What do I present?

How do you experience your body in the world today? There has been a prevalent thrust to deny the body and emotions in modern culture. We see how this plays out when those in the public sphere repress and hide their natures so deeply that the pressure builds and they act out in unhealthy ways, leading to scandals.

What if you gave yourself permission to consciously meet your physical and emotional needs? What if you could spend 90 minutes a month and escape the superficial life of modern society and experience deeper connection with another human being as nature intended? What if you could practice being physically and emotionally intimate with another human in a safe and calming nonjudgmental environment? What if you could gently stretch your comfort zone, whatever your present comfort zone is?

Maybe being intimate with a man is tough. Maybe sex seems so routine that you think you need more extreme sensation. Maybe a no-strings-attached professional is exactly what you need to reconnect with deeper more meaningful desires. My calling in life is to be of service in this way for you.

This is a journal entry from Saturday 8/3/13

With the reading from the SEE classes and Work Less, Make More book and my Yoga of Sex class, there is more on my plate than I can handle. I want to grab hold and complete everything. I feel my whole body tightening up to fight for it. That approach doesn't work.

I've also updated my website with a focus on Sacred Intimacy and I've begun asking men to join me for Orgasmic Yoga. Responding to everyone has been time consuming. I'm also responding to recruiters. I need to own my time. I haven't found a balance yet.

My relationship with time is not right. I perceive myself having less and less time. I see things that are not being completed. I can imagine living in the eternal present moment, but I'm not making progress with Yoga of Sex because of  other concerns. I want to accomplish too much, so I accomplish very little. I've actually accomplished much as far as redirecting my life toward my heart's desire.

I feel that I need to release my demands on what I do. I need to release the way of seeing time that I received from the world, and let God be my vision.

Just like everything else, God is my supply. He provides for all my needs before I ask. I feel that it's time to tune into that supply. My mission in life was given me by God. To live my mission brings me fulfillment. I can surrender myself to the will of God. That would align me with my authentic self.

Thank you, God, for guiding me. I rejoice in my mission of service to you. Thank you for the abundance of divine substance that I form and shape through faith. My faith operates on the field of divine substance that surrounds me to opulently prosper me in my calling as healer and Sacred Intimate.

This is a journal entry from Sunday 8/4/13

I'm looking for a new way of life. I must always begin from this state of mind, where I am not governed by a clock. I live in the eternal present moment. I Am an extension of God, who  provides for me my every need. My job is to be unlimited.

My rational mind tells me there's not enough time to do all the reading I want to do and all the studying. In the end, I am here to act, not to prepare. But I was given this mind to support my mission in the physical world.

I want to serve as a Sacred Intimate, foster sacred erotic community, and advocate for sexual freedom.

I want to nurture myself with orgasmic yoga, physical exercise, and healthy food. I want to grow my ability to serve by completing my Yoga of Sex and Sexological Bodyworker trainings and to become a Licensed Unity Teacher.

I recognize my relationship with time is broken. I believe I am limited to 24 hours per day and that there is too much to do. That all comes from the world. The Truth is that I'm an eternal mind being living in the eternal present moment. Since time itself is an illusion, how can there ever be “enough” of it?

God provides for all that I need. All that I ask, I receive. I wish to live a wholly (holy) satisfying life in the eternal present moment. My sense that there isn't enough time ultimately stems from a sense of mortality and an ending to this physical manifestation. Life is going faster and faster to that endpoint. I can surrender and let God worry about that so that I can focus on living.