Sunday, May 31, 2009

I am looking for a new job/career

I'm looking for a job where I don't have to pretend to be asexual, or work in an environment where we pretend sex doesn't exist. I don't need to work in the sex industry. There's more to life than sex, but I don't want to pretend it doesn't exist. I want to work where the people I work with won't be bothered that I am a nudist and an exhibitionist who posts his video clips on X-Tube.

I dream of working in a more laid back atmosphere where I don't feel the need to continuously prove myself. Where I can focus on the quality instead of the quantity.

The problem is that I don't know what this job that I'm seeking is. I really want to be a productive member of society, but I want a job where I can honor myself instead of being superficial. I would also like to be less stressed and be able to pay the bills.

I might be more effective if I can leverage my years of software development experience. I imagine working in a clothing optional resort, or with some organization that promotes sexual freedom that honors the spiritual self would be exceptional.

If you know of any career fields or companies where these needs can be met, please reply to this post.

Sunday, May 24, 2009


I've been through alot in the past several months. I can't believe I haven't posted about it. Let me catch you up.
In early March, I was laid off. Even with the economy the way it was, it was unexpected. I had survived layoffs during the tech bust and the company wasn't making any indications that there was trouble ahead as long as we buckled down. Oh, well. Years of experience and loyalty don't always pay off. In the 21st century, we need to start fending for ourselves.
I decided to apply for unemployment and to start earning money as a freelancer/contractor/consultant. The only problem was that Rex Harley Unlimited isn't earning any income yet. So I decided to do what I've been doing for years, but doing it for myself. Then I ran into my second problem. I wanted to grow Rex Harley to include web development work, but I don't know the current web design tools. I've been learning PHP, JavaScript and AJAX, but I don't have any work experience with them yet.
The end result was that I was frazzled. I was attending networking events. I was bouncing between marketing myself as a web developer and being a java developer and looking for contract versus full time positions. I was studying new web design tools. I was building a blog application for the Rex Harley website (which has yet to be completed). My schedule was filling up, but I wasn't getting anywhere and I wasn't earning any income.
Luckily, I was able to land a contract position at the beginning of May. I deposited the first check on Friday. But I'm not any less tense, it's just that I'm tense for other reasons. Now I'm less worried about my savings disappearing, but I'm more worried that I can't devote the time to Rex Harley Unlimited. My last blog entry was about that feeling of fighting myself to get myself to do things I don't want to do. I'm still tense trying to figure out what to do next, even when I'm at Lonestar with over 100 other gay men. This is a transition to a new beginning, but I have the feeling it's going to be unfolding for years to come.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

I'm Tired of Fighting

I'm tired of fighting.
That sums it up well. I want to feel nourished because I'm on empty because I fight myself all the time.
I can recognize it when I say "Come on!" or "Think!" That's when I'm aware that I'm resisting doing what I feel I'm supposed to do. It's like the voice inside yelling at that resistant part. Where did this idea come from that I'm a speaker and a speakee? I'm one person . Is the speaker the one with the power? Then why not act instead of goading the self? Is that which resists my true self?
My goal is to speak from that place of resistance in hopes of finding what I truly need.
It's time to stop fighting. I'm not that critical voice that harangues me to do more in less time. That's not where my power lies.
When you're feeling weak and want to force yourself to do something and the tension rises, take a moment to sense who it is you're trying to control. Stop turning that energy inward. Find out what your wholeness wants and give yourself what you need.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

I am Rex Harley

My last blog entry was about how I can be promoting authenticity while at the same time using a stage name. This week I had a revelation.

I really am Rex Harley.

My "real" name doesn't reflect the Real me. It is a trap. Rex Harley is escape from the trap. I am moving away from the mask that is my "real" name. I am moving toward my true authentic self in Rex Harley. I am Rex Harley unfolding.

You could argue that Rex Harley is a made up person who doesn't really exist. But as a man growing up gay and hiding who he was, my "real" name is more of an artificial construction. He is a mask I wear to protect myself. I have been more authentic as I grow older, but I never feel safe in revealing myself to people who can threaten my welfare.

Look at it this way. During my day to day life in the "real" world using my "real" name, I am not authentic. I share a very small part of myself. I don't want to loose my job because I've got masturbation videos on the Internet. I'm afraid of being judged. I just don't share that much of myself because I'm afraid people will think less of me if they know who I really am. I have the feeling that I'm not the only one who struggles with that.

So I'm not building a fake stage character called Rex Harley. I'm using Rex Harley to express myself authentically and without shame. Rex Harley gives me a way to explore who I really am. It allows me to unfold safely until some time in the future, I can let go of my old incarnation and be reborn - fully authentic and empowered.

Sunday, May 10, 2009


Rex Harley is not my real name.

How can I talk about authenticity when I'm using a false name? I am not authentic. I'm on a path to being more authentic.

If I were to use my real name, I could lose my primary source of income as a Java/Web developer. In my day-to-day life, I avoid talking about my passions for fear of offending someone or losing my job. While the U.S. is more accepting today than it has been in the past, people judge you severely for expressing your sexuality if it doesn't match an artificial (and false) normality. This is tragic because none of us meet this mystical magical "normal" that people talk about. Just ask Alfred Kinsey.

So no, I'm not authentic today. But I am on a path to authenticity. My consciousness is focused on finding income streams that will not be threatened by my sexuality or spirituality. I'm feeling my way forward and trying to slowly be a bit more authentic with each passing day. Always strive to make progress.

We all have sexual desires that we consider unusual or even abnormal. Take a look at Mark Foley, Ted Haggard, or Larry Craig ( They weren't actually abnormal, but just dishonest. If these men had found a way to be honest with themselves, they might be happy. Hopefully they wouldn't be doing as much damage to our individual liberties. They insisted that others suppress themselves only so that they could shield themselves from their own desires.

So try to make peace with who you are and with your human desires. Find how to integrate your sexuality with your spirituality. Take it one day at a time. The Internet gives us a great way to find others we can work with to explore our desires without threatening our livelihoods, but let this be a doorway. Bit by bit, form a network of mutual support. None of your desires are evil. Of course don't harm anyone or expose anyone too young to adult topics.

Rex Harley is my authentic self. I am building this life to reflect who I truly am. Someday when it's safe and I can support myself financially, I plan on stepping into that life. I may lose some important people in my life, but I'll be authentic and unafraid.