Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Sabbatical Intentions

This is a journal entry from Tuesday 3/12/13

I'm working on planning my sabbatical. While I intend to do some exploration of my career desires, I want it to be active. I have no interest in sitting and wracking my brain. I want movement. In the end, I want to be able to generate ideas I can explore and then try out those ideas looking for a fit.

I recognize that I have to go all in for this to work. I want to be a sex educator and advocate, but I can't do that effectively unless people know me as a sex educator and advocate. I'm not willing to be known that way. I'm looking for that fine line of disclosure that I can share with people at church. When I can offer a sex class at church, then I will have found the balance I want.

This is a journal entry from Saturday 3/16/13

What do I want in this moment? Not some time in the future, but right now? I have everything I could want.

I want to cut my hair and shower. Then I want to go into the woods and touch myself.

I feel tired, but I want to live.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Listening and Healing

This is a journal entry from Sunday 2/24/13

I think I've been happy when I'm moving forward. When I'm not moving forward, I've felt trapped. I don't sense myself moving forward anymore. Am I in a rut? I'm angry at work again. I find it hard to be happy there.

If I am to live my life just for today, how does that change things? How do I live in the moment while moving forward? What do I want to be different?

Acceptance. I feel a need to accept what I feel. I'm tired of feeling tired, but I can't ignore it or force it to be different. I sense it's because I'm not honoring myself. I don't want to go to work. I want to go to class.

This is a journal entry from Tuesday 2/26/13

What would it look like if I was alert and aware enough to harvest the fruits of life in my day to day existence? That might be too broad or vague. I'm actually thinking about how I would find money if I wasn't working for a living.

It would mean being alert to opportunities. It would mean making myself available for prosperity. Maybe I can give more if I'm not working for someone else. At work, so much of my time seems to be wasted running out the clock.

It comes back to finding out what I do well.

This is a journal entry from Thursday 2/28/13

I was about to start thinking about what I wanted to do later, but I want to focus on now and right now, I'm at work. My mind often turns to the future and what I might do sometime later. And I tend to lock up when thinking about what I should do now.

I've been neglecting my Orgasmic Yoga practice. This is something I need to do for myself. It generates the creative energy I need. I blame the recent health problems. I'm still tired. I'm sleeping in.

In thinking about moving forward, I want to get back to my Yoga of Sex class. It's the next accomplishment for me. Moving forward makes me feel better. Completing this training should lead up to something. Completing my bachelors degree lead to a new job. I'm still seeking my mission. I've recognized that I don't want to ask the question “How can I make money?” I want to ask “How can I serve? How can I help someone get what they want or need?” I want to anticipate the need.

I have technical skills. I have sex skills. I have organizational skills. I have problem solving skills. I have writing skills.

I expect one of my stories to be included in an upcoming anthology of transformational experiences that the church is going to publish. I want to pay more attention to my writing.

This is a journal entry from Friday 3/1/13

I must remember... I am empowered. I am free. I cannot be intimidated. I want to get in touch with that feeling. I can relax.

How do I foster that feeling? It feels like an active process and not an environmental one. It's actively acknowledging my power and discounting perceived limitations.

I'm influencing people. A couple of people have sent me emails. I can continue building the life I want. I can create the life I want, one where I'm not intimidated by angry managers. I desire and deserve respect.

This is a journal entry from Saturday 3/2/13

I'm not concerned with what I need to work on right now. I'm interested in the bigger picture, creating the life I want to live. I'm planning how to live after I quit work and begin my sabbatical. I'm looking for that piece of inspiration that lets me do the work I need to do today.

This is a journal entry from Monday 3/4/13

Progress is slow, but I don't want to rush anymore. I brought new colorful socks over the weekend and I made footprints on my coral foot fetish hanky. I practiced my Orgasmic Yoga and cleaned up the temple.

I haven't finished balancing the checkbook or doing taxes. It's hard to strike the right balance, treading water and moving forward.

I'm looking for a vision that will motivate me to continue moving forward. Do I need a vision quest? This is not something to use to beat myself up, or to fret over goal setting. It's purely motivational and limited only by my imagination.

This is a journal entry from Sunday 3/10/13

I can have the life I want. It doesn't have to be the life I think I should have or that I can have. It's difficult to know what I want, but there's no need to focus on what I don't want.

I want self-esteem. I want to confidently be myself. What does that look like? While I worry about income, feeling like I can't be myself leads to unhappiness. I don't know the source of that feeling. Many people know me as a Sacred Intimate. It may be that I don't know myself. Am I fully expressing myself to myself? Somehow in some way, I feel I haven't come out of my shell.

When I did my first intensive, it took me days to remember that I was in pain because of my partner's hearing and his sister's health. It was not in my awareness even though it was the biggest thing going on in my life. I'm not in touch with my pain today. It's coming out as frustration and bursts of anger. How do I come out of my shell? How do I connect with myself? How do I love myself?

As is often the case, when I quiet my mind, I don't hear the answer. I don't recognize my feelings. Attention silences them.

I feel like I can't be myself, but I don't know what being myself means. I have an image of who I think I am, but trying to be those images is not the same as being myself. I don't know how to do this. It means letting go of trying. It means allowing. It means getting out of my own way.