Friday, August 8, 2008
Last day of the trip.
I think I have a way forward on growing my prosperity. I plan on taking a contracting job and taking time to build resources to do freelance work and work on the Rex Harley business. I'm very paranoid about this because I've always been afraid of not being able to make ends meet and winding up on the street.
This would be easier if I didn't have HIV and taking expensive medicines to keep it at bay.
So for the reaming time, I need career objectives and a direction for Rex Harley
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
If only there was some way to allow myself to believe that I didn't have to go back to work and that I could live this way for as long as I liked. Ahhh,... to take as much time as I needed.
The last journal entry helped me quantify the ideas that were floating around. It sounds like the best course of action would be to purse the idea of working for a contracting company. The ideal would be that I could continue growing Rex Harley while looking for work or between assignments. That also part of growing Rex Harley involves setting up a work environment where I could do freelance work instead.
- Figure out insurance
- Rewrite resume
- Find contracting company
- Leave current employer once hired
- Setup work environment
- Develop Rex Harley brand
The important thing is to find my passion. I've been missing that because of the confusion about what course I should take.
And also, if I prioritize tasks, I can't become so single minded that the less important things go unhandled. Some things are less important so long as they are taken care of, but become a crisis if they aren't.
Option 1. Continuing with my current employer and finding ways to grow there.
- This option isn't really an option. I chose long ago to leave any company after five years. I've been with the same company for eight - although it's fundamentally changed during that time since it was bought out.
- It's time to move on.
Option 2. Finding a new forty hour per week job as a Java developer.
- This would be the most comfortable thing to do. I would continue to have health insurance and a predictable income.
- On the plus side, I'm familiar with this kind of work. I could learn a new industry.
- On the minus side, I'm still working for someone else. I won't have control over what I do. My income will be limited.
Option 3. Working for a contracting company.
- This sounds like a good fit - if there was work to do. There could be months without work to work on other projects - or to go through my savings. It's more unstable - and possibly more competitive.
- Pluses: I could work with technologies and maybe industries that I'm already familiar with. I could earn more money.
- Minuses: I might not find work for a long time or I might not find work often enough to be able to grow my savings for retirement. I would - maybe - need to be self-insured.
Research: How do contractors insure themselves? Through their companies? Or self-insurance?
Option 4. Doing freelance work as a Java developer or with web technology.
- This sounds like fun. It would give me alot of freedom to choose how to live, and I could take work in areas where I want to grow.
- Pluses: Control. Great growth potential. Possible decent income.
- Minuses: Self-insurance. Marketing required to find work. There would be a delay while I set up my work environment and familiarized myself with more technology. I might not find work. I might not earn enough to support myself or to save for retirement in the near future.
Option 5, Continuing working with the Rex Harley website and domain until it's profitable.
- This wouldn't be feasible until it becomes profitable. Even if I develop much more time to this, it wouldn't mean an income that I could live on. This is something to grow over time.
- Pluses: Complete control. Opportunity to grow and learn whatever I choose.
- Minuses: No near term income. Possibly never enough to support grow a nest egg. Could require significant effort to make it a profitable business.
Option 6, Finding something I can sell on the Internet - a muse company.
- I don't know how likely this is. Technically I already have a product called Rex Harley that I'm selling. Timothy Ferris wrote in "The 4-Hour Workweek" took a different approach, but this is his take on how he would do it if he had to do it over.
So what options do I see? Continuing with my current employer and finding ways to grow there? Finding a new 40 hour per week job as a Java developer? Being a contractor with a contracting company? Doing freelance work as a Java developer, or web technology? Continue working with the Rex Harley website and domain until it is profitable? Finding something that can be sold on the Internet - a muse company? Do I want to work less so that I can live more? Or do I simply want a new job where I am my own boss? Can I earn an income from my life's work?
One thing is that I don't want to look at it through the lens of my current job. Right now, I just want to be away and to sleep and relax and not worry about anything. I wouldn't want that in the long run. I want to feel useful. But it might be nice to feel useful while working fewer hours, without feeling constantly stressed, or that I'm stressed beyond my abilities. I want to a creative, non-repetitive job that I am capable of doing that leaves me time to pursue other interests.
Again in the book "In the flow of life," Butterworth says about reincarnation "...there is that of you that is more than your body, and the you that transcends the body, the eternal, ever-living soul of you has woven the body temple and is the sustaining influence of it."
I like the idea of having an eternal spirit, but if you will always live, then it stands to reason that you always have lived. That would be the definition of eternal. I think the last entry mentioned this concept of the focusing of awareness on consciousness actually creates the body that we use to experience the world.
Then this body is literally a creation of ourselves, and while the body may die, we will continue. And this idea doesn't need a physical heaven.
In fact, there is no proof that we don't simply cease to exist when we die.
But the fact that this little chunk of the universe can be aware of the universe at all shows that there is more to the universe than what we can see. There is also that which is aware of what we see. That which contains a mirror of the universe that surrounds it. Even if it's simply a side effect of a complex brain, it is significant. Whatever it is within this body that is aware is also spread throughout the universe. If I am aware, then by definition the universe itself is aware.
I want to take time to design my life, but I don't want to limit my lift to my design. I want to be open and teachable. I want to continue to grow. Whatever I design, it should incorporate the opportunity for spontaneous experience and action.
I've got a few more thoughts about the book I was reading "In the flow of life" by Eric Butterworth.
He says "You are an integral part of the universe, where each part contains within it all the elements of the whole." This is in the chapter called "Life, Death, and Rebirth." So I can apply my earlier concept of my experience of the universe lying within me while I'm simultaneously in the universe. It's the oneness of inside/outside coexistence.
At first I read this and thought it was talking about the holographic view of the universe where every part of the universe contains the whole universe, or at least one perspective of it. Now I'm not sure. I think that it implies that my existence is not limited to the three dimensional space of my body, that I am in fact the whole of the universe expressing as me.In that case, it's different than the inside/outside unification. Maybe it's the outside/inside unification. If I experience the universe within me, then the universe experiences me outside the universe??? There is no "outside of the universe." Try "inside the universe/outside of me.
There is a simpler way:
I experience the universe through my senses and I act on the universe through my actions. Simple enough.
The issue is that I am not a static sphere. As I interact and modify the universe within me, I also do it in the universe. Plus I am part of the universe so if the universe were to say "I am the universe," then it could say so from any of it's parts, including me.
The point being that the hunk of the universe that exists where I am (me) has access to all the powers of the universe. It also is part of the continuity of the whole of the universe. The whole of the universe, including the part that is me, is expressing itself through the part of the universe that is me. So I can no more die than can the universe.
So the idea then is that this focusing of attention on my existence in the universe is who I am. So if my physical body ceases to live, then this attention focus will create a new body to experience the universe.
So I am the flowing forth of the universe into itself - creating my physical body to experience the universe. And if my physical form ceases, the universal flow that is me can create a new body. But the important thing is to focus on what it means to be the flowing forth of the universe into itself.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
I begin by recognizing there is a way for me to be happy an to enjoy my day from start to finish and to accomplish all the things that are important to me.
It is important for me to take time each morning to relax into my day. I can't dictate how much time this will take. It could be five minutes or five hours. It's the time I take to align my mind with the reality of God's good. That I am sufficient to meet the challenges of the day. I have the sense that it will be time consuming until I learn how to shift my consciousness more easily and let go of some things that I currently hold onto.
I miss working out at the gym. I want to get back to body building.
I also want to find an alternative income stream.
I also want to learn to live my life's purpose. Or purposes. I need meaning and want my life to have meaning.
I want to leave my current employer sooner than later. How long until Rex Harley is profitable? How long for another muse company to take up the slack? If I take another job in the meantime, what would it be? What skills do I have that I can improve on that Rex Harley will require.
I begin with the end in mind. A clothing optional resort. Workshops on sexuality and tantra. Video shoots. Nudity. Men. Spirituality. Sharing love. Honoring the masculine through sexual freedom.
Before that - spiritual direction, a muscular masculine body, sharing sexuality, sharing a vision of spiritual sexuality. The bridge.
I've spent my whole life learning physics and computer programming. Somehow this is part of the picture. How does this tie with spirituality or sexuality? What does it mean that I still want to each myself physics and celestial mechanics? That I believe the key to long term survival for mankind and life on Earth is colonizing space? That a key to all of this is the evolution of human consciousness.
So much effort is spent enforcing morality and consuming resources that could be spent living in equilibrium and elevating all mankind. Ultra conservatives are spending millions trying to outlaw gay marriage in California that could be spent helping the less fortunate find the resources and insight to sustain themselves.
What is my part in this drama? To simply trust that God has given me all that I require to sustain myself, and to live in harmony with life on Earth. How can I produce more than I consume? First, I can consume less. Second, What can I produce? Freedom. Freedom from guilt. Self acceptance. Sexual openness. A vision. A balance between the individual and the common good.
Individual freedom is most effective when it is exercised for the greater good. Both socialists and capitalists miss the point.
How will I serve the greater good? By experiencing sexual pleasure and release. By helping the many men who have homosexual feelings - and feel they are wrong, that they must remain hidden at all costs - become comfortable with them and embrace them. By openly expressing these feelings without shame, openly for all willing adults to see.
I have plenty of time to get things done, if I were to actually do them. I tend to avoid doing things and dread doing them. Like the past week or two at work. I've been working on a design for some changes to the application. But I've been avoiding it as much as possible. I don't know if it's because it's boring or because I'm afraid of exposing my ignorance. It's possibly the latter. I also avoid talking to people as much as possible. Do all my current concerns come from a fear of people and of failure?
I'm also curious if part of the reason I avoid getting things done is because I sense there's something more important that should be done first - but not being able to decide. I seem to have been doing better since I started taking time in the morning to just sit. Sometimes I focus on God. Sometimes I just go with the stream of consciousness. This is probably one of those "more important things" that I don't have time for.
I still have the sensation that if I would quit dawdling, there would be plenty of time. That the time crunch is coming from procrastination.
But maybe the procrastination is the only thing keeping me from being busy all of the time. Maybe if I started taking more time for myself, I would have less need to procrastinate.
So I want to move from procrastinating to consciously taking more time for myself, and overcoming my fear of other people. It's not so much fear of failure, but fear of being uncovered as a fraud.
Monday, August 4, 2008
I don't need to decide my career objectives right now. What is important is coming up with a plan. I may wait until the South Padre trip to reflect.
I am an eternal being.
At the crux are two things. Finding a traditional job where I work 40+ hours per week - preferably doing something that I love. Or doing freelance and contract work. I can't really pursue doing both at once.
I would really like to make a break with my current employer as soon as possible. I don't believe that I will be in a position to do freelance work until I've built an infrastructure. That implies that I should take a regular job and build up my infrastructure - moving to freelance work in the future.
My present employer is sucking the life out of me, but taking another job isn't my career goal.
Doing independent work and putting together a low maintenance muse company are in my career goals. Why pursue something that isn't my actual goal? Because I want to escape my present employer and continue to have an income while developing my own personal business.
If that's the case, I should do something that will reflect (and get me experience in doing) the independent work that I want. So it comes back to defining what that is.
It would make sense to leverage what I already do well and branch out from there. Java Development.
This is a journal entry from Sunday 7/13/2008
I began looking at the job search websites yesterday. I want to hire someone to write my resume. But I got stopped. I began wondering what my career goals were because that's one of the things you discuss with someone who writes or helps in writing your resume. It's important to match your resume to the job you want. I realized that I didn't know what my career goals were.
I've been working on the Rex Harley business, but it's not the ideal for me. I don't want to make a living as a porn star, I just want to be able to have that experience. If I have to have a 9-5 job, it might be fun in the adult industry, but what I'm looking for is to be able to lead the kind of life that I want.
I want to have time bodybuilding at the gym. I want to make love to my partner. I want to be able to relax by our pool. I want to have money to make donations and to live on. I've begun thinking about working for a few hours a day doing web development from home - or programming. But I'm writing a resume for a 9-5 job. What do I literally want to do?
Before I begin a job search, I need to know what kind of job I want.
I'm changing my thinking. I just thought about how I could walk out of work right now - or submit a resignation. But then I thought how I couldn't because I didn't have a backup income source. Then I recognized that I could find a way out. It feels like this is the first time that I started looking at my situation as a problem that could be solved. I can find a fall back job/income.
Now I think, "... in fact, it's guaranteed." I will find the alternate job/income and I will leave this place in the near future.
I've been feeling wacky lately. I've been putting so much emphasis on trying to relax and go with the flow that I feel really tense from trying so hard. Maybe I'm making progress. The worries about income [...] become more forceful when I try to focus on nicer things.
It's uncomfortable because I'm recognizing that I need to choose my priorities. I can be to work by 9 AM, or I can spend time on the website, or I can clean the pool, or I can relax. There isn't enough time to do everything. Realizing there isn't enough time is the first step in choosing what is important and what to let go of. Once I find balance with that, I can add more things that I enjoy and that are important to me.
I've been to church and had a 90 minute massage. I was hoping that would detach me enough that I could get a clearer vision of my life's direction. I still feel the tension in the back of my neck.
I choose. I decide. There is no one else responsible for making decisions for me. I am free. I am the flowing forth of God expressing as me. I open myself to let God flow through me.
It's annual review time at work. I shouldn't care about it. I want to quit anyway. But I'm trying to answer the questionnaire in such a way as I can get the promotion that I didn't get last year. It wouldn't impact my decision to leave. but it would make me feel better. I want to present an airtight case, but I hate this company so much.
I'm not in the flow. I'm tense and filled with anxiety. It's time to chill and find the state of mind where I am aware of my power. The light of God surrounds me - I am filled with the ability to perceive correctly. When I see clearly, I make good decisions. I am guided in making wise choices. I can't fail.
I feel tired. It's the feeling of being overwhelmed, of not having a choice, of being trapped. I am free to choose.
I am concerned. [...] I am spending money faster than I'm making it. I'm not enjoying my job. Rex Harley's not making any money. The adult industry couldn't be any more noble than any other industry and is more likely to be corrupt. So right now, nothing seems to be working the way that I want.
I let the light of God flow through me. God makes everything new.
Saturday, August 2, 2008
As far as the 80/20 analysis for this week, from the 4-Hour Workweek "If you had a heart attack and had to work two hours per day, what would you do?"
In thinking about this, I immediately jump to the conclusion that I would spend the two hours being frustrated without more time. I can see being very spun up and inefficient trying to rush to get things done fast.
But the goal of the question is to find out those things that you can't live without. I also overanalyze it. Is that the only time I have to shower? That's not it. I have to look at it in different areas. Work. Rex Harley. Home.
At work - it depends on what tasks are at at any given time. Usually it's straightforward. Fix this defect. Design this functionality. Whatever. It would help to know what tasks I do.
I'm hooked on the idea of taking charge and taking responsibility. I have a sense that I tend to think in terms of what I need to do. I tend to think I don't have a choice. I get trapped. That can make me feel tired and angry. But I get to choose. No one is checking my work or grading me.
Whatever I choose, I have the right to choose. If I plan to do two or more things, and I end up choosing to do none of those things and choose to do something completely different - that's perfectly OK. I don't need to be disappointed with myself. I don't need to judge. It's absolutely perfect.
My latest dilemma is my morning schedule. I've been taking more time to get in the flow when I wake up and not rushing so that I have some time to feel relaxed. But even before that I would be working on Rex Harley and getting ready for work and getting to work late. How can I have a calm relaxing spiritual morning, get some Rex Harley work done, and still get to work early? It's probably not possible to do it all. Maybe the point is to figure out what's important and set priorities appropriately.
There is no right or wrong choice to make. I can get ready for work now and be there earlier, or work on Rex Harley and be there later. It's my choice to make. Either way is OK, but it's better to choose quickly and not agonize over the decision.
I'm beginning to think about my support group. I would like a spiritual mentor, a business mentor, and one or more emotional supporters. Maybe someone good with relationships. I'd like to read up again on how Mastermind groups work.
There are two people I can think of with a spiritual leaning that also believe in the union of spirituality with sexuality. If I'd like to put together an email to chat, what would I want to say?
I hope all is well with you. Things with me are going well.
I want to start a Mastermind group. I'd like to find some friends who believe as I do that sexuality and spirituality can co-exist. I need help in keeping focused on my life goals and to lend me emotional support when times are tough. I'd like to get feedback and ideas on my business.
I'd like to have a spiritual mentor, a business mentor, a relationship mentor and others who can be my support group. I was thinking you would be a good candidate for the spiritual mentor.
In exchange, I would be more than willing to be part of your support group unless you'd prefer something more or less serious. Even if you're not interested, I'd love to get together every now and then for coffee and to catch up.
Maybe I should be less formal and ask these guys out for coffee. :)
I'm trying to do an 80/20 analysis and I'm getting stuck. The deal is that 80% of your results come from 20% of your efforts. And 80% of your problems come from 20%. So I'm trying to find out what 20% I need to do and what 20% I should avoid. But I'm not aware enough of what I'm doing.
- I've been browsing the web to avoid work.
- I check my email more often than I need.
- I waste time worrying about waht to do.
I'm in the process of updating the website and converting it to simple HTML, taping some more scenes to make a DVD, and then marketing. Simultaneously, I'm investigating the adult entertainment industry, training myself in business and the latest web development technologies. With this, I market my skills and live the life that I envision.
Where to begin? I think there's an awakening in progress and I'm trying to latch onto anything that supports that now. It comes down to taking responsibility for my life, taking charge, not living on auto pilot, acknowledging that things happen in my life, but I don't have to be buffeted - by turning into the waves and facing them instead of letting them wash over me. I'm not sure how far that metaphor will take me.
This morning's service was on the prayer for protection - which influences my latest concerns about humanity. My concern was that no matter how easy recycling is, people still choose not to. When there are two receptacles the same distance away - one trash and one recycling - people still choose to throw the can in the trash. Considering the monumental that will be required to make the world sustainable for so many people, that people won't make the easiest choices is extremely frustrating.
The prayer for protection stands counter to that. It goes: The light of God surrounds me. The love of God enfolds me. The power of God protects me. Wherever I am, God is... And all is well.
I was thinking that there isn't any all inclusive plan being put together that can address the biggest threats to mankind's survival. Even if the best and brightest were to come up with a plan, many people would resist and protest. There would never be consensus.
So where do you go? What happens next? I go back to living the way you would if the world was already evolved. Draw the line in the sand. Stop fighting and start living. Don't resist this or that, but start demonstrating ideal living. And share the vision.
Get off fossil fuels, Eat vegetarian, Give back more than I consume.
I don't know about therapy. The insurance finally paid something toward the end of last year. I'm waiting for something toward the beginning of this year.
While I don't feel as frenetic as I did when I started with my therapist, I still have fits of rage. I still feel tired from trying to live my life. My partner and I depend on each other so much that I no longer have a support group when he makes me angry.
I'm tired of paying $120 per month to talk to someone, but right now that's my only option besides my partner. And I need more people than that for stability. I can't talk to people at work about Rex Harley. I need to start forming my own hand picked support group.
I could begin by looking for a spiritual mentor, then add a business mentor and a social one... I want to put together something like a mastermind group. I think I need therapy at least until I have that group set up. Of source, that means I'll need to put it on my to-do list.
So, in therapy, I can talk about putting the group together, how to find people who would be a good fit, working on my anger issues and the life fatigue.