September 13, 2008
When I was in first grade, I kissed a boy... On the lips.
It wasn't sexual at all. I had always been open and honest in my few short years on the planet. I had been growing up next to a house full of girls. One of them was my best friend. They were always open with their emotions – and so was I... Until the day in first grade when I kissed a boy.
It was friendship, not freakishness. But I might as well have dropped my pants and done cartwheels from the response of the class. Everyone said “Ewwww...” and asked what I was thinking. I told them that I loved him. I loved my best friend and a little kiss on the lips is how you show you love someone. When girls do it, no one reacts.
I did love that boy, but it obviously wasn't sexual – I had never heard that word. But I learned a vital lesson that day... I wasn't to be trusted. How could I have made such a blunder. My ears burned red with shame. I couldn't be trusted. If my most authentic self could lead me to make such a horrible mistake, then I would have to lock it up. That loving and open part of myself – the most beautiful part of myself – had to be locked up. I couldn't trust my emotions. They lied to me and would make me innocently kiss a boy on the lips in the first grade.
What a burden for a first grader, to learn that he couldn't trust himself. It would be better to hide and be quiet and not be detected expressing that stupid self that caused so many children in that room so much pain. I caused myself pain in there reaction. I had to control my emotions so that I wouldn't do anything bad again – and stay out of view just in case I slipped up.
What a burden that took all my effort to hide my loving and open nature. What a great weight to carry – and how often people found fault with me anyway. So I learned with each attack and embarrassment to hide what I was. And now...what?...36 years later? I still hide. I still control. I'm good at it now. It keeps me safe from embarrassment. Not really, but it's the best I can do since I kissed a boy in the first grade so many years ago.
I loved my friend, the one that I kissed on the lips. He was my friend until then. On that day, I lost him as a friend. On that day, I lost myself as a friend. How can I love my friend and show him that I love him with a kiss and not lose him as a friend? An innocent kiss? Is even that not allowed?
How can I trust myself if I stop loving myself because of an innocent kiss in the first grade?
Was it a mistake? No! How could it have been? It was an authentic and innocent expression of innocent love. It's not my fault that a few thought it was funny – or shocking. It was true and honest and loving. I have nothing to be ashamed of. It's not my fault my friend didn't understand it. I acted with the highest light within me. There was no harm in it. Not really.
My poor friend didn't understand the joy I felt giving him an innocent kiss of affection. He felt threatened. It's not his fault. He didn't understand. Others didn't understand either. It's time to forgive myself. There was nothing wrong with the kiss. But it was wrong of me to stop being true to myself. It was wrong of me to pretend that I could control my emotions. It is wrong of me to hide who I truly am today, just as it was then. It's time to forgive myself – not for kissing my best friend on the lips when I was in the first grade, but for failing to consistently express that innocent love ever since. For failing to love myself enough to express myself when there's even a chance that someone might judge it. I lost two friends that day. It's time to make amends with at least one of those two friends again – it's time to be my own fiend again, and support myself in everything I do, and allow myself to make mistakes that embarrass me, and to trust that innocent love within me trying to express itself, and to give myself permission to be truly open, loving, and free.
Friday, July 6, 2012
This is a journal entry from Monday 7/2/12
I'm getting ready for Healing theWounded Healer. I've been thinking about enjoying taking classes more than putting them to use. There are plenty of classes I want to take and to go to the gym, but I don't know how I want to use my skills. I'm tired of trying to fit the most important things into spare time. It leaves me no time to relax. I always feel overwhelmed.
My world is a reflection of who I am. I want to make my world better. Cutting off my nose to spite my face is not a good idea. Instead of leaving the job I don't like, I owe it to myself to find the job I do like. Or I need to learn to like what I'm doing.
May I create a sacred brothel, in consciousness? A new vision.
This is a journal entry from Tuesday 7/3/12
I just caught myself laughing as I was relating a story to someone at work. Progress.
This is a journal entry from Thursday 7/5/12
I thought of the term Sacred Brothel the other day. I'm thinking of the erotic monastery and if that is the right word. I think it is, but I don't want it to be exclusively erotic. It should focus on spiritual growth that incorporates eros as a component.
I notice my desire to study and go to the gym and grow. I still don't feel my mission. At least not clearly.
I imagine the monastery forming around me. This is a retreat from the world into God. Life becomes more austere, simple. The mind becomes clear without the distractions. There is daily study and practice. We learn to live a conscious life. Our hearts connect in ecstasy. The routine tasks of living take on a sacred aspect. We find a balance in life of the physical, the spiritual and the mental/emotional.
I allow my life to become my monastery. What is the vow?
This is a journal entry from Friday 7/6/12
My goal is to not feel so depleted after work. Yesterday, I was angry and frustrated all day. I was exhausted last night, the day after having a day off.
One cornerstone of my spiritual program is taking time to let my mind slow down and relax, to enjoy some time without external stimulation.
I think I could take a job I enjoyed if it meant less money. I don't want the stress of working for myself. But what if I approached it differently? I've been focusing on founding a company to employ myself. What if I changed my focus to harvesting the abundance around me directly? If I could come up with two $50k ideas per year, then I could be self supporting. I am surrounded by opportunity. If I could find a way to do this once, I could do it often.
To find that idea, I need to be relaxed and confident and happy. Then I need to pay attention to opportunities. Then I need to forget the outcome – so I don't pass up opportunities.