Wednesday, November 28, 2012

More on Authentic Work

This is a journal entry from Tuesday 11/20/12

I've got a nice problem that is making me feel awful. I am eligible to do some interviewing for a company that would let me relocate to Southern California. Unfortunately, I don't give myself good odds on getting the job. And it's a job doing what I've been doing. And it would mean a tough interview process. This is all making me feel stressed.

Even if I didn't get the job, it could be a nice way to get polished up on my skills and practice interviewing. It would mean shifting my priorities again. I'm dreading this, but it's a good thing to have this opportunity.

I want to arrange the circumstances of my life. If I want to become a sex educator, healer, whatever..., I need to first make my life conducive to that idea. I need to provide space for it to manifest.

I'm actually thinking beyond that. I'm in complex territory. There are many people on Earth. We have food to feed everyone, but not everyone is fed. We have talents and skills, but fewer and fewer places to exercise them. The company I work for wouldn't be profitable. It would serve those who have no money. It would feed them emotionally, physically and spiritually. It would challenge them to use their skills in the service of others.

We need to build the modern equivalents of tribes. What is easier to afford? Five homes with two people in each? Or one house with ten people working together in community, sharing resources and skills? The community supports it's members. The members support their community.

I want to explore my values since one of my goals is to work for a company that shares my values. What does that mean to me? It means having goals other than profits. It means holding to ideals of respect and equality and working for the common good. Mostly working for the common good.

Stop jailing people who give and receive physical pleasure. Evolve sexually - be an adult and stop thinking of sex as a titillating joke.

Empower people to find meaning in their lives.

This is a journal entry from Thursday 11/22/12

Maybe I can be God's sidekick. I'm still looking for values - my values. Every time I think of values, I think of Star Trek. Honor, Duty. Helping people in trouble. Treating everyone with respect.

Who is doing work that I believe in? Joseph Kramer? The Dalai Lama, Unity? Who is solving global warming? Hunger? Poverty? Depression? Who is empowering people?

Reid Mihalko?

Slow down. I'm looking for fast answers. It always comes back to slowing down.

I've already got a map of what I think I'd like to do. I still don't trust it. I'm afraid of losing everything.

This is a journal entry from Friday 11/23/12

I'm tired of feeling split. The part of myself that I most identify with is the part I'm not sharing with most people. Making sex public. This is what I enjoy. But as long as I don't feel comfortable with the idea of anyone knowing about this part of myself, I am trapped, bound, in the closet.

It's important to recognize that the people I feel I can't be myself with are a part of me. It's none of my business what others think of me. I'm actually afraid of how I feel about myself. That's tough.

I think this bout of self doubt came on because of a dream I had of the man who demonstrated freedom to me. He did what he wanted with no apologies. I was deeply in the closet then. He taught me by being authentic.

I have not thought of him recently. This dream came out of the blue. It makes me wonder if he died.

I don't know if he would understand who I am now. I imagine he could be violent. On some level, he must have known. The point is, I learned how to hide and now I don't know how not to. I sense that some people always say what's on their mind, like my sister.

I can conceive that I am exhibitionist because it's a way to be open and authentic without sharing it with people I don't want to know. Maybe I'm more and more extremely open in some areas because I still feel so constrained in others.

So, how can I feel more authentic with people who think they know me, but have only scratched the surface? I don't need them to see me in an erotic video. That's not the point. The point is that I don't feel like I can be myself. There's nothing in particular that I want to say or do, but how I feel during any given interaction. It's all in my consciousness.

What is it that I'm thinking that makes me put the feelings of other people above my own? Fear. And why? Is it that I don't respect myself? I feel other people's beliefs are more valid than mine. This stretches back to school when I was harassed and excluded. People told me I should feel less than. I think that's where it began.

I feel a need to let go. I want to be able to step away and relax. No pressure at all. I imagine what it would be like to let go of striving to create the life I desire. Would I begin to enjoy the life I have?

This is a journal entry from Sunday 11/25/12

I don't feel compelled to leave my company until they tell me I can't attend Sacred Intimacy Training because I don't have vacation time. In December, I will evaluate leaving.

On the other hand, I'm still being pursued by companies that aren't interesting to me. So how can I rework my resume to appeal to companies I want to work for doing what I want to do? What if I didn't have to settle for less money?

I feel inspired to jump out of the mainstream. I need to develop a track record.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Seeking The Future

This is a journal entry from Monday 11/12/12

Anyone who reads my blog knows I'm far from perfect, but there's no telling how many of my readers judge me for this without realizing they are just as flawed. However you feel about what you read here says more about you than it does about me.

I've talked about my life's work before, but I don't really know what that may be. Given my own experience, I sense there are many people who aren't comfortable with their sexual desires. Their desires really don't make much sense. I think they become sexually malnourished because of this and lash out at those who are well fed. I'd like to help teach people how to nourish themselves.

I also imagine there are some who see an idealized life that is devoid of sex except for procreation, where delight of the physical senses is less valid than child like innocence and mental sterility. These believe massage should avoid the genitals and sensory enhancing drugs are immoral and need to be against the law. Prostitutes and drug users are seen as morally bankrupt. The universe is black and white. I'd rather find a balance, encouraging people to live their own truth without infringing on the choices of others, and making it easier for people who have problems to find help without judgment. Legalization and regulation of drugs and prostitution.

Probably most important is to help others break free of something that binds me - the tyranny of money. How can you live today without it? How it keeps those in need in a perpetual state of need. It makes the modern world possible, so I don't know how to escape it.

This is a journal entry from Tuesday 11/13/12

There's another aspect driving me right now. Death. Maybe this is behind everything. My t-cells are lower than I've experienced before. I imagine I could start experiencing opportunistic infections anytime. I don't know how many years I have left. I think stress is eating away at my t-cells.

So I feel like I'm wasting valuable time at work and I feel like there's going to be no time in pursuing my calling. So I could have between 1 and 20 years left. How much of that will I be on disability? How much of a burden will I be on my partner and my family?

Many of the gifts I can give don't have a monetary value. I can't convert them into products. Time for my other dreams is running out.

This is a journal entry from Thursday 11/15/12

I noticed that my focus has been changing. It wasn't long ago I decided to focus on my Yoga of Sex class so that I could finish my Sexological Bodywork training. Then I went on vacation and had a chance to work on my first DVD and my video became the priority. Then I became overwhelmed and fed up with work and decided to make a change.

I think to myself that I can get back to my priorities once the current crisis has passed. If I keep changing my priorities, maybe I don't know them yet.

This is a journal entry from Saturday 11/17/12

What is the ideal outcome at this time? I think I have a function to serve in this world. I believe I must already be serving it.

I imagine if I could do what I wanted to do. There are fantasies of being an erotic monk, being intimate with seekers. Maybe I could write a story about that.

I want to learn more, and I learn by teaching. Maybe I should be a professional student.

I want to be able to go on cruises and attend erotic intensives and spiritual intensives and spiritual erotic intensives.

I want to be free to dress as I like, or not at all.

Ideally, I would prosper on freedom. Nourishing myself would allow me to give to the world and the world would support me.

There's not one thing, but many. Living in spiritual erotic community, designing and building software applications, writing, learning. There may be phases to this.

Seeing myself naked in a video with an erection makes me aware of how I have changed. Most people are not comfortable putting their religious beliefs on par with other belief systems. They feel what they believe must be held to or they will be lost, so they defend it and feel threatened by critically thinking about why they believe.

Is my religion true just because I happened to grow up where I did? If I grew up in an Islamic country, my beliefs would need to be just as strong and as fiercely defended.

Logically, no religion has an imperative to be a one true religion. So I've adopted a belief that all religions are valid, but I still filter through the lens of the teachings of Jesus. I don't identify with the rigid close mindedness of the evangelicals. I've adopted the belief that sex is good, so I don't identify with religions that seek to demonize it, but I choose to incorporate beliefs that celebrating sexuality is a valid religious principle.

So, I have many pieces I can use to build my future. Learning, writing, coding, healing, teaching.

In five years, I want to be free to be myself. That means not having my prosperity threatened because I'm an exhibitionist and nudist. I want to be able to spiritually and erotically explore and share what I learn. I want to be free to pursue what interests me without feeling I need to constrain myself to survive.

In ten years, I'd like a permanent facility dedicated to erotic education, advocacy, and freedom.
I want to adopt the philosophy that my prosperity does not depend on the money myth. I believe that God will provide exactly what I need.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Thoughts Are Lies

This is a journal entry from Monday 11/5/12

I felt like throwing up before work. The other day, I wanted to cry. There are some very deep emotions here.

This morning, I took a med for anxiety. It has calmed me. I feel heavy. I'm still worried, but I can function. My hope is that it can help calm me enough to see my emotions from a more relaxed state of mind.

Wanting to cry and feeling nauseous are probably extreme responses to the stress I feel. I don't fear immediate death, but I fear being yelled at or being disrespected or being perceived as weak and incompetent. I cry because I don't see how to hide my incompetence when it's being tested. I can see people seeing me with exasperation at not understanding the simplest things I should know.

I know that's how I feel about myself. I look at myself with exasperation and disdain. How could I be such a failure. I've tried everything I could. It's not possible for me to excel here with my current expectations of myself.

I can now sense this giant judge inside me. If I'm insulted, he agrees or apologizes for my incompetence. He pushes me to keep up and do more in less time - always goading and judging.

If this is my father, he attacks me because he feels inadequate.

My trouble with work has nothing to do with work and everything to do with me. How can I change?

I recognize myself as the judge. How do I judge more kindly?

This is a journal entry from Tuesday 11/6/12

I'd like to keep investigating that judgmental part of myself that I found yesterday. The easier I can recognize it, the easier I can act in spite of it.

It's a revelation to know that I don't really fear others seeing me as incompetent or disappointing. It's actually that I'm disappointed in myself, that I can't cut it at this job. It actually feels good to recognize that I'm disappointed in myself.

I think of my self as weak. I feel like I can't trust myself. I judge myself for being a weak sexual pervert. I judge myself for not being true to myself and treating myself like I matter.

I guess I should have given my two weeks notice. I was just told by my manager that a couple of people complained about me in a defect meeting. They said I was vague about the defects and complaining, playing the victim. This on a project that feels like it's killing me. I'm very angry. I'm at my wits end.

I'm trying to figure out why I should care since the best I've done is get complaints. What else can I do?

This is a journal entry from Thursday 11/8/12

I like that I'm beginning to see how I think about myself. It may have come across as negative, but I don't believe my thoughts. In a way, I want to say that I'm finally getting honest with myself about what I'm thinking, but I also have my good thoughts about myself that are just as valid and true. I have some perspective.

Many of my negative feelings come from self judgment. I think I'm not competent at work, that I have failed in life. I think I'm superficial for believing physical pleasure can be healing. It's not that I feel others will look down on me with pity and disgust as much as it is that I think I have reasons to feel pity and disgust. I think that I have less value than other people, that they're more important than me. It makes me want to avoid bothering or disturbing them.

I need to be aware of these thoughts so that I can disagree with them, so I can confront them with the harm they do. When I feel bad, I can recognize the thought behind the feeling is untrue or irrelevant. I think most of my negative thoughts are irrelevant.

This is a journal entry from Friday 11/9/12

Now that I know that I judge myself, it's easier to recognize when it's affecting how I feel and I can call it out. I'm waiting for a phone call from a recruiter. I feel nervous and resistant. I recognize that I'm inappropriately believing that I am less important and insufficient. I recognize that I am important. I look at how I'm feeling and recognize that I can do much better if I stop selling myself short and believe that I deserve good things. I'm not asking anyone to give me anything. I'm becoming willing to give of myself and be appreciated for that.

I'm looking for a job that I can leave at the office. It would be wonderful to be 24 hours per week. It probably can't be too corporate a job. I have skills in programming, electronics, technology, administration and troubleshooting. We may need to downsize our home so I can afford to work less. I have military training. I need more data. I don't have information to compare. I need to see want ads.

This is a journal entry from Sunday 11/11/12

I've been going through the want ads looking for something different, something I could enjoy. Nothing has clicked yet. I'm looking for a strategy.

I have a sense of an emotion that I would like to feel. It's a relaxed feeling where I can trust myself to be creative. It's confidence that what I am doing is worthwhile, and that I can do it well. For some reason, I imagine that meaning having enough money in the bank that I don't have to think about it.

Financial security is an illusion, but all I really need is work that I can continue for as long as I live. I'm tired of doing what I'm doing now. All the money I have made, I have earned. I don't really know how. If I hadn't been doing something of value, I wouldn't be making money.

How can I do what I have been doing for others for myself instead? How can I do what I've been doing in a new way? What is it that I really do?

Thursday, November 8, 2012

The Pressure for Movement Mounts

This is a journal entry from Wednesday 10/24/12

I bring myself back to being centered in consciousness and quiet my mind. I listen. I feel the joy and angst of my heart beating. The love wells up and looks for expression.

Although I still feel anxiety at work, I've also noticed a growing detachment and disillusionment with the world. I think it has more to do with aging than with growth. Trying to push harder isn't giving me more results. The world needs a way to slow down and to stabilize without collapsing in on itself. Is there a way to avoid the collapse of civilizations we've seen in the past?

I think about what we are taught, to get a job and start a career working for corporations, raising families, saving for retirement and retiring. We actually hear very little about starting our own companies or fulfilling our lifetime missions on Earth. The institution of work is part of the fabric of our civilization, so it's promoted over any other paradigm. I think most people are unhappy with their options.

Life is precarious. We don't like that and look for comfort where we can find it. I want to use it as an agent for change - granting courage.

This is a journal entry from Friday 11/2/12

I feel like crying. That's how unhappy I feel about facing my day. My job feels like torture right now. At first, I wanted to focus on feeling my power so that I could change the way I feel. But I think it's important to acknowledge this feeling. It's here to tell me something.

This suffering - if I can call it that - can help me differentiate myself. I can differentiate where I end and my job begins. If I was fully centered in myself, then I wouldn't attach to the circumstances of my job. Impossible expectations wouldn't be able to harm me. Uncomfortable meetings couldn't rock me. I am not my circumstances. I am not trapped. I am free.

I thought I would be able to continue using this job to build my wealth as I continued my work of sexual healing and celebration. Now I believe the cost is too great. I don't feel confident or competent with this company. I don't feel able to keep up with this industry. What is a less demanding fall back? I feel the need to sacrifice. I want to feel joy in my job and my work.

Back to contracting for 24 hours per week? Teaching? I need short hours unless I can align a job with my work. If I had time to “sit still and be” on a regular basis, what would I enjoy doing well?

I'm having trouble recognizing what I do well for others. Helping others.

This is a journal entry from Sunday 11/4/12

I'm torn. I have been trying to make a decision about work. I've decided I want to leave the company. I think it's killing me. I was trying to decide if I should put more effort into this project, or if I needed to give my two weeks notice immediately.

I have not worked on my video and I have not worked for the company. I spent yesterday raising my erotic creative energy. Then I began playing on the Internet, trying to find employers that resonated with me. I have much more unrushed research to go.

For my partner's sake, I will not immediately tender two weeks notice. First, there needs to be an alternative income. I've got two nibbles and I can talk to my old employer about contracting again. That doesn't feel right as it seems like less a change and more like selling myself out and asking for more heartache. I'm feeling pressured to make a move. If I can release the pressure, I can find another alternative.

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Today's Artwork

I decided to post the artwork I created during today's Orgasmic Yoga session.

Everyone deserves to be loved.
I am not limited to who I have been.
I may sacrifice everything I have known.
Everything I think I know is inside me.
I recognize and express my power in all my activities.
I want someone to f**k me.

During today's session, I confirmed my desire to look for a new job. The place I work now is eating away at me. I feel extremely unhappy about it, although I know I am create my reality.

I am open to the universe guiding me to a new job that nourishes me and allows me the time and resources to pursue my life's work. That feels like working 24 hours per week someplace where I can wear my nosering down and proud. I want it to align with my mission in some way. I want to be respected as someone who wants to be a sex educator and advocate and acknowledges the spiritual dimensions of erotic intimacy. That's a tall order, but I don't want to hide anymore.