Sunday, January 6, 2013

Planning my sabbatical

This is a journal entry from Monday 12/24/12

Thinking about my sabbatical, what would I do?

I don't want to lose the forest for the trees. I imagine getting enough sleep, going to the gym, orgasmic yoga... I don't want to clutter this precious time. I also don't want to climb under the covers and sleep all the time. I also don't want to panic and stress myself out about finding my next job.

The big goal is to change who I am so that I can more freely be myself. And that's an interesting idea, because it's not really changing who I am. It's actually being who I am instead of pretending to be limited. But is “pretending to be limited” part of who I am?

I'm scheduling this around the summer intensives. This is so that I can go without having vacation time> I think my sabbatical should be about service, but I also see a need to turn within. I need a balance between the two.

This is a journal entry from Wednesday 12/26/12

I'm chasing a feeling. My sense of the feeling includes confidence, self trust, strength and power. My sense is that finding that emotion will empower me to live the life I want.

I'm also aware of pushing to find solutions instead of being receptive to inspiration. I want to make sure my sabbatical doesn't become a depressed self-pity party. But then I can sit and stare at my plan and wrack my brain looking for what to do for hours. I try to solve this with yang, but I believe inspiration will come from yin. The receptive feminine.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Conclusions and Expectations

This is a journal entry from Monday 12/17/12

I was productive this weekend. Presents are wrapped and in the mail. I did some work for work. I felt good about it.

Reading a passage from The Velvet Rage, I remembered feeling ashamed of expressing happiness. I don't feel comfortable laughing. I don't feel comfortable expressing excitement or passion. I really don't feel comfortable expressing any emotions. I think I am ashamed of my feelings.

Of course I do laugh and get angry. I'm focusing right now on allowing myself to feel passion so that I can know what my passions are.

This is a journal entry from Thursday 12/20/12

I'm just about done with my project at work. I could probably leave soon without burning my bridges. I am going to focus on getting back to a regular routine.

I'm thinking about how to transition. While reading The Velvet Rage, I started thinking that there wouldn't be an abrupt change to a new way of life, but whatever I'm moving toward would naturally unfold. I want to be able to be more authentic in my next job, but I've only scratched the surface of my authentic self.

If I go on sabbatical, I need to have a well defined plan and objective so that I don't fall into a spiral of depression.

This is a journal entry from Sunday 12/23/12

I am anticipating trouble and tribulation ahead. I want to change that. My partner's hearing. My HIV. I try to steal myself to endure the physical and emotional pain. I have no way of knowing that those things will occur. I want to find a way to change my expectations so that I stop attracting it.