Sunday, October 28, 2012

The Search for Goals and a Plan

This is a journal entry from Monday 10/15/12

I wonder how much time off I would need to feel balanced again. I'm not ready to go back to work. I”m already feeling dread and can't stop thinking about it. I'm tired of the tension. I need to give it more or get out. I need a job where I can feel my power, or rather I want such a job. I want time alone to go within and be. I'm tired of having to perform, or feeling like I have to perform all the time.

I'm demanding on myself. It's OK to do whatever I want. I still want to know how to support myself while I do that. I sense that I can support myself outside of a forty hour per week job. I think I can convert divinely inspired ideas into wealth, health and prosperity. I'm also concerned about American's fabulous excesses when so many are in poverty. I wish to nourish all parts of my soul, including the impoverished.

Thinking about all the creativity and energy people put into Halloween displays makes me wonder what would happen if it could be spent solving the world's problems. The world is in crisis, and that is what it's supposed to be at this moment. Americans see images of poverty and violence around the world and become more isolationist. Not everyone. The world is more dynamic. Some donate. Some lobby. Many narrow their focus to stay afloat.

We all need to nourish ourselves so that we may benefit others. I keep trying to figure it out, but there's nothing to figure out. The Universe will take care of itself with or without me. I need a sabbatical.

This is a journal entry from Tuesday 10/16/12

I need to not feel trapped. I'm thinking about a sabbatical to find out what is mine to do. I want time to let my vision come out without being continuously beat down by work. I want to be productive, but I feel tired.

I guess you need a plan to take a sabbatical. I don't have any vacation time for next summer's intensives. Could I do two or three over the summer to finish what I was trying to do and get my certification as a Sexological Bodyworker? Could I find a lower pressure job to take for six months that gave me the time I need? Can I use my sabbatical as a way to explore more fulfilling ways of making money? Independent business? How do you turn an idea into money? What else can I produce? How do I stop keeping myself from flowering?

I think the key really is to get out of my own way. I want some practical way of doing that. Getting out of my own way. Clearing my roadblocks. There's nothing you do to flower except to nurture and allow and protect. How do I protect myself from work? Do I leave it or find a way to embrace it?
  • Identify roadblocks.
  • Self nurture
  • Clear roadblocks
  • Pleasure
  • Meditation
  • Community

This is a journal entry from Wednesday 10/17/12

Nurturing myself doesn't mean satisfying every desire and self indulgence. That hasn't made me feel happy before. It means taking care of my animal. It means keeping a positive attitude, acknowledging my power.

This is a journal entry from Thursday 10/18/12

It doesn't feel intuitive or easy to keep things in perspective. My experience at work can't hurt me. All I'm doing is being and thinking and interacting during the day. I am not being threatened or tortured or mistreated. Nothing they say can harm me. The most they can do is fire me or lay me off. But I struggle. I want to accomplish my tasks. I'm afraid of disappointing people. When I can't do these things, I feel frustrated. I've felt very frustrated for a long time.

Why do I care? If someone else had unrealistic expectations, why do I feel hurt or pressured to meet them? I am always absolutely OK. No one can hurt me. I'm OK.

I can't control my emotions. Can I calm them? Can I protect myself from them? I feel so damaged.

This is a journal entry from Sunday 10/21/12

I want a simple plan. I can create. I am always creating. I want to come from a place of power. I don't want to be pushed around by work and life, at least not emotionally.

I have made plans before. Some have been complicated. Others have been oppressive or uninspiring. I want a plan I can use. I have lots of good ideas, so many that there's too much to do.

Taking time to get to know my power is the most important thing I can think of. Letting myself not be oppressed by fear. Letting my neck stretch. A good goal is learning to do that all the time.

I've always wanted to be the sidekick. I don't want the responsibilities of the hero. But I resent it when my own vision languishes. I want time to explore my vision, to let it unfold. Where do I want to go? I want to be financially independent where I don't rely on a job for income and insurance. This could be self-employment, or winning the lottery, or years of saving. It could mean trusting God to meet my needs. How do I do that?

Aside from this, I don't really know what I want. Writing software can be fun. Exploring Sacred Intimacy is scary and rewarding. I love the ideas of physics, but not the math.

Time continues to confound me. I don't have the time that I want to spend on my ideas. The world is so fast paced. Work takes up so much time. I want to design and write my own software. I like the power I feel creating something in that way, but there's too much other stuff to do.

I need help. If I had enough money, other people could take care of the time consuming stuff so that I could be creative. This may be the aspect of power I explore next. Can I create a world where I can be creative? I don't want to be manager of that. I want time to create.

I feel impatient, that time is running out. I don't want to “run out the clock.” But I also don't want to rush past things that are important to me.

When I was thinking about college and career, I went to the library and took notes and made copies of things that I thought I would go over when there was time. There was never any time. I've never had time to go as deeply into things I want to study and to explore. Everything around me goes too fast. I'm tired of it Is that a goal?

It's a quality of life. I want time to take care of my body and mind. I want a million dollar idea.

Friday, October 19, 2012

Key West Vacation Journaling

 My partner and I went to Key West for vacation from 10/6 through 10/16. This post doesn't really talk about that much, but records the journalling I did while I was there. I recorded my first video with another man on Saturday 10/13 that I will be including on my first DVD and posting to XTube, so I'm excited about that.

This is a journal entry from Monday 10/08/12

I'm on vacation. My intention is to relax my mind. I wish to use that relaxed state to imagine. I've never liked having to focus on how to earn money. That's part of the cultural foundation in which I live, but I wish to go deeper. The question isn't “how do I make money?,” but “what do I wish to give.”

I believe that part of that is developing and maintaining my consciousness. I am part of the same field of consciousness as other men. Yesterday on the boat, I felt separate. I lacked confidence and did not want to interact. My energy was low.

I need to be naked. It helps me connect with that innocence that is the foundation of life.

Now that I am away from the tension of work, my neck feels longer from not hunkering it down.

One of my difficulties is that when I try to see what is mine is that I see problems to overcome. It's hard for me to imagine the truth that everything is exactly the way it is supposed to be, but that is the crux of my message. That's what I want to focus on, my intention for the week.

I have infinite capacity to be. I can be naked. I can be homeless. I can be insane. I am unlimited. I have infinite capacity to create.

This is a journal entry from Tuesday 10/09/12

My intentions:
To relax my mind.
To know everything is exactly the way it's supposed to be.

I want to stop being so uptight. I don't know the key to that. Trust? I want to relax my mind, but I don't want to miss my whole vacation. I want to do what I want and enjoy myself.

I think the answer is what I discovered in Byron Katie. I'd like to cooperate with the universe, living moment by moment and finding fulfillment. I've been trying so hard to decide what to do, to be the cause continuously. All I see is me. I create what seems to come from outside me. I can let the world come to me. I can meet the world.

This is a journal entry from Wednesday 10/10/12

I have low self esteem. I trust other people more than myself. I am afraid of people. I try to hide who I am even when I don't know what that is. I am faking it. I've always recognized feeling shy, but I have not linked it to this feeling of not having the same value as other people. I let others be who they are and try not to judge them and then try not to offend them with anything I do. This is why I have such good experiences when I sit and let myself be aware of my power. If I can feel that sense of empowerment when I'm with other people, then I will be free. Then I am free.

This is a journal entry from Friday 10/12/12

I'm trying to decide what to do. I would still like to make the video, but I'm having trouble figuring out the location. I'd love a nice outdoor shady spot, but the spot reserved for massage is in sight of the cafe. Outdoor space is limited.

I haven't spoken to management here about what I'd like to do. We still haven't got a massage table. I need to speak to someone here who has power.

Either I don't really fit in this world or I fit too well. I don't see anyone else as naked as I m and as sexual as I am, but other men sometimes let down their guard and stop acting like prudes.

This is a journal entry from Saturday 10/13/12

I may be recording my first video with another person this morning. I am nervous. I accidentally came last night while high on poppers, so I wanted to call and cancel. I keep finding opportunities to cancel.

This is a journal entry from Sunday 10/14/12

I was able to get the footage yesterday for my DVD. I was able to stick with it and feel good about it.

I don't feel relaxed. This resort has the promise of sex, but it's still hard to come by. The energy here is draining. Since we recorded my movie, we've lost our seats by the pool. There was no where else here to relax but the room which defeats the purpose of being in a resort.

I was up late last night and did way too many poppers. I want to relax before going back to work, so the texture of my vacation needs to change.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Still Searching for Power

This is a journal entry from Monday 9/24/12

A new week. I went to the orthodontist to see what my teeth will look like. My partner went to work early. I have to work early tomorrow. I sent my mother some candy and flowers for her birthday. I am building my vision.

This is a journal entry from Thursday 9/27/12

I feel angry at myself for feeling so exhausted and tired. I don't want to judge the way I feel. It just is.

I'm here in the Jeep and allowing my power to rise. I don't want to raise my energy, but to recognize that I already have it. My power runs deep. I am already powerful.

It's time for strategy. I think part of the strategy is focus. Trying to advance in my job at the same time as trying five different ways to start a new one isn't working. I want to develop laser like focus on my mission. Do I need a new job? Forget about expanding my skills. What am I called to do now?

This is a journal entry from Friday 9/28/12

There's something even better than realizing there's nothing I have to do when I wake up and being able to decide at that time. That is realizing there's no need to decide. Now, I can relax into the present moment and recognize my power. I can keep my mind off of churning about what to do next. I can daydream.

This is a journal entry from Saturday 9/29/12

My intention today is to recognize and express my power.

I'm moving from surviving to creating. I'm thinking about what I want to contribute to God and the Universe. I Am the universe that I know. Discord I see outside is actually within. The greatest that I can conceive is also within me. How can I perceive infinite benevolence within me? How can I perceive the awe that is the depth of my soul?

Don't think about what to do today. Focus on being here now and see what arises.

I don't want to sit here. I want to accomplish things and get things done. I don't want to wake up Sunday night and wonder where all the time went. This is producing anxiety. But anxiety is stepping out of my power. I can use my power to give myself what I need. My power puts me above the fray.

I want to feel free to do more. I want to act without thinking. I want to let go of control. I'm afraid of feeling my feelings. I'm acting in spite of my fear. I still think it starts with feeling my power in the present moment. I suspect that it will take longer at first, but the more I put into it, the time can shorten. First feel my power to be free and to do or not do as I choose. Then take that awareness into my activity.

This is a journal entry from Sunday 9/30/12

My intention has been to recognize and express my power. At least part of that power would have to be the ability to embrace stillness. We often think of power as begin active, while believing being passive is being weak. But nothing can be active all of the time. There is always a need for recovery, or the organism dies. Even the heart pauses between each beat.

Many of us are driving ourselves, always trying to push forward. The world we have created is moving so fast that when things slow down to a steady pace, it is seen as a recession.

My theory is that each one of us has the ability to express near infinite power when we are aligned with our true nature. My goal is to design my life so my energy can flow and enrich my world. If I can learn how to do that myself, maybe I can help others learn more easily.

It means letting go of fear. And that means acting in spite of fear. It means disempowering fear.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Slowly Tapping into My Power

This is a journal entry from Monday 9/17/12

Nothing is required. I don't have to go running. I don't even have to go to work. I am free to do as I choose without guilt or second guessing. Whatever I choose to do is OK.

I say that because of the way I felt when I woke up this morning. I felt like I was required to do something that I didn't want to do. I had to. I was supposed to. That wasn't me. Each moment is new. I can't force myself to do something tomorrow and I don't have to do something that I planed yesterday. I am always free. I am always powerful.

I want to be aware of my power, not pump myself up. I want to let go of the tension caused by self doubt.

I'm still leading my double life. They don't know that I'm an erotic healer at work. I still think of the job as my source, although I know that God is my source. I still fear finding another job because God might not approve and decide to decrease my income.

I believe I can trust myself as long as I can release this anxiety. In this moment, I can trusts myself. I have power. I am complete . My mission is to serve.

This is a journal entry from Tuesday 9/18/12

I'm trying to discover what I need to be happy at this job. I feel uncomfortable in the cube. Where would I feel empowered? I love hearing the birds and the wind in the trees.

I am always powerful. I am already fulfilled. The key for me is to relax into my power. The key to great ideas that lead to prosperity is having fun, playing.

I need help, but what do I need?

This is a journal entry from Thursday 9/20/12

I followed my plan this morning. When I woke up, I took time to choose what I was going to do. I didn't try to force myself to get up and do anything. I chose to run, and I did. My heart is happy for the exercise.

My issue isn't really freeing myself from my constraining job. It's really about freeing myself from myself. I will not be a captive to decisions I've made  yesterday. I now seek to free myself from my past and future. I can help myself by having some options handy, but I am free to make it up as I go along. What does discipline look like in this case?

Maybe discipline means choosing an activity and following through with that decision no matter what. Do I have the discipline to live in the present moment and be free from past decisions and future fears? Do I have the discipline to allow myself to be free?

I've downloaded a trial version of a video editing software that let's me edit the files that my new hi def camera produces. This should be sufficiently DVD quality to produce a DVD. My goal is to produce one quality DVD that I an use to showcase my skills in all areas of the process.

I just began thinking about an aspiration I had back before I started feeling like I had no time. I wanted to build my own tool for building websites. I wanted to use object oriented PHP. I chose not to reinvent the wheel. It would still be fun, but Google's blogger application has more features. It still needs an access level control.

I'm thinking more now about an educational tool since I'm unhappy with the Yoga of Sex site. So now I have plenty to choose from. How do I keep them in mind without having them weigh on me?

This is a journal entry from Saturday 9/22/12

I have accomplished what I wanted to today. I ran and took the cat for blood work. Now I'm asking what is mine to do for today, without limits. I look within. Maybe I am in silence. Maybe I am shopping. I want to serve. Something needs to be done that I can do today. My goal is to help someone in need. That may mean asking for help.

This is a journal entry from Sunday 9/23/12

I'm slowly moving forward on my Yoga of Sex class and I'm moving forward to make my DVD.

The only place magic exists in the universe is in our hearts and minds.

There is so much more to the world than what I can see and hear. I have infinite potential. Whatever I can conceive is mine in my heart. How can I tap that infinite life within me? It's like I'm uploading myself into a larger reality.

I'm not interested in how to make money. I am interested in learning how to open myself to this divine flow of healing and let it manifest on Earth.