I feel very alone. I feel like I'm the only one trying to do what I'm called to do. I post on my blog hoping it will resonate with another kindred spirit.
But there are those who support me and who do work that is like mine. I still feel alone, but that doesn't make sense because I don't believe it's possible to be alone. I'm still afraid of others even though I believe I am in everyone I meet.
I want to see a world where sex workers are honored and sex work is seen as a sacred calling. That is completely contrary to the religion I was raised in. I know these evangelicals who want to take over the government. They're on a mission from God, and I oppose them. I hope they grow in faith so that they are no long threatened by those who believe differently than they do.
I am still deeply conflicted.
Also, I've wondered if the feelings I'm experiencing now are a mid-life crisis. I could see that writing software my whole life and suppressing my personality for decades was deeply unsatisfying. The idea of crusading for sacred sexuality feels inspiring and meaningful. It feels that if I'd stayed on my old path, I might as well be dead.
Evangelical Christianity is like a grain of sand within me that I am gradually turning into a pearl. It will always be uncomfortable. This tension within me is a power. The Christian world view within me is too fundamental to my personality. It drives my belief in what it means to be good: to believe in good, to treat others with respect, to believe in justice and truth. It's just that I believe sex is good while the religion says it's not. I believe God with literally omnipresent - with me all the time in every situation. My spiritual duty is to learn to use my Faith to perceive that everyone and everything is perfect and good here and now.
I need to let these two world views co-exist within me, the same way light is both a particle and a wave. I am greater than my beliefs. That feels important. I try so hard to understand so that my beliefs are based on Truth, but there is always more to learn. My human mind is limited. I can contain contradictory beliefs that are all true as far as they go. If I lived long enough, the contradictions would vanish into wisdom.
My fear of trusting God reflects the fear of my father as I was growing up. I see things in the world that I don't want to experience and know I could face them at any time. I don't trust God to protect me from them because they may be what I need. That is my human experience.
I tell myself I need to learn to see the good behind my experiences, but I fail to be grateful for all my good experiences. That's the gift living in the present moment offers.