Saturday, February 25, 2012

I am greater than my beliefs

I feel very alone. I feel like I'm the only one trying to do what I'm called to do. I post on my blog hoping it will resonate with another kindred spirit.

But there are those who support me and who do work that is like mine. I still feel alone, but that doesn't make sense because I don't believe it's possible to be alone. I'm still afraid of others even though I believe I am in everyone I meet.

I want to see a world where sex workers are honored and sex work is seen as a sacred calling. That is completely contrary to the religion I was raised in. I know these evangelicals who want to take over the government. They're on a mission from God, and I oppose them. I hope they grow in faith so that they are no long threatened by those who believe differently than they do.

I am still deeply conflicted.

Also, I've wondered if the feelings I'm experiencing now are a mid-life crisis. I could see that writing software my whole life and suppressing my personality for decades was deeply unsatisfying. The idea of crusading for sacred sexuality feels inspiring and meaningful. It feels that if I'd stayed on my old path, I might as well be dead.
"It's never too late to be what you might have been" or to be who you truly are.
Evangelical Christianity is like a grain of sand within me that I am gradually turning into a pearl. It will always be uncomfortable. This tension within me is a power. The Christian world view within me is too fundamental to my personality. It drives my belief in what it means to be good: to believe in good, to treat others with respect, to believe in justice and truth. It's just that I believe sex is good while the religion says it's not. I  believe God with literally omnipresent - with me all the time in every situation. My spiritual duty is to learn to use my Faith to perceive that everyone and everything is perfect and good here and now.

I need to let these two world views co-exist within me, the same way light is both a particle and a wave. I am greater than my beliefs. That feels important. I try so hard to understand so that my beliefs are based on Truth, but there is always more to learn. My human mind is limited. I can contain contradictory beliefs that are all true as far as they go. If I lived long enough, the contradictions would vanish into wisdom.

My fear of trusting God reflects the fear of my father as I was growing up. I see things in the world that I don't want to experience and know I could face them at any time. I don't trust God to protect me from them because they may be what I need. That is my human experience.

I tell myself I need to learn to see the good behind my experiences, but I fail to be grateful for all my good experiences. That's the gift living in the present moment offers.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Mission and Vision

My mission is to serve others as wizard, healer, and sacred intimate.

My vision is to creatively write software, to practice sacred intimacy, to make authentic erotic videos, and to tell the Truth.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Adult Blog Posts

I've been better at posting to the adult blog lately. I just finished a series on handballing. It's not meant to be comprehensive, but just and introduction about what to expect and how to prepare. One page is for resources. I need to beef that up.

I also posted my two most recent Orgasmic Yoga sessions: Pre-Orgasm Orgasmic Yoga and Two Hours of Orgasmic Pleasure. I might try to get in the habit of doing that more often. I only get to practice a few times a week, but it usually has meaning and significance to me.

I also moved my latest My Story installment to the adult blog because it gets a little mature and graphic.

I've been talking to a model about taping a video with me. My intention is to tape scenes with three or four models and edit it into a DVD that I can use to demonstrate my skills at performing, directing, editing and producing adult movies. I can leverage that into a job in the adult industry.

I'm also arranging to explore my sexual appetites with others, and continuing my yoga of sex class. My plate is full.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Dominion over my time

I have begun a series on handballing (ADULTS ONLY!!!!!!!!).

This is a partial journal entry from Monday, January 23, 2012

I can create whatever world I want to live in.

What do I want my mornings to look like? Right now, I juggle the ideas of orgasmic yoga, running, weightlifting, or spending time at a coffee shop before work. I can have whatever experience I choose. I can also change my mind once I have chosen. Trying to decide depletes me.

The there's the commitment for eight hours of sleep that infringes on the available morning hours.

This is all silly because no matter what happens, tomorrow morning will be lived.

So what do I want for my world? Clean the slate and begin again. I don't want the confusion... Each activity has desirable aspects.

I have full power here. What is my story? What is important to me?

Can I make working out at the gym an erotic experience? can the power of physical love infuse physical exercise? Maybe that is the lesson on that.

Spending time at the coffee shop is about expressing my power. If I have dominion over my life, then this is a demonstration.

All of this is about dominion over time. I will take dominion over my time. I will not allow my schedule to be overtaxed. I will let go of resistance and choose what is important. I will embrace calls to action. My time is God's time. As I take dominion – God will fulfill my need to serve.