Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Fears and Desires

This is a journal entry from Monday 6/17/13

I must face my fears. I must go into them and experience them deeply.

A long running fear is to be unemployed and running out of money – living on the street.

Another is dying – coming to an end where everything I know comes to an end.

Another is to find myself in a lake of fire for eternity.

Another is to have to walk away from everything I know to serve god – a different kind of death.

Sacred Intimacy Training begins in two weeks. I want these two weeks to be a spirit filled time. I'm looking for a way of life, a way to feed my soul, to wake up, to open my heart. Orgasmic Yoga? Exercise? Avoid TV?

If I was living in an erotic monastery, how might my day unfold? Everything would be geared toward connecting with the divine. There would be prayer and meditation. There would be intimate connection. There would be “chopping wood, carrying water.” We would attend to healing those that came to us for help. There would be consciousness raising to heal the world.

Faith is the substance of expected things. We continuously use faith to create our world. Our world reflects our faith. With the guidance of soul and spirit, I choose to create a vision for my life.

This is a journal entry from Tuesday 6/18/13

The first soul encounter I can remember was falling in love. It lead indirectly to a stay at a mental institution. I took an elevator to Hell. I saw the world coming to an end like a watch running down. I found a way to time travel to re-sync with the present moment. A guardian angel who took care of me during this time left me as I found my sanity.

Sunday, June 23, 2013

Sacred Intimacy Training, Homework

Part of my homework is to list five things that touched or inspired me about my own life from reading Soulcraft: Crossing into the Mysteries of Nature and Psyche by Bill Plotkin. I tried to write down anything that was relevant while reading the book.

First, I believe I have a sacred wound surrounding kissing my best friend in first grade. This is something I've worked with and explored. I sense there's more work to do here. I believe this is when I began withdrawing from my authenticity. I believe this time in my life is when my loyal soldier began protecting me by helping me hide my true nature and to be invisible. It didn't work. I was still seen and I was seen as weak. The universe began reflecting my self-doubt. I've learned to expose my body and be physically intimate, but I still censor my thoughts and feelings. I overexpose my body so that I can feel seen. I don't feel comfortable speaking my mind. I always feel on guard and wary. I can't let my guard down. I am uptight. Dorothy's story in Chapter 4 reminds me of how I “Sacrifice [my] one true life in order to make [myself] and others comfortable.”

Second and related to the first, I related to Bob the introvert in chapter 12 who was irritated with trivial extrovert conversation. In attempting to protect myself by hiding myself, I developed a rich inner life. I lived with hiding my attraction to men and sex with men for a few years. I spend time deep in my journal. Crowds of people exhaust me. I listen much more than I speak. I avoid speaking unless I have something to say. I often hear people speaking for what I perceive as the sake of speaking. It annoys me and I suspect it's because I am jealous of their extrovert nature, although I value being an introvert with a rich inner world. I wish people didn't exhaust me.

Third, I have another sacred wound. I visited a mental institution for a few weeks around 1989. I had fallen in love. I was under pressure as I had just come out to my family and was trying to figure out how to survive and put myself through my last year of college. I hadn't been eating right. I was exhausted. I lost the ability to sleep. I could see auras. This was at the end of summer and I had done LSD at some point over the summer. I believe I had a messiah complex. I was sure I could heal people. I was afraid I would be overwhelmed by people coming for healing, but I didn't know how to heal. I was afraid that the crowds would become angry and kill me. I thought about running into the woods and hiding. I avoided whatever call this was. In the institution, I diagnosed myself as being out of phase with the present moment. I believed I could use the right-hand-rule-of-thumb to move forward in time and the left-hand-rule-of-thumb to move back in time until I was back in sync with the present moment. At some point, I heard a friend who wasn't there say that he had to leave. At that moment, I felt I was back, but it took me a few days to trust myself again. I later learned my friend had become a born again Christian.

Fourth, In Chapter 13 I revisited an idea that arose from reading the section called “A sensuous connection with mysterious images” The following comes from a journal entry on Monday 6/17/13: Again, I come to the concept that everything I perceive is within me. The house I see is actually my perception within myself of the house. I've heard this described as a sophomoric philosophical exercise, but I believe it is worth pursuing. In thinking about it, you may consider that there's a mini-you watching your perceptions on a big screen TV in your brain. Where is the observer – the perceiver? My understanding today is that I am all that I perceive – including the perception of my body and mind. How do I explain this? Inside this objective body lies a world constructed of my perceptions – everything I see, hear, feel, taste and smell. What I perceive as my body is only my perception – it is not my objective body. The idea of “me” is as much an artificial construct as the tree that I perceive within that exists as something unknowable without. I am not the mini-person inside my mind watching a big screen. I am the big screen, and everything projected on the big screen. I am my perception of the tree. I am all that I perceive. Within this objective body, there is no distinction from me and the tree and the grass and the house and my naked body and my thoughts and feelings. This is my world. I am ultimately alone in this objective body except for God who is also me and connects me with every other life form in the universe.

Fifth, in chapter 12 I relate to the idea that sexual love is spiritual as well as carnal. Originally I just wanted to know that sex wasn't sinful, but my desire grew to know that sex was spiritual and to explore that union. After Dear Love, I wanted to use erotic touch for healing. Starting with my Yoga of Sex class, I began self-touch rituals dedicated to my intentions. From Chapter 1, I related to how the religious world demonizes or ignores physical needs and desires, physical pleasures and the divine feminine. I want to heal that division. There may be cases where sex can cause harm, but that tends to be more due to suppression and repression. I believe we need to begin respecting ourselves as thinking erotic beings, to end the war between body and spirit. In Chapter 2, the author mentions Pan whom I love. “Pan, the Greek's horned god of the forest was transformed into the devil of Christian mythology.”

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Dragonfly, Big Picture, Dreams

This is a journal entry from Monday 6/3/13

I remind myself that the point isn't to get a list of things done, or to see how many things I can get done. The point is to live a meaningful life. My life is mine to create. Meaning is mine to find. I am more than I know myself to be.

I find it hard to focus on the big picture. I start working on what's in front of me, clearing underbrush when my goal is to cut a path through a jungle. There is a place for me, but right now I'm trapped within myself. All the blocks I experience are within me.

I really don't know what the big picture is yet, what my big picture is. That's what I'm exploring. I'm going to put together a new prosperity map. I want to dive deep to find meaningful and relevant images.

This is a journal entry from Monday 6/10/13

What is the big picture today? It always comes down to love, but I habitually forget about love.

Dragonfly keeps visiting me. My partner said they called them witch doctors when he was growing up because of their colors. I don't know what dragonfly has to say to me. When he visited yesterday, I struck on the dragonfly as symbol for transformation, and my story for the anthology being three transformations and how I concluded at the end of my story that my whole life is one continuous transformation. It really struck me.

My dreams last night included a crone who was an ally confronting something dangerous, a being of some kind. Something fearsome. I don't remember details.

The big picture is to get to know myself. How can I  more fully express myself in the world? How can I let go of my fear of being known? Maybe it all comes down to knowing myself better and loving myself more fully. Maybe I begin by letting the world love me – or rather letting myself be aware of being loved by everything around me.

This is a journal entry from Thursday 6/13/13

From a dream:
The mirror said I had dark hair with white tips, short hair. My left eye wouldn't open or close. I had contacts – iridescent gold.

This is a journal entry from Sunday 6/16/13

In the past, I have recognized other people – mostly men – as being forces of nature. They frightened me. They were unpredictable and powerful – like a tornado. I have not acknowledged myself as a force of nature. I have tried to contain that raw power and to be rational.

How do I acknowledge myself as a force of nature? How do I learn to allow my power to be expressed? My fear is that I will cause destruction. I am afraid of not being able to control myself – as I believe my father was not able to control himself. How can I trust myself to let go of control, having seen what that looked like for him.

Sunday, June 9, 2013

Preparing for SI Training

This is a journal entry from Tuesday 5/28/13

On Sunday night, I had sex with a young man I met online. He was full of erotic energy and he was fun to play with. All I did was reflect his heat.

Afterward, I went to a chain restaurant. At this restaurant, they serve many breakfast dishes with two slices of bacon and two sausage links. I didn't mention to the waiter that I wanted all bacon, which I do typically. He brought me all bacon without me having to tell him. I noticed this and was a little overwhelmed that the Universe would honor me this way.

I'm flying home to Texas right now. The stewardess just brought snacks around. It was Cheese Nips. That was a snack my grandmother got a taste for late in life. She didn't know if they were still being made and we didn't know what they were. The fact that the stewardess brought them makes me think my grandmother is present. Is she a part of my journey?

I had a dream about her after she died. The colors were intense and the world felt tight. We were outside her house. She was in a wheel chair with nubs where her hands should be and there was a worn divot on the arm rest where she had worn her fingers down. I believe she was released from her corporeal form by now, but I was worried about her then.

This is a journal entry from Thursday 5/30/13

It's been a long while since I've worked for money. I still feel busy. I'm racing with my slow reading to finish reading my book before the Sacred Intimacy Training in July. I'm about half way through. How long would it take if I was working a full time job? I've completed my DVD, but haven't moved forward on reproducing it or marketing it. I haven't had time for my Yoga of Sex class at all. I blame the reading assignment for the summer intensive.

I'm trying to go slow. I've been writing down memories of dreams, old and new. I'm ready to sink into my soul and find the gifts I have for the world. I focus on what is mine to do in this moment. I don't want to go back to work, but my money won't last forever. Soon I'll need to go to my savings.

It's hard not to lose track of the bigger picture that I want to expose. It's so easy to get lost in details. My goal is not to complete my Yoga of Sex lessons, read a book for an intensive, distribute a video, or anything like that. My goal is to wake myself up and stay awake until I die. My goal is to learn to laugh and speak from my heart. My goal is to cry and help others feel safe in crying. My goal is to let my heart break again and again so that I can love more perfectly.

This is a journal entry from Friday 5/31/13

I had a dream last night about trying to sell myself for sex. There was me and one other man. No one wanted me, but the other man found a client. I helped set up the privacy and music. I was disappointed no one wanted me.

It's big picture time. There are many little things to be done, but they are meaningless in the bigger context. There are too many little things to do. I like my armpits.

I can't see the big picture, at least not yet. I can see a need to let go of the way I have worked in the past. That is the way that keeps me obsessing about catching up, that tries to push me to get things done, but that creates clutter and half finished projects.

I want to simplify so that I can focus my energy. In thinking about this, I find myself thinking that I have a deep wellspring of energy. It's so much, that I typically need to dissipate it so that it doesn't overwhelm me. So I watch TV and avoid cleaning the clutter in my life. I feel tired so that I don't explode. If I didn't dissipate the energy in distractions, what would I be able to accomplish?

A key piece of the equation is my attitude. I want to find the fun in my life, the humor, the self-confidence. This is what I think of as power. If I could feel less threatened by people, if I would unleash my power – I could find a more fulfilling life. If I could relax.