Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Loyal Soldier

This is a journal entry from Wednesday 5/15/13

The past few days have been busy. I've burned some copies of my DVD. I sent one to the model and one to Joseph Kramer. I've dried out the camping gear from the weekend's Naked Yoga camp-out. I've mowed the grass and balanced the pool chemicals. I've been running.

Now, I take a breath.

This is a journal entry from Thursday 5/16/13

When I had finished the main scenes for the DVD, I had planned recording one more scene that would tie everything together. I couldn't do it. It didn't feel right. It was something I needed to do, but didn't want to do, so I was stuck.

It was then I looked for what else I could do and became open to guidance. That's when I decided to put together some snippets and narration. It worked. It was the ideal solution, but I didn't notice while I was hung up on what I had to do.

So, what does that mean about my office? I don't want so much stuff. It's clutter. In the same way, I have a certain idea about what I need to do and I don't want to do it. There is a better way that I haven't found yet. If I let go of how I think it should be, what is possible?

This is a journal entry from Saturday 5/18/13

The book I'm reading (Soulcraft) makes the point that there's an aspect of myself that protected me as a child to help me remain hidden and safe. It's not that I feel there's something I'm hiding or that I don't feel comfortable telling people about myself, but that I'm still trying to stay hidden.

This is a journal entry from Monday 5/20/13

I had a dream this morning. I can only remember the last bit. It had to something to do with “you don't have to be a superhero to be a hero.” I remember closing the back of the Jeep with gear inside. It had something to do with saving lives.

I had another recognition before I got out of bed, but I don't know how to put it into words. Maybe it had to do with the dream earlier. It was waking up to life. It was a feeling free to do what is important to me.

This is a journal entry from Tuesday 5/21/13

The Soulcraft book talks about the Loyal Soldier sub-personality. It's the aspect that protected me from harm when I was growing up. I can recognize it as what keeps me from feeling I can express myself openly. My job now is to develop a relationship with him in that I can get him to release his grip on me.

I've also noticed the recurring theme of a dream where I'm trying to get home at the end of a vacation. It may be packing suitcases or trying to catch planes. Last night, I was in touch with my mortality again and think the dream about vacations ending is about death. We'll see.

This is a journal entry from Wednesday 5/22/13

I'm thinking about authenticity. I never have to go back to the job that I quit. I can move into a field where I can be authentic. I don't know what that looks like yet.

I'm someplace where I don't feel safe being myself. I can feel my Loyal Soldier keeping me under wraps. There's nothing in particular I want to say that would get me in trouble. It's only a feeling of vigilance and guardedness. My defenses are up without my partner here to protect me.

Monday, May 27, 2013

Intentions and Callings

This is a journal entry from Monday 5/6/13

I know what needs to be done. Instead of stepping into my power, I've been focusing on tasks. I've still been pushed forward. I need to record the last scene for the DVD, but I have no confidence in it. I'm not in my power.

My job for today is to tap into my power, to surrender to my ideals. I give myself permission. How do I step into my power today?

This is a journal entry from Tuesday 5/7/13

My intention for Sacred Intimacy training... I am looking for more than just a sex class, but that would be a good start. I've left a full time job that pays well because I want to know what is possible for me.

I have had  a sense of a more spiritual life, where I rely on God to support me and to be an agent of God. I imagined stepping out and being fully present in the moment. I imagined being so in tune with God that I could perform miracles, or what looked like miracles.

I am afraid to completely surrender to God because I don't know what will be asked of me and because I am afraid that I will have to give up everything.

My intention is to be acknowledged and respected in community, to learn to be less uptight.

This is a journal entry from Thursday 5/9/13

I'm waiting out a severe thunderstorm at a naked yoga retreat.

I'm thinking back to what I was reading in Soulcraft about the calling. I don't remember an event. I've been frustrated at work and considered just traveling across the country. I've been overwhelmed working for two massive companies. I haven't felt fulfilled. My life felt stuck. I'm not aware of any events that would give me clues about my next act, but I've chosen to leave my well paying job and search for my soul's purpose. So far, my story has been about getting away from work I don't like. Sacred Intimate is the only sign post I've found. I don't know what it means.

This is a journal entry from Friday 5/10/13

I'm going to take it step by step from the Soulcraft book. First, it asks about the fear.

So the fear... As I wrote that, someone walked up and started talking to me.

The fear is that I am being called to do more than I can do, that I will experience the pain of others and my heart will break. I'm afraid I will be swallowed up by the pain and anguish of those I would help. I believe everyone has the ability to perform the same miracles as Jesus. I'm afraid that too many people will come to me for healing and I will be sucked dry. I'm afraid I will be crushed by anguish.

When I feel this fear, it becomes a terror. Much of the time, I keep a distance from this emotion by focusing on the day to day details of life. Judging and fearing other people. I feel overwhelmed by the depths of their need, if I sense they need me.

Then Soulcraft says to describe the call itself in great detail. I don't recall when I first felt the call, but there must have been a time when I first thought about surrendering to serve God, as I believed him to be.

Actually, I remember sitting in the fraternity house and looking at a t-shirt from a party where everyone wrote on each other's shirts. I was in my room at the frat house sitting on the bed and I looked at the t-shirt. I was overwhelmed with a sense of meaninglessness. From that point, I tried to suppress that feeling. “I quit smoking once, but fuck that!” I quick fucking once, but smoke that!”

But when did I first sense the possibility of doing the work of God, when I realized if I totally trusted and followed him that I could do all the miracles he wanted through me? When did I first consider being a seeker? When did I become attracted to the thing that scared me the most?

I remember being at the end of the driveway cursing God for the emotional pain I felt. I remember dropping to my knee when a thunderbolt hit nearby. I remember the Bible story where Jesus tells a disciple to fish and finds a coin to pay taxes. I remember a moment of perfect clarity looking out the window at plants and trees in the Spring with the window open on the breeze. No thoughts. Perfect peace. I remember a taoist erotic massage where I realized that the universe was perfect – even the things that cause us pain is good in the overall totality of existence. Everything has a reason and the reason is good – in the end. I remember a cold cloudy drizzly December day when I was in knots of pain over a man I felt strongly about, when there was a tiny opening in the clouds and a warm shaft of sunlight came through the opening and warmed me and I smiled and the thought came that “misery is an option.” I remember the mountaintop experience I had at Dear Love where I recognized the feeling I was experiencing was the way it was supposed to be – more real than the “real world” I returned to.

The underlying theme is that the world is much bigger than I know or can know. The safety I feel with a regular job and health insurance and a place to live and food to eat is completely false. Most people today have a false sense of knowing what the truth is. The world is so much bigger than we know or can know.

This is a journal entry from Saturday 5/11/13

I wasn't in a good mood last night. It was wet and cold and I couldn't get comfortable by the fire. I've been focusing on my writing and reading and I've been hanging out with my tribe, but I feel tired. I don't feel like interacting, but this is my chance not to isolate.

Friday, May 24, 2013

Soulcraft and My Calling

This is a journal entry from Tuesday 4/30/13

I'm thinking about my calling. In the past, I've thought about following my calling and been overwhelmed with dread. This hasn't been about doing anything in particular, but in following the path God has planned for me.

The Christian faith is based on the Son of God who most perfectly embodies God on Earth. His reward for following the light within him is to be crucified. It makes sense that following in Jesus's footsteps would mean to experience great personal suffering of the same kind. So I resist.

Just before I went to the mental institution (in 1990?), I became aware of myself as a child of God – awake on some deeper mystical level. I became afraid that people would come to me like the messiah and then hurt me when I couldn't help them.

More recently when I think about being a healer, it feels too big, too painful. I feel like a tiny speck, swallowed up. I don't feel strong enough. It's too much.

This is a journal entry from Thursday 5/2/13

None of this matters. It doesn't matter if I run or do Orgasmic Yoga this morning. Trying to decide what to do, to organize my day as a linear sequence of events is not important. It's not important.

What is important is recognizing myself as important. I am important. I don't like writing this down because I project that those who read it will think I'm saying that I'm more important than other people. I feel egocentric saying “I am important,” but I know I don't mean it that way. I'm just trying to overcome the feeling that I am not important, that I am less important than the people around me.

I am important and so are you. I feel an emotional charge.

This is a journal entry from Friday 5/3/13

The book I'm reading is describing a “call to adventure” like it's an event, but other parts of the book have been relatable even though I haven't had a specific time I felt my calling.

A few times over the past few years, I've felt a calling to be a healer. It feels overwhelming. It feels painful. I imagine surrendering to my higher good and all I see is pain and sacrifice, but I am still attracted to it. This work feels heart breaking. I only catch glimpses.

I like making men cry.

This is a journal entry from Saturday 5/4/13

Maybe I haven't received my calling yet. Maybe I'm afraid of it because I think it will mean pain.

In the example from Soulcraft, it wasn't about knowing immediately your life's mission,  but about setting off to find what that mission is. It's about a direction to search. That very well could have been when I was unhappy at a company I worked for a few years ago and set off toward Sacred Intimacy at Dear Love of Comrades

This is a journal entry from Sunday 5/5/13

Who would I be if I wasn't trying? If I let myself be? Not focusing on what I need to do next or trying to figure out what I want to do?

I have been feeling down for a few days. I haven't felt motivated to work on the things I want to work on. I prefer to find ways to avoid it. I'm at a point where I could record the last video for the DVD, but I'm resisting it. My energy is off. I want to be at a higher place when I record this, but I'm full of self-doubt.

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Adapting and Beginning

This is a journal entry from Monday 4/22/13

Having certain understandings about what I am doesn't make any difference if it doesn't help me overcome myself. On the one hand, I can see and understand that my experience of the world is within me – including everyone I come into contact with. If I still fear them, then what difference does it make?

I've learned many things. If someone reacts to me in a negative way, it has to do with them and not me. My reaction to their reaction is about me. I tend to expect negative reactions based on my snap judgments and assumptions. I've expected negative reactions even when I haven't seen any in a long time. And someone disagreeing with me is not a negative reaction in itself.

I've been to two men's retreats with the church and I've been fearful at each that I wouldn't be accepted, that I would be judged. Both times, I've ended up feeling generally accepted and got some healing from the negative masculine energy that harmed me growing up.

I want to overcome my fear of people. I want to be able to be authentic and express myself freely. I live in fear of being judged.

What I would like to do is do some affirmation and visualization work on my life. I've had trouble knowing what I really want, so the first thing I may want to do is work on knowing what I want.

This is a journal entry from Wednesday 4/24/13

I'm working on my routine. How do I want to spend my day? I want to foster the feeling I had at the end of Dear Love, with a sense of sacred perfection in the universe.

I'm discovering how valuable community is. I've been looking for meaning in my life. At least part of that comes from having your very existence valued and affirmed in community. It's something to foster.

This is a journal entry from Thursday 4/25/13

It's hard sitting between jobs. I feel like I need to do something. I have plenty to do and am trying to avoid being rushed – or at least avoid rushing. At night I wonder if I've made a mistake and how long I can last.

It still feels like time is precious. Ho do I get everything done? How do I do anything?

What is my intention? I return to the mountaintop. I encounter the divine. I open myself to new habits. I take time to be outside and see the sky and hear the birds. I take time to touch myself intentionally, mindfully. I open myself to opening myself, to opening my heart.

When I was a young child, I had a nightmare. I don't remember all the details. I was a Mexican child in a house. Maybe my mother was there. It becomes a nightmare when someone dangerous and angry shows up. I don't remember if he was a monster, an intruder, or my father. I hid behind a wall and prayed for help. At the last minute, a red dot appeared and made the house disappear and I was left standing on gravel. I said “Gracious SeƱor.” Then I woke up.

This is a journal entry from Friday 4/26/13

For the next month, my priorities are the DVD, preparing for Sacred Intimacy Training, reading and working with Work Less, Make More, and working on my Yoga of Sex class. But I'm also going to be visiting my family for a couple of weeks. During that time, I won't be able to make progress on some activities, but I might make progress on others. So until the trip, I'm going to work on things that I can't work on during the trip. Primarily that's the DVD.

I'm going to review the three scenes I recorded and take some notes. Then I'll record one more scene where I explain the DVD and what I would like people to take away. I'll also record a tutorial on Erotic Massage Dancing. I'll be preparing to record these scenes during the next week and ask my partner to help me record the scenes next weekend. That sounds like a plan.

Today, I hope to do my orgasmic yoga session and go to the gym for a run. Then I can pack for the trip to the DC camp-out. I hope to do something so I can view my DVD scenes on my laptop so I can review it while I'm there.

Journal entries from Saturday and Sunday, 4/27/13 and 4/28/13

I wasn't able to post the journal entries here from 4/27 and 4/28 because of their adult nature. To take a look, visit my adult blog.