Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Hot Desert Knights

This is a journal entry from Friday 16 May, 2008.

When I think of being in a Hot Desert Knights movie, my heart races and I get butterflies in my stomach. That makes me think I'd end up as a bottom. That's fine by me, but tops are harder to find and I might have better odds of being in a movie if I could top.

I've had no trouble getting hard for the camera when it's handled by my partner. If I'm in the studio with cameramen and a director and others, can I get hard?

Maybe I could do a simulation. Lonestar is next weekend. If I could get a few people to watch my partner filming me masturbating, it could be a good enough simulation of being in a professional film studio.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Life Design

This is a journal entry from Sunday 11 May, 2008.
Envision having a flow of income such that I don't have to have a regular salaried job. I am surrounded by infinite substance. My supply, my infinite supply comes from God through me to find it's expression in substance.

This week has reinforced my conviction that I need to leave the company. I don't respect it and it doesn't seem to respect me or other developers working for it. The emotional cost is too high.

I design my life. It would be helpful if there was a guide to life design. A checklist and a place to store the blueprints. Most of the time, the design is unconscious. I'm looking for how to open myself to receive a flow of substance, or several flows of substance. What does my life look like?

  • Nude, sensual and relaxed.
  • Earth friendly - zero emission.
  • Socially responsible.
  • Living as if the world was ideal as a means of causing it to be more ideal. Don't fight what you disagree with - embody it's opposite.
  • Consume only renewable/reduce non-recoverable resources
  • No landfill wastes
I can create. What do I want to manifest? How do I grow my prosperity? What is ideal today?
  • My partner is ideal
  • Having Rex Harley to safely express my exhibitionism is ideal
With all my other goals, now I want to launch a job search.

Ethical Self Doubt And The Desire To Excel

This is a journal entry from Wednesday 7 May, 2008.
I would love to stay home today to work on the website. I feel compelled right now and feel I could wrap things up. Having to schedule an hour here or an hour there to make minor progress is frustrating. And there's another piece of the equation. It takes between thirty minutes and an hour to hook in a new photo set. It takes longer to tape a video clip, edit it, post it on X-tube and add a page on the website to display it. I'm going to want to outsource that process. That will make it easier to promote the sites I'm advertising with their own content.

I could also find wants to automate this process, but that would take more time when I'm trying to save time. 80/20. What 20% can I do to reap the 80%

Here's the key. How do I become an expert in this industry and demand a higher fee for my services? How do I stay noble when the industry is filled with people out to make a buck at the expense of others?

Sunday, May 4, 2008

Enhancing the website

This is a journal entry from Sunday 4 May, 2008.
I've spent as much time as I could to put together a template for pages on the website so that I can build them more quickly and consistently. It's taken alot more time than I scheduled, but it's a learning process. I should be able to start rolling it out soon. First, I was going to update some of my outdated pages. Then I'd like to start putting out some of the free content from the affiliate programs. I may as well use the motivation while it's there. I don't like letting other things slip, but I don't want the procrastination on things I don't want to do block me from the motivation I feel.
So far, I've been imagining that being free was having the resources to quit work and have complete control over how I spend my time. But I don't need to quit my job to be able to spend an hour a week with nothing to do except whatever I want to do. The weather is beautiful today. The sun is out and the birds are singing. I am free to sit here and create my universe.
I want to do bodybuilding. I enjoy the experience in the gym with the way it smells and the men I see, but there's a desire behind the desire. I want to look in the mirror and see a muscular defined body. I imagine this would make me more sexually attractive and that men I have sex with and who watch me have sex would have an even better experience. I want to please the men I have sex with and I want to see them using me to experience ecstasy. I like the idea of being used as a sexual plaything and feel drawn to it.
Given the within-out, without-in insight from a few entries ago, I imagine that God has the same compulsion to grant us our heart's desire. The problem is that we don't feel deserving, so we attract less than we deserve. It's what we ask for. And it's consistent with Christ teaching - "Fear not, little flock, for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom." Luke 12:32.
I guess the next desire for my freedom is to make porn for the same reasons.
It's hard to imagine what I would do with my free time after that. If I had the money I would ever need, what would I do? I would be naked more. Nudity is the next passion. I dream of engineering a life where I never need to wear clothes. For me, this is a spiritual ideal. I want to live as I was created as naturally as possible. Clothing is so artificial. Living nude is the height of freedom for me.
I'm afraid that without a job, I would need a purpose. I would need work to do. I would grow bored by simply reading and writing. You can only work out at the gym so much. I imagine that after so much time off that my office would be clean, my life would be organized and my website would be easily maintainable. After that, I could do some periodic traveling, but there's always the bulk of time for living.
The 4 Hour Work Week book by Timothy Ferriss shows that this work can change from time to time, so I don't need to pick one "life's work" forever. I can move from challenge to challenge.
I want to get the website in the shape that I want. That's where my passion is right now. Intuitively, I should use the three principles of getting 80% of the results from 20% of the effort and that a job will expand to take the amount of time we've scheduled, but this week is educational for me. I don't want to feel rushed. I don't want to schedule some time and have to stop before I am done.
So the goal for this week is to complete the thumbnail page and image display templates, create some advertising panels and migrate my personal pis that are still in v1 and v2 formats to the new v3 format. Next week I can work on the video pages and maybe the mixed pages. Finally I'll update the category pages and entry portal. At that point, it should be a breeze to add videos and pictures to the website.