Thursday, December 20, 2012

Self Celebration and Remembering The Present

This is a journal entry from Monday 12/10/12

Think Differently.

My experience of the world grows out of the stories I tell myself about it. Last month, I told myself I could quit this job. I still don't have anything to replace the income. I am still very tired and can't think of doing anything that won't make me feel tired. I don't know what would make me happy, content.

I'm still afraid of being known.

It's time I learned to celebrate myself. Everyone should. If I know how to celebrate myself, I will be closer to knowing my path.

I celebrate my ability to understand how the universe works. I love wrapping my head around the work of physicists. I love my ability to appreciate my conscious experience of the world as more real to me than the world itself. I appreciate my ability to think by writing. I appreciate my ability to cry, and the joy I feel in making other men cry.

This is a journal entry from Wednesday 12/12/12

My desire to find a different way of making money has been distracting me from the present moment. Trying to figure out what to do, what would lead me toward greater fulfillment without bankrupting me, has kept me focused in my thoughts about the future. I haven't been present.

The key to all power has always been in the present moment. The present moment is eternal. It can't be about the destination. I need to get my nose out of the map and look at the road.

Monday, December 10, 2012

The Greater Good

This is a journal entry from Monday 11/26/12

I intentionally wanted to focus on doing whatever I chose to do in the moment this weekend. I didn't want to focus on accomplishing anything. I still managed to wear myself down on Sunday. I've wanted to rewrite my resume objective in a way that reflected the kind of job I want. It was very slow.

I've got a few names I respect in the area of sexual freedom and a few nonprofit organizations. That is the product of my efforts yesterday. I judge myself for not doing more, but it was real work.

I also hit the desire to get back to the gym.

It occurs to me now that I may want to do some mindless tasks while I'm waiting for inspiration. I don't think it's useful sitting and asking myself what I want. There's no answer. Inspiration comes in its own time. It would also help me feel more productive. “Seeks authentic work with a heart guided company.” “Technology consultant for adult content providers.”

I have a unique ability to earn money. I am able to provide a service that is needed and rare. I've found nonprofit companies. The money I earn can help.

This is a journal entry from Tuesday 11/27/12

I've begun reading The Velvet Rage by Alan Downs. I'm on a section talking about authentic validation. I've talked in the past about not feeling that I could be authentic at work. The book presents the idea that if we're not able to be authentic growing up, we fail to develop a sense of security in being authentic. I went through a long period of not trusting myself and suppressing myself. This book is talking about that.

This is a journal entry from Thursday 11/29/12

I've been avoiding the question. If my company is killing me, how can I stay? Whenever I start to think about this, I think myself in circles. I got no closer to a decision. I've given myself until 12/7.

My underlying fear is that leaving the company won't resolve my problem. I may not be in the right job, but I have a hard time knowing what's the right job.

I'm reading The Velvet Rage and I'm worrying that I'm seeking authentic validation at work. I don't think that's a valid place to look for it. I felt validated as  a sex toy as  young man. Am I still pursuing that now - trying to turn it into a career? I don't feel shame as I see myself masturbating on x-tube, but I would if my family or co-workers saw it. What does that mean?

This is a journal entry from Friday 11/30/12

It's not the new year yet, but I'm choosing to revisit my mission and vision statements. I want my mission to include mention of serving the greater good, maybe even selfishly serving the greater good. I want to be a custodian of life on Earth, to preserve and protect it. Then I want to help mankind survive as a species. Then I want to help raise the quality of life of those in deep need.

I see myself as part of the fabric of life on this planet. I believe that I can hep with those greater goals by helping those around me find healing. I recognize that I need healing.

My mission is to have a healing influence on all living things around me.

Just a note - there are no journal entries for the week of 12/3 through 12/9. I just didn't write. No worries.