Thursday, September 20, 2012

Transcending Work and Violence

This is a journal entry from Sunday 9/9/12

I've been feeling tired. It's hard to distinguish this from depression. I sense a bigger world than the superficial one that most of us focus on. I sense a need to stop taking things so seriously. I also feel powerless in my own life. I sense there are many things I want to do, books to read. There's too much. A billion things seek to grab my attention, but I have the responsibility to throttle what gets in. I create my world. I don't have to feel bad about saying “no.”

I need to make time to feel tired. Resisting exhausts me. When I think of the next thing to do, I feel overwhelmed. Too many things... One more thing... Another blog. Another assignment. Another book to read.

I don't want to waste more time. What then? Move back to the center There is nothing to be done. Everything is perfect now. Fretting about how to use time does not serve me. I let go of external judgment.

I have power. I am ready to own it. I let go of judging myself by the worlds standards. So if I stop looking at it backwards, what is mine to do?

This is a journal entry from Monday 9/10/12

What do I need to do to free myself to live my purpose? Let go of the ideas of a job and how to earn money and discern my work. Instead of wondering about how to support myself, focus on freeing others, sexually. Focus on the right questions like “How can I help free people who don't know they need help?”

I need to stay focused on myself where I can be aware of God's presence. I am the source of meaning for my world. I am always a clean slate. I take time to come back to myself where I can know reality. I am a bubble of awareness. I am the center of all I know. God is greater than anything I can imagine, and I can know that.

My troubles aren't real. I imagine them. I find myself asking the wrong question of “how can I get out of this job?” I created it. “How can I be prosperous.” I create that as automatically as I created my job. I create any amount of money I choose. How about $200,000? How do I make that real? Remember that I give meaning. I create meaning. What does $200k before the end of the year mean for me? It means I understand how to create. It means I can create it again. It means I can attend more than one intensive next year. It means I have time to complete my Yoga of Sex  class. It means I have time to make porn. It means I can relax. $200k isn't much for what it can buy me. Plus I give everything that I receive.

This is a journal entry from Friday 9/14/12

I like the money that I'm making, but this job isn't working out. I will be taking vacation in October. Because of that, I will have no time for Creating Sacred Intimacy, and maybe no time to visit my family next year. The insurance coverage is also lacking.

While I'm exploring how to be more authentic in my life by merging my mainstream corporate aspects with my erotic healing aspects, my current corporate job is depleting me severely. I could look for ways to recover more quickly, and I may do that. But I also would like to find a way to either work fewer hours or have work that supports my mission of erotic healing and wholeness. I may not mind making less money for a while, as I gain experience and clients.

This is a journal entry from Saturday 9/15/12

My job is to see harmony in chaos. It comes back to one fact. In this moment, I am alive. I am experiencing only good. It's gratitude for what's in front of your nose.

It's amazing to me that instigators of violence are having so much impact in my consciousness. Do we wish to quell the violence, or encourage it. When does peace take root?

We live in a multiverse. Each of us carries a universe within them containing all we've ever known and experienced. Our universes overlap. This is where the harmonies and melodies arise.

The violence across the world has caught my attention. I am affected by an inflammatory video. I am offended by the violence it has provoked, but feel peaceful protests are beautiful. I am offended by people who seem to want to perpetuate the violence by refusing to acknowledge that the video is offensive when they defend our rights to make offensive videos. Satan is very pleased with himself.

All of that is within me. It is heartbreak. It is fear. It is disgust. I create all of it. That is my part.

Once during a self pleasuring ritual, I saw that I was standing opposed to those who would control others. I saw people who were afraid of those who pursued pleasure through sex and drugs and other forms of sensuality. They rely on laws and police and intimidation and shame to prevent others from enjoying their sensuality, and I feel opposed to that.

I now recognize that if I sense that in others, it exists within myself. It is duality. Sensuality and spirituality, order and chaos, good and evil. I am both because I am the universe. I am for freedom. I am for God. God seems chaotic as he gives spirit obstacles to outgrow, but he is the growth that overcomes obstacles.

I am whatever I stand opposed to, so I want to oppose nothing.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

My Work, My Job, My Family

I've just about completed another Yoga of Sex assignment recently. Read a little about it on my ADULT blog.

This is a journal entry from Monday 8/20/12

How to nourish myself at work?

I am my own universe, a reflection of God. I have a responsibility to care for myself, for my interior world where the boundaries between interior and exterior blur.

I have been thinking more about Sacred Intimacy. At Healing, I again became concerned that I was inadequate at being a Sacred Intimate, that I didn't have what it takes. I still fear that God has great challenges in front of me, rather than great rewards. I would like to change my attitude to one of expectancy.

I also thought abut the time at Dear Love where my roommate had an overnight guest. I didn't recognize it as a boundary that had been crossed. I didn't perceive it that way even to this year except that the guest felt guilty. Now when I reflect, I wonder if things would have been different if I had been invited into their experience in some way – to be erotically acknowledged. Now, looking back, I recognize that I felt inferior. The needs of others were more important than my needs. I felt out of my league. I don't easily perceive my own power or worth. I have worth. I am valuable.

I appreciate that David is so open to my family. I appreciate that I am taking care of my mouth.

This is a journal entry from Saturday 8/25/12

I'm just trying to survive until my family leaves, but I can do better. I feel tired. I'm trying to psych myself up. Why can't I relax? My family is strangers. I want them gone so I can relax.

I've played a particular role with them so long that I can't relax and let down my shields. I can't relax. I feel defensive and sensitive.

This is a journal entry from Tuesday 8/28/12

I had my first Orgasmic Yoga session in a long time this morning. I felt anticipation as I went into the temple. I hadn't realized how much I missed it. Now I turn my attention to my practice, learning how to develop and maintain the feeling of community I had after Healing. What did I do? Maybe it was enough to be among men focused on healing.

To show appreciation, to receive appreciation, to support and be supported, to remember that what people tell me is about them, to remember that everything I perceive is inside me... I have concerns that “my work” is a joke, because I imagine my partner judging me for calling masturbation work. It's all inside.

Focusing on what is at hand, how do I feel more authentic and empowered at work? How do I transcend circumstances and feel my power in the moment?

This is a journal entry from Sunday 9/2/12

I sense that my mission has to do with the phrase “open-hearted.” That seems to be the gift I bring back from the intensives. My genitals are part of this.

I also sense that who I am in the future is not going to be related to who I am now. It means more that I want to cut myself free of my moorings. I am who I am regardless of how I earn a living. I have a mission to fulfill. I am not ready to jump to some imagined destination. My mission is about the next twenty four hours.