I wonder what it would be like to allow myself to be the man I see in the mirror. I can see myself clinging to who I think I am, but that is not all that I am. I had a glimpse the other day, but what was it? Let me go deep.
Pierced: two ears and septum, long face with goatee. Without fear. Without attachment. Powerful.
This is a journal entry from Sunday 6/30/13
My dream ended as I was climbing up a steep hill. There was a guide in front and the guy behind me had to carry a water cooler. I had to plod up the hill. I was going slowly, but making steady progress when I woke up. It was the woods behind my grandma's house, but the real place didn't have hills or mountains.
Our cat was caught by dogs – according to my partner according to a neighbor... I won't be posting the details of that portion of this journal entry.
I'm on the plane on the way to San Francisco. I had a hard time leaving my partner since we're going through the loss of our cat. I don't like leaving him, but it will give him time to do his processing.
With the dream this morning, my sacred journey began. I'm trying to let my ego get out of the way. I want to travel deep into my soul, but this is so painful. This isn't how I saw my trip beginning. I was going to be high from Houston Pride and the erotic play at the baths. Instead, we were subdued.
I am in God's hands. I am in Love's hands. I want to do more than surrender. I need to open my eyes and observe. What is my soul's desire. What is mine to do?
This is a journal entry from Monday 7/1/13
“It is so difficult to remember who we are and to act from there.” Rumi: The Book of Love by Coleman Barks. I understand this. I am not who I think I am. I Am Love. How to remember? I feel like dying is worth remembering this. I don't want to go back to be swallowed up by modern life and it's superficial ways. I need to love, but modern life, for me, leaves no time for that. I'm the one who can design a life such as this.
It feels dangerous to drop the façade and connect on deeper levels with everyone. I'm afraid I'll be swallowed up. It's safer to be indifferent and focus on my plans and situation.
This is a journal entry from Thursday 7/4/13
My intention has been to transform into myself. I have been holding that fiercely. After my first session this morning, I believe I refined that intention to include what I already know about my authentic self – which is a power erotic being.
My penis is at the center of my masculinity. My masculine power comes from my penis. That power is available to me and served me during my father's passing. So one way to transform into myself is to release my masculine erotic power or to find new ways to express my erotic power.
I'm not looking for ways to be authentic. I'm looking for how I am authentic and learning how to express that.
This is a journal entry from Saturday 7/6/13
Yesterday, I got in touch with losing our cat and the gift that she was. I got the insight that she was wise and powerful and big even though she was only a tiny cat. She demonstrated that. Then I realized I was also big and powerful and wise compared to how I perceive myself.
My intention is to transform into my wise, powerful and big self.
Today was the last full day of the workshop/intensive. I have been an SI client eight times. I have been an SI eight times. That is so powerful. I intend to go back to Austin and begin searching for a full time software development job again. I want to reserve time to do SI work. I want to have more intentional contact with my partner. It's time to start working again.
This is a journal entry from Monday 7/8/13
After all those sessions, I am very clear. I want to go back into a software development position of my choosing. I will slate some time to have available for SI sessions. I'll complete my Yoga of Sex course, and plan on attending Sexological Bodywork Training. I'd like to attend In the Garden as a client and maybe continue to advanced SI training. I want to eventually get to the PSI intensive and In the Silence. I'm going to increase the intimacy between my partner and I. I'm going to keep up with my Orgasmic Yoga sessions and reach out to potential clients. I'm going to have a follow-up SI session to bring this to completion, working on my mission and vision statements. I want to complete my death preparations.
This is a journal entry from Sunday 7/14/13
My heart still feels tingly. I feel full. I feel ecstatic. It's been three weeks since I last ejaculated. I have been very sexual that entire time. I can't imagine being more happy and powerful. There's certainly nothing wrong with ejaculating. I am just loving the feeling of my erotic energy rising within me to the point of overflowing. It empowers me to be more authentic and fearless.
I feel so excited in my belly.
I choose to focus on my mission and vision, so that I will be better able to spot a company that aligns with my purpose. Instead of focusing on adult entertainment, maybe I need to focus on charitable organizations, or those focused on health, healing, sexual health, poverty, hunger,... I want a company focused on service more than profits even if profits are a priority for the sake of continued service. I need something with vacation and insurance.
This is a journal entry from Thursday 7/18/13
I'm taking two SEE classes this week. I have not kept up with the reading. I started out behind schedule. I want to spend the next couple of weeks going over the reading I missed and look for ways to incorporate what I learn. Unfortunately, I also want to work on my Yoga of Sex course. And I want a new job. I have a sense of limited time. I have not worked on my Yoga of Sex course in a long time because of prep for SI training. I feel I am getting slower and slower. Other things need to be done and I am doing them. I am not keeping focus.
According to everything I've been reading this week, it all comes down to keeping my focus on the presence of God, to seek first the Kingdom, to have faith... The desire to get everything done is blocking me. I need to be aware that I have my life in and through God first. I first let go of the anxiety, then everything is possible.
This is a journal entry from Friday7/19/13
My mission is to give people permission
to explore their physical desires
to grow their spiritual understanding
To heal their wounds
I am looking for a job that nourishes my soul so that I have abundant energy when I am not at work. In the evenings and on weekends.
My real desire is to help people experience healing on all levels. I want to continue to learn new modalities and to grow my ability to serve in this way. I want to explore a life of service.
I believe I want a full time job with health insurance and ample time for training and practicing my healing arts.
I prosper as a healer and Sacred Intimate
God in me prospers me as a healer and Sacred Intimate