More Rambling

This is a journal entry from Tuesday 5/22/12

Regrets. Maybe I would regret getting sick before I was able to begin living my life as I wish. But I may also regret it if I lost my job trying to do that and then didn't recover financially. There's pressure either way and the solution probably isn't “jumping off a cliff.”

Is the key to find my balance again? I'm still thinking sabbatical, but it won't help if I am worried about money and finding my next job the whole time. I need to sop worrying about money to start with. I often imagine winning the lottery, but can I learn to feel that I've already won the lottery? Whether it's the miraculous experience of live, or of god providing for my every need, that feeling seems feasible.

Can I learn to accept every experience as a gift from God?

I saw a video clip of a preacher saying that if all the gays and lesbians were rounded up and isolated, that we would die out because we couldn't reproduce. He must not realize that my parent's weren't gay. We don't reproduce, but we are part of the genetic fabric of humanity. Since we exist, we must have some part in the survival of our species. If we didn't exist, humanity may very well die out. Gays are necessary to the survival of our species.

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It's funny. When I think about accepting everything as a gift from God, good by definition, I feel myself bracing for the worst. What if I really can expect the best?

This is a journal entry from Thursday 5/24/12

I felt like crying when I got to work today. I didn't take time to understand why. I was very unmotivated to get out of bed this morning and skipped my morning run. I'm not happy.

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I'm scared. Maybe I wanted to cry because I felt vulnerable.

Is the time I spend being quiet and journaling just a way to stuff my feelings? Am I tamping my feelings down? I feel exhausted. I want to cry because I can't keep going. I can't keep pushing. I can't keep fearing. I can't keep doing whatever it is I do. How do I surrender? How do I give up? How do I quit? Quit fighting.

Stop fighting. I accept God's will and God's will is good. My job is to know that God is good actually, and not just in an abstract sense. My job is to be excited about being showered with God's good. I don't have to figure it out. I can just know that I don't have the whole story. Everything is good, beyond my wildest imagination.

This is a journal entry from Friday 5/25/12

Maybe I am caught up. I don't feel any huge pressure in this moment. Maybe I'm always caught up. There will always be something to do, so I can't wait for everything to be done before I feel caught up.

I want to create some images. I want them to represent me expressing my power. I want them to represent my power. I want them to represent my prosperity. I want them to represent my authenticity.

I see myself as one aspect of the universal life, shred by all living things. This is my authentic nature. What does my power look like? I don't want to answer quickly.

Slow Evolution and Feeling Rushed

This is a journal entry from Friday 5/11/12

I had the sense again of there being too many things going on at once, but now I think it has more to do with having time to do nothing. I need time for my head to settle.

I would like to begin dismantling my negative thinking, but I don't have a good awareness of those negative thoughts. They come and go leaving me feeling down, but I don't notice them until they're gone. Or I try to drown them out with distractions.

• I've often thought that I wish I had more money so that I could pursue my dreams without having to work for other people, because work keeps me from doing what I feel called to do. For this reason, I resent work.

My goal is not to attack this thought, but to state it accurately, to be in tough with it and to allow it to be. It's difficult to keep my mind from churning on why I shouldn't feel this way.

• I wish I had much more money so that I could do retreats and travel all year long.
• My eyes often feel tired, and I have persistent neck tension, and I feel tired.
• My cluttered office is unacceptable. I feel overwhelmed.
• I don't know what to do, I don't have a vision. How do I want to earn an income? I've got too many things I want to do at once.
• There are lots of things I think I can't do, that are beyond my ability and comfort. None of them are real.

I've defined a spiritual program for myself. It includes presence, exploration, and community. I will endeavor to make this the underpinnings of my life.

Now I will turn my attention to creating that plan that I think I can't create. In this plan, money will only be a byproduct. It means following a calling to help humanity find peace with itself.

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I've just had the thought while reading Emerson that it is better to be myself than to try to be what I believe I am or what I think I should be. I've been trying to steer myself into being my true self by trying to figure out what that is rather than just allowing myself to be.

This is a journal entry from Monday 5/14/12

I am trapped. My neck is stiff. I am restricted. I am not where I want to be. I am where I don't want to be.

If I went home now and slept for two days, how would life be different? The world is moving too fast. Even when I sit still, I resist rushing. I need time to go deep, but no one has time for that. I don't have time for that.

I don't want to be left behind.

As I was writing about the rush of the day, I got an email about Heart of Stillness. I've already planned to do to Healing the Wounded Healer this summer – I'm already paid. It just felt like a coincidence and I don't believe in coincidences.

I need help. I need help finding my way. I imagine walking away from this job. I imagine giving myself the time to unwind and find my own natural rhythm. I imagine continuing to expand my consciousness by attending these retreats – but I can't imagine how I am supposed to use this to prosper. Prosperity. How do I prosper without this job? I don't understand how I can prosper without freedom, and I don't feel free.

How do I preserve this sense of what it would be like to live my vision of a spiritual life – a life of service. I don't know what I will be called to do until I am called to do it. How do I keep from being swallowed again by fears and self doubts? I feel like abandoning my relationships and risking sickness and death.

This is a journal entry from Tuesday 5/15/12

I've been toying with a new idea. It comes from my experience at Dear Love. At that time, I was able to see that it was more real than the “real world.” This new idea is that I can get back to that reality. I have the ability to live my life from that open hearted place of love and acceptance. I believe it has to do with my state of consciousness.

I imagine two circles with centers at different places. Each represents a reality. One is the world where everything is as it appears to be, rational. This is where most of us live, on the surface. Superficial existence where we must work for a paycheck and get the health insurance and survive on a daily basis. The other world is that world of love and acceptance I discovered earlier. I think of it as a spiritual world. I think this may be what Jesus was talking about when he spoke of the “Kingdom of Heaven.” I'd like to find a more secular, less emotionally charged term. People see it as a religious term, but it's an accessible state of consciousness that is our birthright.

My goal is to learn to live my life from that place, while continuing to live life in the world. In the end, how I make a living is irrelevant as long as I am living an open hearted life. I need others to help me know myself.

This is a journal entry from Friday 5/18/12

I need to remember that I Am a man. I Am a free man. I Am free and I have power. I am uncontrollable. That feels nice. I cannot be controlled.

I align myself with my core - as God created me to be. I must trust myself to be uncontrolled. I must follow my own highest understanding. As a man, I cannot be dissuaded from being fully authentic. As a woman, I cannot be dissuaded from following my heart.

I am not required to remain in this job. I can leave whenever I choose. I can follow my heart. I need to leave at some point, preferably after I find an insurance alternative but that's not necessary. I need to stop and relax and not be concerned for my finances as I allow my life to unfold. What does it look like?

• Following and refining my spiritual program
• Completing my Yoga of Sex class
• Taking Healing the Wounded Healer, Creating Sacred Intimacy, Heart ofStillness, and In theGarden.
• Spending time designing/building software as I choose
• Making movies
• Taking days off to follow my heart and play
• Practicing/talking about sacred intimacy
• Sitting quietly, enjoying life

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I just realized that I sometimes get passionate about an idea and then try to calm myself down again. I want to learn not to do that.

My Spiritual Program

This is a journal entry from Friday 5/4/12

I'm thinking about my spiritual program. Eros is part of it. Community is part of it. Faith and trust is part of it.

In any given moment, I want to be able to have a sense of the loving presence of God. I want to let go of my resistance to what is. Byron Katie's “The Work” can help me here. So can writing about my faith, what I believe in the moment.

God is present here and now. I Am in God. God is breathing me. God is in me. I Am one in God.

When I am in the presence of other people, I shrink. I retract. I adapt a defensive posture. I can't hear my thoughts as my focus turns outward. I become quiet and others take center stage. I become the invisible observer. I don't see myself as part of the scene. I sense that I need a different perspective, one where I am present in the scene – a participant. What does that look like? How will God help me integrate myself in the lives of others? I ask God to clear my vision, knowing he has answered my prayer before I asked.

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My goal is to know Truth and to live Truth.

• Right now, I believe the life in me is the same life in you, we are one. I call this one life force God. Since I am this life and not this body, I cannot die. I live on as life itself.
• Right now, I believe that my consciousness is more real than the physical world I perceive myself to live in. I am spirit, not matter. Reality is subjective, not objective. I believe anything that causes me distress in the world is actually an aspect of myself.
• My consciousness encapsulates me and my experience through this body. Only my subjective reactions can disturb me, nothing outside me can do that. It's not what you think of me that I'm afraid of, it's what you show me I think of myself.
• Right now, I believe matter itself is consciousness. I am conscious and I am made of matter, so all matter has this capacity. I don't know what that means, but it may be what binds us together in God.

The ultimate goal is to open my heart. I want to experience the awareness I had after Dear Love of Comrades. I was open and confident. I had the sense that the community on the top of the mountain was more real than my day to day world. I am loved and appreciated.

I've been under the impression that if I learn to love myself, I will naturally love others. But I feel that if I'm not contributing to something greater than myself, then I'm just being selfish. I need to remember that I have inherent value. At the same time, I feel a need to serve. How?

This is a journal entry from Saturday 5/5/12

I'm not looking for a new theology,I just want a spiritual program that meets my needs. For the longest time, I've wanted certainty that I had it right. I try desperately to stamp out any doubt and express more faith. Now I can see what I most want is what I most need to avoid. I want to remain teachable and open to Truth. I don't want to find myself rejecting Truth in the future because I didn't recognize it as “my” truth.

God is benevolent – as is Life. The intelligence of the universe is God. The life of the universe is God. God is Love. I don't believe God set the universe in action and then disappeared. I believe God is present and active in every moment. God is the life in my body. God breaths me. As long as God exists, I exist. Matter and spirit come together in the universe. Matter and energy. Male and female. One and the same. Duality and unity.

My job in the near term is to identify thoughts that make me feel that life is anything less than perfect and apply Byron Katie's “The Work” to them. I want to practice awareness of the One Life of the universe that I call God through meditation and self-pleasure and meditative self-pleasure. I will go to church.

This is a journal entry from Monday 5/7/12

I don't want to go back to work. I want to take care of myself. I feel tired. I want to make videos. I don't want another job. that would take time away from my work also. I want a benefactor. I want to be free of the need to waste time when there is so much to do.

Thinking of going back in makes me want to cry. How can this be right. There's nothing wrong with this job. I'm not being pushed or threatened. It's not too difficult. My inner child is throwing a tantrum. I just don't want to go back in. I don't want to be told what to do. I want to be free to create.

Presence, exploration, expression, service.

Pay attention to what is real. This is not real. What is real is my power, my presence, my love. I can feel the satyr within me. This is the aspect I long to express. Don't bother escaping from prison, transcend it. Like the prodigal son, I return to my power.

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Spiritual Sexual Community

This is a journal entry from Saturday 4/21/12

I'm doing my best this weekend to connect with my inner commander. It's about honoring my decisions and claiming my authority. It's about having compassion for myself and not criticizing myself for not living up to unrealistic external expectations.

I keep thinking about things I should be doing. I don't want to force myself to do them, but just because I think I should do something doesn't mean I shouldn't.

I am not in control, but I am in command, even if I don't want command. No one else is in charge of me, but I don't want responsibility for my mistakes. We are born to make mistakes. We can't learn to do new things without mistakes.

I don't know how to take the pressure off. I feel like most anything I do is an escape that prevents me from seeing what's keeping me from relaxing. I can escape, but the underlying problem will remain.

I want a clean office, but I don't want to clean it. I see a ton of things I need to get done. Thinking about it makes me feel tired, so I avoid it and it gets bigger. There's a feeling I have to continuously push and that is what I am rebelling against. I'm tired. I can't keep pushing. That is the problem I don't want to face.

I'm tired. I can't keep pushing, but I need to keep pushing. But I'm tired.

Pushing is making me tired. I know I need to stop pushing. It's an ingrained habit. How do I break it? Not by escaping it. Commander, what do I do?

The thought that I need to keep pushing feels like the one that's not correct. It's a false belief. When the magic is strongest is when my power flows freely without pushing.

But I feel impatient. The energy doesn't flow, so I push. I can't force the flow, either. I need to pay attention and support the flow when it's there, but I can't force it. Maybe I can't even encourage it which is what my ego says to do. The flow stops if you're looking for it.

So, stop pushing and don't look for the flow. When I feel the flow, follow it and don't impede it.

This is a journal entry from Sunday 4/22/12

I found motivation to get things done yesterday. I bought a cocktail dress from Ross, some comic books from the comic book store, and some mulch to help some grass to grow. I washed and cleaned the jeep. Today, I cleaned up the den for a guest who's arriving in a few weeks.

These are not things that I would have thought were top priority, but it was what called to me.

I didn't have much human interaction this weekend.

I miss having people in my life that I had during my time in twelve step programs. A support group helped me develop and maintain my spirituality. I don't want to lose myself in a group, but some people who share my priorities and encourage me. I want people to laugh with.

Does a group exist that I can join? Can I create the group I want? What am I looking for in my group?

I like the twelve step format, but we don't have twelve steps. I'm thinking maybe a chance to share our spiritual programs, share trouble spots that we want to overcome.

This is a journal entry from Monday 4/23/12

A spiritual support group would be good, but I'm thinking about the camaraderie that existed between people. Conversation and coffee before and after meetings. It's not always deep and profound. It seemed to me to work because there was a regular get together of like minded people. It's easier than scheduling a coffee date because it just happened. I'm back to needing a community, a support group. I want sex and spirituality to be a part of the conversation. These can be tough topics to start, so there should be some way to facilitate it. It should be practical and useful

I saw a TED talk on vulnerability. There is a need to be vulnerable if you want to live an authentic fulfilled life. It means sharing who you are without the mask and risking rejection in order to connect with those who won't reject you. I want to go back and make some notes about it as there were some characteristics that are important I'd like to learn.

Maybe it was that people who are most happy and fulfilled pursue vulnerability as a way to find there authenticity. Again it feels like it's time to come out of the closet as a sex positive being.

It feels like I'm creating a new theology. There is only one God, regardless of your beliefs about him. Christian, Jewish, Islamic,... One and the same God. We all worship differently. One spirit. Science is a religion, too. It becomes a religion when you extrapolate beyond the scientific method to claim it is the greatest truth, but I digress.

I want to get together on a regular basis with people who want to explore and share their sexual/spiritual journey.

This is a journal entry from Tuesday 5/1/12

My partner is on his way to New York. I am on my way back to Austin. I look forward to seeing him again.

I need more people in my life. More lovers. My perspective is changing and I need help to preserve that. My consciousness is moving from a place of valuing money to valuing service. If everyone gave selflessly, why would we need money? I don't need.

It seems hard to open my heart. I felt it at Dear Love. So sad and sweet. When do I find joy? Maybe when I let go of my addiction to "sad and sweet," when I let go of my addiction to "life is hard." It's time to stop pushing and start flying

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I want to see to my spiritual program. I want something heart centered and disciplined, probably involving self pleasuring. I want something that helps me live in the present and trust that it is good. I could focus on the awareness of the unity of all life, but I'm not ready to surrender the idea of a benevolent spirit that guides and creates us. I may reach the point where these are equivalent, but I'm not there yet. I like the way twelve step programs allow for sharing of experience strength and hope. I need some fellow sex monks.