Thursday, December 20, 2012

Self Celebration and Remembering The Present

This is a journal entry from Monday 12/10/12

Think Differently.

My experience of the world grows out of the stories I tell myself about it. Last month, I told myself I could quit this job. I still don't have anything to replace the income. I am still very tired and can't think of doing anything that won't make me feel tired. I don't know what would make me happy, content.

I'm still afraid of being known.

It's time I learned to celebrate myself. Everyone should. If I know how to celebrate myself, I will be closer to knowing my path.

I celebrate my ability to understand how the universe works. I love wrapping my head around the work of physicists. I love my ability to appreciate my conscious experience of the world as more real to me than the world itself. I appreciate my ability to think by writing. I appreciate my ability to cry, and the joy I feel in making other men cry.

This is a journal entry from Wednesday 12/12/12

My desire to find a different way of making money has been distracting me from the present moment. Trying to figure out what to do, what would lead me toward greater fulfillment without bankrupting me, has kept me focused in my thoughts about the future. I haven't been present.

The key to all power has always been in the present moment. The present moment is eternal. It can't be about the destination. I need to get my nose out of the map and look at the road.

Monday, December 10, 2012

The Greater Good

This is a journal entry from Monday 11/26/12

I intentionally wanted to focus on doing whatever I chose to do in the moment this weekend. I didn't want to focus on accomplishing anything. I still managed to wear myself down on Sunday. I've wanted to rewrite my resume objective in a way that reflected the kind of job I want. It was very slow.

I've got a few names I respect in the area of sexual freedom and a few nonprofit organizations. That is the product of my efforts yesterday. I judge myself for not doing more, but it was real work.

I also hit the desire to get back to the gym.

It occurs to me now that I may want to do some mindless tasks while I'm waiting for inspiration. I don't think it's useful sitting and asking myself what I want. There's no answer. Inspiration comes in its own time. It would also help me feel more productive. “Seeks authentic work with a heart guided company.” “Technology consultant for adult content providers.”

I have a unique ability to earn money. I am able to provide a service that is needed and rare. I've found nonprofit companies. The money I earn can help.

This is a journal entry from Tuesday 11/27/12

I've begun reading The Velvet Rage by Alan Downs. I'm on a section talking about authentic validation. I've talked in the past about not feeling that I could be authentic at work. The book presents the idea that if we're not able to be authentic growing up, we fail to develop a sense of security in being authentic. I went through a long period of not trusting myself and suppressing myself. This book is talking about that.

This is a journal entry from Thursday 11/29/12

I've been avoiding the question. If my company is killing me, how can I stay? Whenever I start to think about this, I think myself in circles. I got no closer to a decision. I've given myself until 12/7.

My underlying fear is that leaving the company won't resolve my problem. I may not be in the right job, but I have a hard time knowing what's the right job.

I'm reading The Velvet Rage and I'm worrying that I'm seeking authentic validation at work. I don't think that's a valid place to look for it. I felt validated as  a sex toy as  young man. Am I still pursuing that now - trying to turn it into a career? I don't feel shame as I see myself masturbating on x-tube, but I would if my family or co-workers saw it. What does that mean?

This is a journal entry from Friday 11/30/12

It's not the new year yet, but I'm choosing to revisit my mission and vision statements. I want my mission to include mention of serving the greater good, maybe even selfishly serving the greater good. I want to be a custodian of life on Earth, to preserve and protect it. Then I want to help mankind survive as a species. Then I want to help raise the quality of life of those in deep need.

I see myself as part of the fabric of life on this planet. I believe that I can hep with those greater goals by helping those around me find healing. I recognize that I need healing.

My mission is to have a healing influence on all living things around me.

Just a note - there are no journal entries for the week of 12/3 through 12/9. I just didn't write. No worries.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

More on Authentic Work

This is a journal entry from Tuesday 11/20/12

I've got a nice problem that is making me feel awful. I am eligible to do some interviewing for a company that would let me relocate to Southern California. Unfortunately, I don't give myself good odds on getting the job. And it's a job doing what I've been doing. And it would mean a tough interview process. This is all making me feel stressed.

Even if I didn't get the job, it could be a nice way to get polished up on my skills and practice interviewing. It would mean shifting my priorities again. I'm dreading this, but it's a good thing to have this opportunity.

I want to arrange the circumstances of my life. If I want to become a sex educator, healer, whatever..., I need to first make my life conducive to that idea. I need to provide space for it to manifest.

I'm actually thinking beyond that. I'm in complex territory. There are many people on Earth. We have food to feed everyone, but not everyone is fed. We have talents and skills, but fewer and fewer places to exercise them. The company I work for wouldn't be profitable. It would serve those who have no money. It would feed them emotionally, physically and spiritually. It would challenge them to use their skills in the service of others.

We need to build the modern equivalents of tribes. What is easier to afford? Five homes with two people in each? Or one house with ten people working together in community, sharing resources and skills? The community supports it's members. The members support their community.

I want to explore my values since one of my goals is to work for a company that shares my values. What does that mean to me? It means having goals other than profits. It means holding to ideals of respect and equality and working for the common good. Mostly working for the common good.

Stop jailing people who give and receive physical pleasure. Evolve sexually - be an adult and stop thinking of sex as a titillating joke.

Empower people to find meaning in their lives.

This is a journal entry from Thursday 11/22/12

Maybe I can be God's sidekick. I'm still looking for values - my values. Every time I think of values, I think of Star Trek. Honor, Duty. Helping people in trouble. Treating everyone with respect.

Who is doing work that I believe in? Joseph Kramer? The Dalai Lama, Unity? Who is solving global warming? Hunger? Poverty? Depression? Who is empowering people?

Reid Mihalko?

Slow down. I'm looking for fast answers. It always comes back to slowing down.

I've already got a map of what I think I'd like to do. I still don't trust it. I'm afraid of losing everything.

This is a journal entry from Friday 11/23/12

I'm tired of feeling split. The part of myself that I most identify with is the part I'm not sharing with most people. Making sex public. This is what I enjoy. But as long as I don't feel comfortable with the idea of anyone knowing about this part of myself, I am trapped, bound, in the closet.

It's important to recognize that the people I feel I can't be myself with are a part of me. It's none of my business what others think of me. I'm actually afraid of how I feel about myself. That's tough.

I think this bout of self doubt came on because of a dream I had of the man who demonstrated freedom to me. He did what he wanted with no apologies. I was deeply in the closet then. He taught me by being authentic.

I have not thought of him recently. This dream came out of the blue. It makes me wonder if he died.

I don't know if he would understand who I am now. I imagine he could be violent. On some level, he must have known. The point is, I learned how to hide and now I don't know how not to. I sense that some people always say what's on their mind, like my sister.

I can conceive that I am exhibitionist because it's a way to be open and authentic without sharing it with people I don't want to know. Maybe I'm more and more extremely open in some areas because I still feel so constrained in others.

So, how can I feel more authentic with people who think they know me, but have only scratched the surface? I don't need them to see me in an erotic video. That's not the point. The point is that I don't feel like I can be myself. There's nothing in particular that I want to say or do, but how I feel during any given interaction. It's all in my consciousness.

What is it that I'm thinking that makes me put the feelings of other people above my own? Fear. And why? Is it that I don't respect myself? I feel other people's beliefs are more valid than mine. This stretches back to school when I was harassed and excluded. People told me I should feel less than. I think that's where it began.

I feel a need to let go. I want to be able to step away and relax. No pressure at all. I imagine what it would be like to let go of striving to create the life I desire. Would I begin to enjoy the life I have?

This is a journal entry from Sunday 11/25/12

I don't feel compelled to leave my company until they tell me I can't attend Sacred Intimacy Training because I don't have vacation time. In December, I will evaluate leaving.

On the other hand, I'm still being pursued by companies that aren't interesting to me. So how can I rework my resume to appeal to companies I want to work for doing what I want to do? What if I didn't have to settle for less money?

I feel inspired to jump out of the mainstream. I need to develop a track record.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Seeking The Future

This is a journal entry from Monday 11/12/12

Anyone who reads my blog knows I'm far from perfect, but there's no telling how many of my readers judge me for this without realizing they are just as flawed. However you feel about what you read here says more about you than it does about me.

I've talked about my life's work before, but I don't really know what that may be. Given my own experience, I sense there are many people who aren't comfortable with their sexual desires. Their desires really don't make much sense. I think they become sexually malnourished because of this and lash out at those who are well fed. I'd like to help teach people how to nourish themselves.

I also imagine there are some who see an idealized life that is devoid of sex except for procreation, where delight of the physical senses is less valid than child like innocence and mental sterility. These believe massage should avoid the genitals and sensory enhancing drugs are immoral and need to be against the law. Prostitutes and drug users are seen as morally bankrupt. The universe is black and white. I'd rather find a balance, encouraging people to live their own truth without infringing on the choices of others, and making it easier for people who have problems to find help without judgment. Legalization and regulation of drugs and prostitution.

Probably most important is to help others break free of something that binds me - the tyranny of money. How can you live today without it? How it keeps those in need in a perpetual state of need. It makes the modern world possible, so I don't know how to escape it.

This is a journal entry from Tuesday 11/13/12

There's another aspect driving me right now. Death. Maybe this is behind everything. My t-cells are lower than I've experienced before. I imagine I could start experiencing opportunistic infections anytime. I don't know how many years I have left. I think stress is eating away at my t-cells.

So I feel like I'm wasting valuable time at work and I feel like there's going to be no time in pursuing my calling. So I could have between 1 and 20 years left. How much of that will I be on disability? How much of a burden will I be on my partner and my family?

Many of the gifts I can give don't have a monetary value. I can't convert them into products. Time for my other dreams is running out.

This is a journal entry from Thursday 11/15/12

I noticed that my focus has been changing. It wasn't long ago I decided to focus on my Yoga of Sex class so that I could finish my Sexological Bodywork training. Then I went on vacation and had a chance to work on my first DVD and my video became the priority. Then I became overwhelmed and fed up with work and decided to make a change.

I think to myself that I can get back to my priorities once the current crisis has passed. If I keep changing my priorities, maybe I don't know them yet.

This is a journal entry from Saturday 11/17/12

What is the ideal outcome at this time? I think I have a function to serve in this world. I believe I must already be serving it.

I imagine if I could do what I wanted to do. There are fantasies of being an erotic monk, being intimate with seekers. Maybe I could write a story about that.

I want to learn more, and I learn by teaching. Maybe I should be a professional student.

I want to be able to go on cruises and attend erotic intensives and spiritual intensives and spiritual erotic intensives.

I want to be free to dress as I like, or not at all.

Ideally, I would prosper on freedom. Nourishing myself would allow me to give to the world and the world would support me.

There's not one thing, but many. Living in spiritual erotic community, designing and building software applications, writing, learning. There may be phases to this.

Seeing myself naked in a video with an erection makes me aware of how I have changed. Most people are not comfortable putting their religious beliefs on par with other belief systems. They feel what they believe must be held to or they will be lost, so they defend it and feel threatened by critically thinking about why they believe.

Is my religion true just because I happened to grow up where I did? If I grew up in an Islamic country, my beliefs would need to be just as strong and as fiercely defended.

Logically, no religion has an imperative to be a one true religion. So I've adopted a belief that all religions are valid, but I still filter through the lens of the teachings of Jesus. I don't identify with the rigid close mindedness of the evangelicals. I've adopted the belief that sex is good, so I don't identify with religions that seek to demonize it, but I choose to incorporate beliefs that celebrating sexuality is a valid religious principle.

So, I have many pieces I can use to build my future. Learning, writing, coding, healing, teaching.

In five years, I want to be free to be myself. That means not having my prosperity threatened because I'm an exhibitionist and nudist. I want to be able to spiritually and erotically explore and share what I learn. I want to be free to pursue what interests me without feeling I need to constrain myself to survive.

In ten years, I'd like a permanent facility dedicated to erotic education, advocacy, and freedom.
I want to adopt the philosophy that my prosperity does not depend on the money myth. I believe that God will provide exactly what I need.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Thoughts Are Lies

This is a journal entry from Monday 11/5/12

I felt like throwing up before work. The other day, I wanted to cry. There are some very deep emotions here.

This morning, I took a med for anxiety. It has calmed me. I feel heavy. I'm still worried, but I can function. My hope is that it can help calm me enough to see my emotions from a more relaxed state of mind.

Wanting to cry and feeling nauseous are probably extreme responses to the stress I feel. I don't fear immediate death, but I fear being yelled at or being disrespected or being perceived as weak and incompetent. I cry because I don't see how to hide my incompetence when it's being tested. I can see people seeing me with exasperation at not understanding the simplest things I should know.

I know that's how I feel about myself. I look at myself with exasperation and disdain. How could I be such a failure. I've tried everything I could. It's not possible for me to excel here with my current expectations of myself.

I can now sense this giant judge inside me. If I'm insulted, he agrees or apologizes for my incompetence. He pushes me to keep up and do more in less time - always goading and judging.

If this is my father, he attacks me because he feels inadequate.

My trouble with work has nothing to do with work and everything to do with me. How can I change?

I recognize myself as the judge. How do I judge more kindly?

This is a journal entry from Tuesday 11/6/12

I'd like to keep investigating that judgmental part of myself that I found yesterday. The easier I can recognize it, the easier I can act in spite of it.

It's a revelation to know that I don't really fear others seeing me as incompetent or disappointing. It's actually that I'm disappointed in myself, that I can't cut it at this job. It actually feels good to recognize that I'm disappointed in myself.

I think of my self as weak. I feel like I can't trust myself. I judge myself for being a weak sexual pervert. I judge myself for not being true to myself and treating myself like I matter.

I guess I should have given my two weeks notice. I was just told by my manager that a couple of people complained about me in a defect meeting. They said I was vague about the defects and complaining, playing the victim. This on a project that feels like it's killing me. I'm very angry. I'm at my wits end.

I'm trying to figure out why I should care since the best I've done is get complaints. What else can I do?

This is a journal entry from Thursday 11/8/12

I like that I'm beginning to see how I think about myself. It may have come across as negative, but I don't believe my thoughts. In a way, I want to say that I'm finally getting honest with myself about what I'm thinking, but I also have my good thoughts about myself that are just as valid and true. I have some perspective.

Many of my negative feelings come from self judgment. I think I'm not competent at work, that I have failed in life. I think I'm superficial for believing physical pleasure can be healing. It's not that I feel others will look down on me with pity and disgust as much as it is that I think I have reasons to feel pity and disgust. I think that I have less value than other people, that they're more important than me. It makes me want to avoid bothering or disturbing them.

I need to be aware of these thoughts so that I can disagree with them, so I can confront them with the harm they do. When I feel bad, I can recognize the thought behind the feeling is untrue or irrelevant. I think most of my negative thoughts are irrelevant.

This is a journal entry from Friday 11/9/12

Now that I know that I judge myself, it's easier to recognize when it's affecting how I feel and I can call it out. I'm waiting for a phone call from a recruiter. I feel nervous and resistant. I recognize that I'm inappropriately believing that I am less important and insufficient. I recognize that I am important. I look at how I'm feeling and recognize that I can do much better if I stop selling myself short and believe that I deserve good things. I'm not asking anyone to give me anything. I'm becoming willing to give of myself and be appreciated for that.

I'm looking for a job that I can leave at the office. It would be wonderful to be 24 hours per week. It probably can't be too corporate a job. I have skills in programming, electronics, technology, administration and troubleshooting. We may need to downsize our home so I can afford to work less. I have military training. I need more data. I don't have information to compare. I need to see want ads.

This is a journal entry from Sunday 11/11/12

I've been going through the want ads looking for something different, something I could enjoy. Nothing has clicked yet. I'm looking for a strategy.

I have a sense of an emotion that I would like to feel. It's a relaxed feeling where I can trust myself to be creative. It's confidence that what I am doing is worthwhile, and that I can do it well. For some reason, I imagine that meaning having enough money in the bank that I don't have to think about it.

Financial security is an illusion, but all I really need is work that I can continue for as long as I live. I'm tired of doing what I'm doing now. All the money I have made, I have earned. I don't really know how. If I hadn't been doing something of value, I wouldn't be making money.

How can I do what I have been doing for others for myself instead? How can I do what I've been doing in a new way? What is it that I really do?

Thursday, November 8, 2012

The Pressure for Movement Mounts

This is a journal entry from Wednesday 10/24/12

I bring myself back to being centered in consciousness and quiet my mind. I listen. I feel the joy and angst of my heart beating. The love wells up and looks for expression.

Although I still feel anxiety at work, I've also noticed a growing detachment and disillusionment with the world. I think it has more to do with aging than with growth. Trying to push harder isn't giving me more results. The world needs a way to slow down and to stabilize without collapsing in on itself. Is there a way to avoid the collapse of civilizations we've seen in the past?

I think about what we are taught, to get a job and start a career working for corporations, raising families, saving for retirement and retiring. We actually hear very little about starting our own companies or fulfilling our lifetime missions on Earth. The institution of work is part of the fabric of our civilization, so it's promoted over any other paradigm. I think most people are unhappy with their options.

Life is precarious. We don't like that and look for comfort where we can find it. I want to use it as an agent for change - granting courage.

This is a journal entry from Friday 11/2/12

I feel like crying. That's how unhappy I feel about facing my day. My job feels like torture right now. At first, I wanted to focus on feeling my power so that I could change the way I feel. But I think it's important to acknowledge this feeling. It's here to tell me something.

This suffering - if I can call it that - can help me differentiate myself. I can differentiate where I end and my job begins. If I was fully centered in myself, then I wouldn't attach to the circumstances of my job. Impossible expectations wouldn't be able to harm me. Uncomfortable meetings couldn't rock me. I am not my circumstances. I am not trapped. I am free.

I thought I would be able to continue using this job to build my wealth as I continued my work of sexual healing and celebration. Now I believe the cost is too great. I don't feel confident or competent with this company. I don't feel able to keep up with this industry. What is a less demanding fall back? I feel the need to sacrifice. I want to feel joy in my job and my work.

Back to contracting for 24 hours per week? Teaching? I need short hours unless I can align a job with my work. If I had time to “sit still and be” on a regular basis, what would I enjoy doing well?

I'm having trouble recognizing what I do well for others. Helping others.

This is a journal entry from Sunday 11/4/12

I'm torn. I have been trying to make a decision about work. I've decided I want to leave the company. I think it's killing me. I was trying to decide if I should put more effort into this project, or if I needed to give my two weeks notice immediately.

I have not worked on my video and I have not worked for the company. I spent yesterday raising my erotic creative energy. Then I began playing on the Internet, trying to find employers that resonated with me. I have much more unrushed research to go.

For my partner's sake, I will not immediately tender two weeks notice. First, there needs to be an alternative income. I've got two nibbles and I can talk to my old employer about contracting again. That doesn't feel right as it seems like less a change and more like selling myself out and asking for more heartache. I'm feeling pressured to make a move. If I can release the pressure, I can find another alternative.

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Today's Artwork

I decided to post the artwork I created during today's Orgasmic Yoga session.

Everyone deserves to be loved.
I am not limited to who I have been.
I may sacrifice everything I have known.
Everything I think I know is inside me.
I recognize and express my power in all my activities.
I want someone to f**k me.

During today's session, I confirmed my desire to look for a new job. The place I work now is eating away at me. I feel extremely unhappy about it, although I know I am create my reality.

I am open to the universe guiding me to a new job that nourishes me and allows me the time and resources to pursue my life's work. That feels like working 24 hours per week someplace where I can wear my nosering down and proud. I want it to align with my mission in some way. I want to be respected as someone who wants to be a sex educator and advocate and acknowledges the spiritual dimensions of erotic intimacy. That's a tall order, but I don't want to hide anymore.

Sunday, October 28, 2012

The Search for Goals and a Plan

This is a journal entry from Monday 10/15/12

I wonder how much time off I would need to feel balanced again. I'm not ready to go back to work. I”m already feeling dread and can't stop thinking about it. I'm tired of the tension. I need to give it more or get out. I need a job where I can feel my power, or rather I want such a job. I want time alone to go within and be. I'm tired of having to perform, or feeling like I have to perform all the time.

I'm demanding on myself. It's OK to do whatever I want. I still want to know how to support myself while I do that. I sense that I can support myself outside of a forty hour per week job. I think I can convert divinely inspired ideas into wealth, health and prosperity. I'm also concerned about American's fabulous excesses when so many are in poverty. I wish to nourish all parts of my soul, including the impoverished.

Thinking about all the creativity and energy people put into Halloween displays makes me wonder what would happen if it could be spent solving the world's problems. The world is in crisis, and that is what it's supposed to be at this moment. Americans see images of poverty and violence around the world and become more isolationist. Not everyone. The world is more dynamic. Some donate. Some lobby. Many narrow their focus to stay afloat.

We all need to nourish ourselves so that we may benefit others. I keep trying to figure it out, but there's nothing to figure out. The Universe will take care of itself with or without me. I need a sabbatical.

This is a journal entry from Tuesday 10/16/12

I need to not feel trapped. I'm thinking about a sabbatical to find out what is mine to do. I want time to let my vision come out without being continuously beat down by work. I want to be productive, but I feel tired.

I guess you need a plan to take a sabbatical. I don't have any vacation time for next summer's intensives. Could I do two or three over the summer to finish what I was trying to do and get my certification as a Sexological Bodyworker? Could I find a lower pressure job to take for six months that gave me the time I need? Can I use my sabbatical as a way to explore more fulfilling ways of making money? Independent business? How do you turn an idea into money? What else can I produce? How do I stop keeping myself from flowering?

I think the key really is to get out of my own way. I want some practical way of doing that. Getting out of my own way. Clearing my roadblocks. There's nothing you do to flower except to nurture and allow and protect. How do I protect myself from work? Do I leave it or find a way to embrace it?
  • Identify roadblocks.
  • Self nurture
  • Clear roadblocks
  • Pleasure
  • Meditation
  • Community

This is a journal entry from Wednesday 10/17/12

Nurturing myself doesn't mean satisfying every desire and self indulgence. That hasn't made me feel happy before. It means taking care of my animal. It means keeping a positive attitude, acknowledging my power.

This is a journal entry from Thursday 10/18/12

It doesn't feel intuitive or easy to keep things in perspective. My experience at work can't hurt me. All I'm doing is being and thinking and interacting during the day. I am not being threatened or tortured or mistreated. Nothing they say can harm me. The most they can do is fire me or lay me off. But I struggle. I want to accomplish my tasks. I'm afraid of disappointing people. When I can't do these things, I feel frustrated. I've felt very frustrated for a long time.

Why do I care? If someone else had unrealistic expectations, why do I feel hurt or pressured to meet them? I am always absolutely OK. No one can hurt me. I'm OK.

I can't control my emotions. Can I calm them? Can I protect myself from them? I feel so damaged.

This is a journal entry from Sunday 10/21/12

I want a simple plan. I can create. I am always creating. I want to come from a place of power. I don't want to be pushed around by work and life, at least not emotionally.

I have made plans before. Some have been complicated. Others have been oppressive or uninspiring. I want a plan I can use. I have lots of good ideas, so many that there's too much to do.

Taking time to get to know my power is the most important thing I can think of. Letting myself not be oppressed by fear. Letting my neck stretch. A good goal is learning to do that all the time.

I've always wanted to be the sidekick. I don't want the responsibilities of the hero. But I resent it when my own vision languishes. I want time to explore my vision, to let it unfold. Where do I want to go? I want to be financially independent where I don't rely on a job for income and insurance. This could be self-employment, or winning the lottery, or years of saving. It could mean trusting God to meet my needs. How do I do that?

Aside from this, I don't really know what I want. Writing software can be fun. Exploring Sacred Intimacy is scary and rewarding. I love the ideas of physics, but not the math.

Time continues to confound me. I don't have the time that I want to spend on my ideas. The world is so fast paced. Work takes up so much time. I want to design and write my own software. I like the power I feel creating something in that way, but there's too much other stuff to do.

I need help. If I had enough money, other people could take care of the time consuming stuff so that I could be creative. This may be the aspect of power I explore next. Can I create a world where I can be creative? I don't want to be manager of that. I want time to create.

I feel impatient, that time is running out. I don't want to “run out the clock.” But I also don't want to rush past things that are important to me.

When I was thinking about college and career, I went to the library and took notes and made copies of things that I thought I would go over when there was time. There was never any time. I've never had time to go as deeply into things I want to study and to explore. Everything around me goes too fast. I'm tired of it Is that a goal?

It's a quality of life. I want time to take care of my body and mind. I want a million dollar idea.

Friday, October 19, 2012

Key West Vacation Journaling

 My partner and I went to Key West for vacation from 10/6 through 10/16. This post doesn't really talk about that much, but records the journalling I did while I was there. I recorded my first video with another man on Saturday 10/13 that I will be including on my first DVD and posting to XTube, so I'm excited about that.

This is a journal entry from Monday 10/08/12

I'm on vacation. My intention is to relax my mind. I wish to use that relaxed state to imagine. I've never liked having to focus on how to earn money. That's part of the cultural foundation in which I live, but I wish to go deeper. The question isn't “how do I make money?,” but “what do I wish to give.”

I believe that part of that is developing and maintaining my consciousness. I am part of the same field of consciousness as other men. Yesterday on the boat, I felt separate. I lacked confidence and did not want to interact. My energy was low.

I need to be naked. It helps me connect with that innocence that is the foundation of life.

Now that I am away from the tension of work, my neck feels longer from not hunkering it down.

One of my difficulties is that when I try to see what is mine is that I see problems to overcome. It's hard for me to imagine the truth that everything is exactly the way it is supposed to be, but that is the crux of my message. That's what I want to focus on, my intention for the week.

I have infinite capacity to be. I can be naked. I can be homeless. I can be insane. I am unlimited. I have infinite capacity to create.

This is a journal entry from Tuesday 10/09/12

My intentions:
To relax my mind.
To know everything is exactly the way it's supposed to be.

I want to stop being so uptight. I don't know the key to that. Trust? I want to relax my mind, but I don't want to miss my whole vacation. I want to do what I want and enjoy myself.

I think the answer is what I discovered in Byron Katie. I'd like to cooperate with the universe, living moment by moment and finding fulfillment. I've been trying so hard to decide what to do, to be the cause continuously. All I see is me. I create what seems to come from outside me. I can let the world come to me. I can meet the world.

This is a journal entry from Wednesday 10/10/12

I have low self esteem. I trust other people more than myself. I am afraid of people. I try to hide who I am even when I don't know what that is. I am faking it. I've always recognized feeling shy, but I have not linked it to this feeling of not having the same value as other people. I let others be who they are and try not to judge them and then try not to offend them with anything I do. This is why I have such good experiences when I sit and let myself be aware of my power. If I can feel that sense of empowerment when I'm with other people, then I will be free. Then I am free.

This is a journal entry from Friday 10/12/12

I'm trying to decide what to do. I would still like to make the video, but I'm having trouble figuring out the location. I'd love a nice outdoor shady spot, but the spot reserved for massage is in sight of the cafe. Outdoor space is limited.

I haven't spoken to management here about what I'd like to do. We still haven't got a massage table. I need to speak to someone here who has power.

Either I don't really fit in this world or I fit too well. I don't see anyone else as naked as I m and as sexual as I am, but other men sometimes let down their guard and stop acting like prudes.

This is a journal entry from Saturday 10/13/12

I may be recording my first video with another person this morning. I am nervous. I accidentally came last night while high on poppers, so I wanted to call and cancel. I keep finding opportunities to cancel.

This is a journal entry from Sunday 10/14/12

I was able to get the footage yesterday for my DVD. I was able to stick with it and feel good about it.

I don't feel relaxed. This resort has the promise of sex, but it's still hard to come by. The energy here is draining. Since we recorded my movie, we've lost our seats by the pool. There was no where else here to relax but the room which defeats the purpose of being in a resort.

I was up late last night and did way too many poppers. I want to relax before going back to work, so the texture of my vacation needs to change.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Still Searching for Power

This is a journal entry from Monday 9/24/12

A new week. I went to the orthodontist to see what my teeth will look like. My partner went to work early. I have to work early tomorrow. I sent my mother some candy and flowers for her birthday. I am building my vision.

This is a journal entry from Thursday 9/27/12

I feel angry at myself for feeling so exhausted and tired. I don't want to judge the way I feel. It just is.

I'm here in the Jeep and allowing my power to rise. I don't want to raise my energy, but to recognize that I already have it. My power runs deep. I am already powerful.

It's time for strategy. I think part of the strategy is focus. Trying to advance in my job at the same time as trying five different ways to start a new one isn't working. I want to develop laser like focus on my mission. Do I need a new job? Forget about expanding my skills. What am I called to do now?

This is a journal entry from Friday 9/28/12

There's something even better than realizing there's nothing I have to do when I wake up and being able to decide at that time. That is realizing there's no need to decide. Now, I can relax into the present moment and recognize my power. I can keep my mind off of churning about what to do next. I can daydream.

This is a journal entry from Saturday 9/29/12

My intention today is to recognize and express my power.

I'm moving from surviving to creating. I'm thinking about what I want to contribute to God and the Universe. I Am the universe that I know. Discord I see outside is actually within. The greatest that I can conceive is also within me. How can I perceive infinite benevolence within me? How can I perceive the awe that is the depth of my soul?

Don't think about what to do today. Focus on being here now and see what arises.

I don't want to sit here. I want to accomplish things and get things done. I don't want to wake up Sunday night and wonder where all the time went. This is producing anxiety. But anxiety is stepping out of my power. I can use my power to give myself what I need. My power puts me above the fray.

I want to feel free to do more. I want to act without thinking. I want to let go of control. I'm afraid of feeling my feelings. I'm acting in spite of my fear. I still think it starts with feeling my power in the present moment. I suspect that it will take longer at first, but the more I put into it, the time can shorten. First feel my power to be free and to do or not do as I choose. Then take that awareness into my activity.

This is a journal entry from Sunday 9/30/12

My intention has been to recognize and express my power. At least part of that power would have to be the ability to embrace stillness. We often think of power as begin active, while believing being passive is being weak. But nothing can be active all of the time. There is always a need for recovery, or the organism dies. Even the heart pauses between each beat.

Many of us are driving ourselves, always trying to push forward. The world we have created is moving so fast that when things slow down to a steady pace, it is seen as a recession.

My theory is that each one of us has the ability to express near infinite power when we are aligned with our true nature. My goal is to design my life so my energy can flow and enrich my world. If I can learn how to do that myself, maybe I can help others learn more easily.

It means letting go of fear. And that means acting in spite of fear. It means disempowering fear.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Slowly Tapping into My Power

This is a journal entry from Monday 9/17/12

Nothing is required. I don't have to go running. I don't even have to go to work. I am free to do as I choose without guilt or second guessing. Whatever I choose to do is OK.

I say that because of the way I felt when I woke up this morning. I felt like I was required to do something that I didn't want to do. I had to. I was supposed to. That wasn't me. Each moment is new. I can't force myself to do something tomorrow and I don't have to do something that I planed yesterday. I am always free. I am always powerful.

I want to be aware of my power, not pump myself up. I want to let go of the tension caused by self doubt.

I'm still leading my double life. They don't know that I'm an erotic healer at work. I still think of the job as my source, although I know that God is my source. I still fear finding another job because God might not approve and decide to decrease my income.

I believe I can trust myself as long as I can release this anxiety. In this moment, I can trusts myself. I have power. I am complete . My mission is to serve.

This is a journal entry from Tuesday 9/18/12

I'm trying to discover what I need to be happy at this job. I feel uncomfortable in the cube. Where would I feel empowered? I love hearing the birds and the wind in the trees.

I am always powerful. I am already fulfilled. The key for me is to relax into my power. The key to great ideas that lead to prosperity is having fun, playing.

I need help, but what do I need?

This is a journal entry from Thursday 9/20/12

I followed my plan this morning. When I woke up, I took time to choose what I was going to do. I didn't try to force myself to get up and do anything. I chose to run, and I did. My heart is happy for the exercise.

My issue isn't really freeing myself from my constraining job. It's really about freeing myself from myself. I will not be a captive to decisions I've made  yesterday. I now seek to free myself from my past and future. I can help myself by having some options handy, but I am free to make it up as I go along. What does discipline look like in this case?

Maybe discipline means choosing an activity and following through with that decision no matter what. Do I have the discipline to live in the present moment and be free from past decisions and future fears? Do I have the discipline to allow myself to be free?

I've downloaded a trial version of a video editing software that let's me edit the files that my new hi def camera produces. This should be sufficiently DVD quality to produce a DVD. My goal is to produce one quality DVD that I an use to showcase my skills in all areas of the process.

I just began thinking about an aspiration I had back before I started feeling like I had no time. I wanted to build my own tool for building websites. I wanted to use object oriented PHP. I chose not to reinvent the wheel. It would still be fun, but Google's blogger application has more features. It still needs an access level control.

I'm thinking more now about an educational tool since I'm unhappy with the Yoga of Sex site. So now I have plenty to choose from. How do I keep them in mind without having them weigh on me?

This is a journal entry from Saturday 9/22/12

I have accomplished what I wanted to today. I ran and took the cat for blood work. Now I'm asking what is mine to do for today, without limits. I look within. Maybe I am in silence. Maybe I am shopping. I want to serve. Something needs to be done that I can do today. My goal is to help someone in need. That may mean asking for help.

This is a journal entry from Sunday 9/23/12

I'm slowly moving forward on my Yoga of Sex class and I'm moving forward to make my DVD.

The only place magic exists in the universe is in our hearts and minds.

There is so much more to the world than what I can see and hear. I have infinite potential. Whatever I can conceive is mine in my heart. How can I tap that infinite life within me? It's like I'm uploading myself into a larger reality.

I'm not interested in how to make money. I am interested in learning how to open myself to this divine flow of healing and let it manifest on Earth.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Transcending Work and Violence

This is a journal entry from Sunday 9/9/12

I've been feeling tired. It's hard to distinguish this from depression. I sense a bigger world than the superficial one that most of us focus on. I sense a need to stop taking things so seriously. I also feel powerless in my own life. I sense there are many things I want to do, books to read. There's too much. A billion things seek to grab my attention, but I have the responsibility to throttle what gets in. I create my world. I don't have to feel bad about saying “no.”

I need to make time to feel tired. Resisting exhausts me. When I think of the next thing to do, I feel overwhelmed. Too many things... One more thing... Another blog. Another assignment. Another book to read.

I don't want to waste more time. What then? Move back to the center There is nothing to be done. Everything is perfect now. Fretting about how to use time does not serve me. I let go of external judgment.

I have power. I am ready to own it. I let go of judging myself by the worlds standards. So if I stop looking at it backwards, what is mine to do?

This is a journal entry from Monday 9/10/12

What do I need to do to free myself to live my purpose? Let go of the ideas of a job and how to earn money and discern my work. Instead of wondering about how to support myself, focus on freeing others, sexually. Focus on the right questions like “How can I help free people who don't know they need help?”

I need to stay focused on myself where I can be aware of God's presence. I am the source of meaning for my world. I am always a clean slate. I take time to come back to myself where I can know reality. I am a bubble of awareness. I am the center of all I know. God is greater than anything I can imagine, and I can know that.

My troubles aren't real. I imagine them. I find myself asking the wrong question of “how can I get out of this job?” I created it. “How can I be prosperous.” I create that as automatically as I created my job. I create any amount of money I choose. How about $200,000? How do I make that real? Remember that I give meaning. I create meaning. What does $200k before the end of the year mean for me? It means I understand how to create. It means I can create it again. It means I can attend more than one intensive next year. It means I have time to complete my Yoga of Sex  class. It means I have time to make porn. It means I can relax. $200k isn't much for what it can buy me. Plus I give everything that I receive.

This is a journal entry from Friday 9/14/12

I like the money that I'm making, but this job isn't working out. I will be taking vacation in October. Because of that, I will have no time for Creating Sacred Intimacy, and maybe no time to visit my family next year. The insurance coverage is also lacking.

While I'm exploring how to be more authentic in my life by merging my mainstream corporate aspects with my erotic healing aspects, my current corporate job is depleting me severely. I could look for ways to recover more quickly, and I may do that. But I also would like to find a way to either work fewer hours or have work that supports my mission of erotic healing and wholeness. I may not mind making less money for a while, as I gain experience and clients.

This is a journal entry from Saturday 9/15/12

My job is to see harmony in chaos. It comes back to one fact. In this moment, I am alive. I am experiencing only good. It's gratitude for what's in front of your nose.

It's amazing to me that instigators of violence are having so much impact in my consciousness. Do we wish to quell the violence, or encourage it. When does peace take root?

We live in a multiverse. Each of us carries a universe within them containing all we've ever known and experienced. Our universes overlap. This is where the harmonies and melodies arise.

The violence across the world has caught my attention. I am affected by an inflammatory video. I am offended by the violence it has provoked, but feel peaceful protests are beautiful. I am offended by people who seem to want to perpetuate the violence by refusing to acknowledge that the video is offensive when they defend our rights to make offensive videos. Satan is very pleased with himself.

All of that is within me. It is heartbreak. It is fear. It is disgust. I create all of it. That is my part.

Once during a self pleasuring ritual, I saw that I was standing opposed to those who would control others. I saw people who were afraid of those who pursued pleasure through sex and drugs and other forms of sensuality. They rely on laws and police and intimidation and shame to prevent others from enjoying their sensuality, and I feel opposed to that.

I now recognize that if I sense that in others, it exists within myself. It is duality. Sensuality and spirituality, order and chaos, good and evil. I am both because I am the universe. I am for freedom. I am for God. God seems chaotic as he gives spirit obstacles to outgrow, but he is the growth that overcomes obstacles.

I am whatever I stand opposed to, so I want to oppose nothing.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

My Work, My Job, My Family

I've just about completed another Yoga of Sex assignment recently. Read a little about it on my ADULT blog.

This is a journal entry from Monday 8/20/12

How to nourish myself at work?

I am my own universe, a reflection of God. I have a responsibility to care for myself, for my interior world where the boundaries between interior and exterior blur.

I have been thinking more about Sacred Intimacy. At Healing, I again became concerned that I was inadequate at being a Sacred Intimate, that I didn't have what it takes. I still fear that God has great challenges in front of me, rather than great rewards. I would like to change my attitude to one of expectancy.

I also thought abut the time at Dear Love where my roommate had an overnight guest. I didn't recognize it as a boundary that had been crossed. I didn't perceive it that way even to this year except that the guest felt guilty. Now when I reflect, I wonder if things would have been different if I had been invited into their experience in some way – to be erotically acknowledged. Now, looking back, I recognize that I felt inferior. The needs of others were more important than my needs. I felt out of my league. I don't easily perceive my own power or worth. I have worth. I am valuable.

I appreciate that David is so open to my family. I appreciate that I am taking care of my mouth.

This is a journal entry from Saturday 8/25/12

I'm just trying to survive until my family leaves, but I can do better. I feel tired. I'm trying to psych myself up. Why can't I relax? My family is strangers. I want them gone so I can relax.

I've played a particular role with them so long that I can't relax and let down my shields. I can't relax. I feel defensive and sensitive.

This is a journal entry from Tuesday 8/28/12

I had my first Orgasmic Yoga session in a long time this morning. I felt anticipation as I went into the temple. I hadn't realized how much I missed it. Now I turn my attention to my practice, learning how to develop and maintain the feeling of community I had after Healing. What did I do? Maybe it was enough to be among men focused on healing.

To show appreciation, to receive appreciation, to support and be supported, to remember that what people tell me is about them, to remember that everything I perceive is inside me... I have concerns that “my work” is a joke, because I imagine my partner judging me for calling masturbation work. It's all inside.

Focusing on what is at hand, how do I feel more authentic and empowered at work? How do I transcend circumstances and feel my power in the moment?

This is a journal entry from Sunday 9/2/12

I sense that my mission has to do with the phrase “open-hearted.” That seems to be the gift I bring back from the intensives. My genitals are part of this.

I also sense that who I am in the future is not going to be related to who I am now. It means more that I want to cut myself free of my moorings. I am who I am regardless of how I earn a living. I have a mission to fulfill. I am not ready to jump to some imagined destination. My mission is about the next twenty four hours.

Saturday, August 11, 2012

My Story: Part 3

During Healing, I started to appreciate the story of my life. Normally I feel inadequate. I don't normally see myself as a strong person with a rich and interesting life. The reality is that I've lived during interesting times. I've survived when maybe I shouldn't have.

I can't tell my life's story in a single journal entry. My life so far forms a canvas for my life today. I spent six years in the National Guard as an 11b Infantry Soldier. I drank, did drugs and smoked cigarettes for years before going to a mental institution and joining a twelve step fellowship. I had lots of anonymous sex with men. I became HIV+ and have survived it for the past 21 years. I studied physics at Virginia Tech before dropping out and going to Computer Learning Center to learn electronics and computer repair before getting my bachelor's degree in Computer Information Systems from Strayer College and eventually writing Java software for 16 years. I earn and spend more than my father could have imagined and I was there for his death.

My Story: Part 1
My Story: Part 2

Living Life

This is a journal entry from Saturday 7/7/12

It's tough to slow down, even when you try. If you want to avoid it, there are plenty of distractions. I would like to make time for this. Sitting still is difficult. The hope is that some inspiration will strike and I will accomplish something. That's a distraction, also. I want to be OK sitting still, even if I sit still the rest of my life.

I am whole and complete right now, right here. This is where I want to live my life from.

This is a journal entry from Friday 7/13/12

I almost feel like I pick myself out of one reality and drop it into another. I pick myself up and set myself down where everything is just the way it's supposed to be. This reality is more real than having to work to make money. Working is such a small part of this world. In this world, I have a home and food and sleep. I have power and awareness.

From here, everything else is illusion.

This is a journal entry from Tuesday 7/31/12

I still feel very powerful after Healing, even though the situation around my mother has come up. She had heat exhaustion a couple of days ago and I didn’t find out until last night. She also had a UTI. I suspect this will be a transient episode, but she may not be taking care of herself as well as she needs to. Somehow she’ll need to get herself to rely on her children.

This is a journal entry from Wednesday  8/1/12

Things were better at work than I expected. My enhanced power made things go more smoothly.

This is a journal entry from Wednesday  8/8/12

I'm finding that the small things are becoming important again. At Healing, things seemed right sized. The important things were given attention. After more than a week back, the little annoyances are taking their toll and it's hard to keep perspective.

I think people at those intensives naturally nourish each other. I was fed and I fed others. How do I feed myself? It must be about remembering what is important. Tasks aren't.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Easton Mountain 2012

I recently attended a weeklong intensive at Easton Mountain. There were sunny days, rainy days and opening hearts.

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

I Kissed A Boy in First Grade

September 13, 2008

When I was in first grade, I kissed a boy... On the lips.

It wasn't sexual at all. I had always been open and honest in my few short years on the planet. I had been growing up next to a house full of girls. One of them was my best friend. They were always open with their emotions – and so was I... Until the day in first grade when I kissed a boy.

It was friendship, not freakishness. But I might as well have dropped my pants and done cartwheels from the response of the class. Everyone said “Ewwww...” and asked what I was thinking. I told them that I loved him. I loved my best friend and a little kiss on the lips is how you show you love someone. When girls do it, no one reacts.

I did love that boy, but it obviously wasn't sexual – I had never heard that word. But I learned a vital lesson that day... I wasn't to be trusted. How could I have made such a blunder. My ears burned red with shame. I couldn't be trusted. If my most authentic self could lead me to make such a horrible mistake, then I would have to lock it up. That loving and open part of myself – the most beautiful part of myself – had to be locked up. I couldn't trust my emotions. They lied to me and would make me innocently kiss a boy on the lips in the first grade.

What a burden for a first grader, to learn that he couldn't trust himself. It would be better to  hide and be quiet and not be detected expressing that stupid self that caused so many children in that room so much pain. I caused myself pain in there reaction. I had to control my emotions so that I wouldn't do anything bad again – and stay out of view just in case I slipped up.

What a burden that took all my effort to hide my loving and open nature. What a great weight to carry – and how often people found fault with me anyway. So I learned with each attack and embarrassment to hide what I was. And now...what?...36 years later? I still hide. I still control. I'm good at it now. It keeps me safe from embarrassment. Not really, but it's the best I can do since I kissed a boy in the first grade so many years ago.

I loved my friend, the one that I kissed on the lips. He was my friend until then. On that day, I lost him as a friend. On that day, I lost myself as a friend. How can I love my friend and show him that I love him with a kiss and not lose him as a friend? An innocent kiss? Is even that not allowed?

How can I trust myself if I stop loving myself because of an innocent kiss in the first grade?

Was it a mistake? No! How could it have been? It was an authentic and innocent expression of innocent love. It's not my fault that a few thought it was funny – or shocking. It was true and honest and loving. I have nothing to be ashamed of. It's  not my fault my friend didn't understand it. I acted with the highest light within me. There was no harm in it. Not really.

My poor friend didn't understand the joy I felt giving him an innocent kiss of affection. He felt threatened. It's not his fault. He didn't understand. Others didn't understand either. It's time to forgive myself. There was nothing wrong with the kiss. But it was wrong of me to stop being true to myself. It was wrong of me to pretend that I could control my emotions. It is wrong of me to hide who I truly am today, just as it was then. It's time to forgive myself – not for kissing my best friend on the lips when I was in the first grade, but for failing to consistently express that innocent love ever since. For failing to love myself enough to express myself when there's even a chance that someone might judge it. I lost two friends that day. It's time to make amends with at least one of those two friends again – it's time to be my own fiend again, and support myself in everything I do, and allow myself to make mistakes that embarrass me, and to trust that innocent love within me trying to express itself, and to give myself permission to be truly open, loving, and free.

Friday, July 6, 2012

Sacred Brothel

This is a journal entry from Monday 7/2/12

I'm getting ready for Healing theWounded Healer. I've been thinking about enjoying taking classes more than putting them to use. There are plenty of classes I want to take and to go to the gym, but I don't know how I want to use my skills. I'm tired of trying to fit the most important things into spare time. It leaves me no time to relax. I always feel overwhelmed.

My world is a reflection of who I am. I want to make my world better. Cutting off my nose to spite my face is not a good idea. Instead of leaving the job I don't like, I owe it to myself to find the job I do like. Or I need to learn to like what I'm doing.

May I create a sacred brothel, in consciousness? A new vision.

This is a journal entry from Tuesday 7/3/12

I just caught myself laughing as I was relating a story to someone at work. Progress.

This is a journal entry from Thursday 7/5/12

I thought of the term Sacred Brothel the other day. I'm thinking of the erotic monastery and if that is the right word. I think it is, but I don't want it to be exclusively erotic. It should focus on spiritual growth that incorporates eros as a component.

I notice my desire to study and go to the gym and grow. I still don't feel my mission. At least not clearly.

I imagine the monastery forming around me. This is a retreat from the world into God. Life becomes more austere, simple. The mind becomes clear without the distractions. There is daily study and practice. We learn to live a conscious life. Our hearts connect in ecstasy. The routine tasks of living take on a sacred aspect. We find a balance in life of the physical, the spiritual and the mental/emotional.

I allow my life to become my monastery. What is the vow?

This is a journal entry from Friday 7/6/12

My goal is to not feel so depleted after work. Yesterday, I was angry and frustrated all day. I was exhausted last night, the day after having a day off.

One cornerstone of my spiritual program is taking time to let my mind slow down and relax, to enjoy some time without external stimulation.

I think I could take a job I enjoyed if it meant less money. I don't want the stress of working for myself. But what if I approached it differently? I've been focusing on founding a company to employ myself. What if I changed my focus to harvesting the abundance around me directly? If I could come up with two $50k ideas per year, then I could be self supporting. I am surrounded by opportunity. If I could find a way to do this once, I could do it often.

To find that idea, I need to be relaxed and confident and happy. Then I need to pay attention to opportunities. Then I need to forget the outcome – so I don't pass up opportunities.

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Feeling energy is uncomfortable

This is a journal entry from Thursday 6/7/12

I don't have anything to say right now, nothing planned. But there is something beneath the surface. There is a space within where I am unencumbered by work, where I live because I deserve to live, where I am fed because of what I am. It's a place where I feel powerful being myself. It's a place where I am confident in my ability top provide for myself and my family without compromising my identity. If I move my consciousness to live from that space, my chances for sustaining myself is increased.

My mission is to serve. It's not to make money. I serve first. How can I serve?

I'm looking for activities to help me connect with my power. I'm looking for ways to get with other people, so that I can see myself through their eyes. It was a deep sense of connection that helped me open in the past, with my many lovers. The best way to be loved is to love.

This is a journal entry from Tuesday 6/12/12

On one hand, I want to go to sleep early tonight so that I can run at the gym. On the other, I want to spend more energy cleaning up my life - staying up late if I need to.

I'm not following through with my intentions - or at least some of them. Because of my blood pressure, running to increase my cardiovascular fitness seems very important.

I can focus on what I am accomplishing, getting my teeth fixed, going to the doctor, the sex conference, volunteering at church... But I'm worried about my health.

Sometimes I notice that I'm suppressing my energy. Sometimes it's by relaxing and calming myself down. I think I waste energy doing that. The energy feels uncomfortable? Instead of trying to avoid the energy, how can I learn to allow myself to feel it and express it? This is difficult. I need to learn not to try to calm myself down. I need to follow my instinct before stopping to try to figure out what my instinct is.

I would be more willing to risk homelessness and disease if I wasn't with a partner who shares my life.

I want to get back to trusting God to guide me.

Saturday, June 2, 2012

Learning To See Myself

This is a journal entry from Saturday 5/26/12

I'm looking at a video clip of me from several years ago – riding a dildo on my Harley. I am attracted to what I see. I would like to play with this man, and this man is me.

I'm having trouble seeing myself. I can see the still image of me from the video, but it doesn't feel like me. I don't recognize myself in it, although I like what I see. I can imagine the sensations I see myself experiencing, but I can't see myself.

Sometimes I catch a glimpse and have a flash of recognition. It comes as a surprise, “Oh, that's me. That's what I look like.” I'm pursuing a specific realization that is just out of reach.

This is a journal entry from Thursday 5/31/12

I would really like to complete the Yoga of Sex course. Various things seem to come up to take me away from the work. I still have more than half of the course to go after two years. I don't mind taking it at my own pace, but I often feel at a stand still.

Part of the issue is trying to practice what I've been learning which takes me away from the course itself. I still don't have any clients, but the practice and my desire to make videos is depleting me. So I wonder how long it would take me to complete the course if I wasn't working. How long until I began turning a profit? How do I get insurance before then? Maybe an actual marriage with my partner.

On the topic of seeing myself from the previous entry, I think the thing is that I see who I fee like when I look into the mirror instead of my physical appearance. I've looked at some older pictures of myself, and some newer pictures, and I'm now able to see how the image looks. I'm able to begin seeing my physical form as a stranger. It's like being able to be more objective. I can better see my physical appearance and recognizer that the physical isn't me at all. I'm so much bigger on the inside than on the outside. There's so much that isn't reflected in my physical form.

I don't accept myself as a transvestite. I've spent so long projecting a male image that I can't see myself as a cross dresser, or effeminate. That doesn't mean I am or am not, but only that I don't really know. As I slowly learn to reduce my self-censorship, I'll gradually grow into who I really am.

This is a journal entry from Saturday 6/2/12

I'm having trouble sleeping. I feel close to a revelation or awakening. I'm slowly learning to see myself more objectively. I went to college because I wanted to be a physicist – or so I thought. I actually wanted to be a character from a TV show, an explorer who could make sense of the universe.

I also wanted to do the right thing. I obeyed the rules and worked with teachers. I was smart enough that I wasn't challenged in school, so there was always time to play and watch TV. But I wasn't liked. I had a few friends, but felt like an outcast.

In college, I focused more on parties. I wasn't ready to begin spending time studying. I still wanted to play. Being willing to do drugs expanded my circle of friends. Maybe I could have got the physics degree, but it wasn't what I actually wanted – to be an explorer and servant. I wanted to be told what to do and have the skills to do it, to figure out what was going on, the truth behind the illusion.

I spent so many years trying to go back and get that degree, or something else closer to what I was looking for – but no careers really matched, so I began looking again.

I like sex. I felt passionate pursuing and having sex when I was younger. I wanted to make a career from that. I only felt drawn to that because I felt so repressed when I was young.

Now, I begin to see more clearly. I can see the good in sex and my body, but I don't need to cling to things that aren't true. Sex and my penis are just one part of all that I am. I am much more than that, too. I'm still looking for my own place and not noticing that I AM my own place.