I am greater than my beliefs

I feel very alone. I feel like I'm the only one trying to do what I'm called to do. I post on my blog hoping it will resonate with another kindred spirit.

But there are those who support me and who do work that is like mine. I still feel alone, but that doesn't make sense because I don't believe it's possible to be alone. I'm still afraid of others even though I believe I am in everyone I meet.

I want to see a world where sex workers are honored and sex work is seen as a sacred calling. That is completely contrary to the religion I was raised in. I know these evangelicals who want to take over the government. They're on a mission from God, and I oppose them. I hope they grow in faith so that they are no long threatened by those who believe differently than they do.

I am still deeply conflicted.

Also, I've wondered if the feelings I'm experiencing now are a mid-life crisis. I could see that writing software my whole life and suppressing my personality for decades was deeply unsatisfying. The idea of crusading for sacred sexuality feels inspiring and meaningful. It feels that if I'd stayed on my old path, I might as well be dead.

"It's never too late to be what you might have been" or to be who you truly are.

Evangelical Christianity is like a grain of sand within me that I am gradually turning into a pearl. It will always be uncomfortable. This tension within me is a power. The Christian world view within me is too fundamental to my personality. It drives my belief in what it means to be good: to believe in good, to treat others with respect, to believe in justice and truth. It's just that I believe sex is good while the religion says it's not. I  believe God with literally omnipresent - with me all the time in every situation. My spiritual duty is to learn to use my Faith to perceive that everyone and everything is perfect and good here and now.

I need to let these two world views co-exist within me, the same way light is both a particle and a wave. I am greater than my beliefs. That feels important. I try so hard to understand so that my beliefs are based on Truth, but there is always more to learn. My human mind is limited. I can contain contradictory beliefs that are all true as far as they go. If I lived long enough, the contradictions would vanish into wisdom.

My fear of trusting God reflects the fear of my father as I was growing up. I see things in the world that I don't want to experience and know I could face them at any time. I don't trust God to protect me from them because they may be what I need. That is my human experience.

I tell myself I need to learn to see the good behind my experiences, but I fail to be grateful for all my good experiences. That's the gift living in the present moment offers.

Manifestation of life/love

This is from a journal entry on Saturday, November 5, 2011

I would like to unleash my maximum power today. That means getting out of my own way. I don't want to channel my energy into doing this or that, but to let my energy flow and see where it leads. I want to let my energy flow and then expand that flow.

I believe that each of us is a manifestation of the one underlying life/love which is sacred. I believe this is what is meant when the Bible says we are created in the image and likeness of God. God is the life within me, within all things.

I have already been hit with the idea that there's not enough time. I'm tempted to skip my Orgasmic Yoga practice this morning. I am in a hurry, but being in a hurry is what prevents me from acting.

I believe I exist in the one eternal present moment. I am already complete in this moment. There is nothing to hurry to. I am powerful in this moment. My purpose in this moment is to know and express my sacred power.

What do I believe?

This is from a Journal Entry on Saturday 11/5/2011

I believe that each of us is a manifestation of the One underlying Life/Love which is Sacred. I believe this is what is meant when the Bible says that we are created in the image and likeness of God. God is the life within me, within all things.

This is from a Journal Entry on Monday, 10/31/2011

I have also posted an adult entry: I am a child at play

So. what do I believe? I've begun to see myself as a Sacred Intimate – a sacred prostitute. This is so appealing on so many levels, but I can't give myself to this idea.

If I have been led astray by Satan, how do I find my way back to God? Maybe I am so far gone that there can be no redemption. Maybe when I think I'm worshiping God, I'm actually worshiping Satan. Have I been deceived by the great deceiver? If so, then woe is me. In that case, I will never find my way home because I am easily deceived.

I am not trying to unravel this thought. I need to know if it is true. If I pray for God to lead me home, am I praying to Satan to lead me astray? How can this prodigal son find his way home?

If it is up to me, then I am lost. But my faith is strong. There is nothing beyond God's reach - not even me. I believe that the God of my fathers can and will save me in all situations always.

Since this belief comes from the same place as the one that is afraid I have strayed, it should be neutralized. Never be afraid to investigate a thought that frightens you.

I believe more and more that I am not these thoughts, emotions, sensations or body. I associate with that which perceives these things. I choose what I allow into my consciousness. I can dedicate more attention to improving my inner experience so that I can help others do the same. I can know Truth – that I am how I see the world – and be freed to improve my world inside and out.

On Consciousness

I have a new ADULT blog entry about using the Aneros to explore anal pleasure for men who don't recognize anal stimulation as pleasurable: Aneros Play

This is from a journal entry dated Monday August 8, 2011 - on a flight to attend Erotic Temple at Wildwood:

I was reflecting on trying to explain my perspective on being, and how words either are hard to come by or are completely misleading.

I begin by noticing that everything I perceive, my entire experience of reality happens within this body. That conjures the image of a miniature person sitting inside the brain watching a big screen TV. That's obviously not the case, not even figuratively.

Somehow my experience is the perceiving, and maybe I am this perceiving. After the perception, the experience produces thoughts that I perceive. From theses thoughts, I build an intellectual understanding of the world.

But I am not my understanding, I am the perceiving. I am not my identity, the story I believe about who I am. My consciousness comes and goes and changes from day to day, but I remain unchanged.

I am not my experience, but the experiencing of my experience.

I always need to make a leap at this point. As I have the capacity to perceive, everything in the universe has the same potential. I eat food. The food is incorporated into my body and brain. Does it then gain the ability to perceive or has it always had this ability? Old particles/molecules from my body/brain return to the world. Everything is dynamic and changes, but everything is alive because God is omnipresent - whatever that means to you.

We were never kicked out of the Garden of Eden. We're still there, we just can't perceive it easily with thinking in the way. I am the part of the universe perceiving itself. I am God perceiving God in all the forms I can take. Words fall short - as always.

Death

First off, I've posted a request to my adult blog to engage in some self pleasuring: Love From Within

Next up, I was recently at an intensive focused on the erotic and the sacred. During that week, I considered a statement that I would want communicated after I died. The following is what I came up with:

Your suffering is optional. You may not know this when you are suffering, but it is true. Your pain is real, but suffering is not.

I have come to believe that the universe is loving. I call that love "God." I experience life and grow from that experience, painful or pleasurable. Pain sometimes comes from God, but it coms from a place of love.

Take care of your own consciousness. Focus on what is good and beautiful, and it will grow. Question your negative thoughts and they lose their power. All thought falls short of Truth and is a lie - even this thought. Grow the beauty within you until it spills out and beautifies the world. That's how it works.