This is a journal entry from Monday 8/20/12
How to nourish myself at work?
I am my own universe, a reflection of God. I have a responsibility to care for myself, for my interior world where the boundaries between interior and exterior blur.
I have been thinking more about Sacred Intimacy. At Healing, I again became concerned that I was inadequate at being a Sacred Intimate, that I didn't have what it takes. I still fear that God has great challenges in front of me, rather than great rewards. I would like to change my attitude to one of expectancy.
I also thought abut the time at Dear Love where my roommate had an overnight guest. I didn't recognize it as a boundary that had been crossed. I didn't perceive it that way even to this year except that the guest felt guilty. Now when I reflect, I wonder if things would have been different if I had been invited into their experience in some way – to be erotically acknowledged. Now, looking back, I recognize that I felt inferior. The needs of others were more important than my needs. I felt out of my league. I don't easily perceive my own power or worth. I have worth. I am valuable.
I appreciate that David is so open to my family. I appreciate that I am taking care of my mouth.
This is a journal entry from Saturday 8/25/12
I'm just trying to survive until my family leaves, but I can do better. I feel tired. I'm trying to psych myself up. Why can't I relax? My family is strangers. I want them gone so I can relax.
I've played a particular role with them so long that I can't relax and let down my shields. I can't relax. I feel defensive and sensitive.
This is a journal entry from Tuesday 8/28/12
I had my first Orgasmic Yoga session in a long time this morning. I felt anticipation as I went into the temple. I hadn't realized how much I missed it. Now I turn my attention to my practice, learning how to develop and maintain the feeling of community I had after Healing. What did I do? Maybe it was enough to be among men focused on healing.
To show appreciation, to receive appreciation, to support and be supported, to remember that what people tell me is about them, to remember that everything I perceive is inside me... I have concerns that “my work” is a joke, because I imagine my partner judging me for calling masturbation work. It's all inside.
Focusing on what is at hand, how do I feel more authentic and empowered at work? How do I transcend circumstances and feel my power in the moment?
This is a journal entry from Sunday 9/2/12
I sense that my mission has to do with the phrase “open-hearted.” That seems to be the gift I bring back from the intensives. My genitals are part of this.
I also sense that who I am in the future is not going to be related to who I am now. It means more that I want to cut myself free of my moorings. I am who I am regardless of how I earn a living. I have a mission to fulfill. I am not ready to jump to some imagined destination. My mission is about the next twenty four hours.