Learning To See Myself

This is a journal entry from Saturday 5/26/12

I'm looking at a video clip of me from several years ago – riding a dildo on my Harley. I am attracted to what I see. I would like to play with this man, and this man is me.

I'm having trouble seeing myself. I can see the still image of me from the video, but it doesn't feel like me. I don't recognize myself in it, although I like what I see. I can imagine the sensations I see myself experiencing, but I can't see myself.

Sometimes I catch a glimpse and have a flash of recognition. It comes as a surprise, “Oh, that's me. That's what I look like.” I'm pursuing a specific realization that is just out of reach.

This is a journal entry from Thursday 5/31/12

I would really like to complete the Yoga of Sex course. Various things seem to come up to take me away from the work. I still have more than half of the course to go after two years. I don't mind taking it at my own pace, but I often feel at a stand still.

Part of the issue is trying to practice what I've been learning which takes me away from the course itself. I still don't have any clients, but the practice and my desire to make videos is depleting me. So I wonder how long it would take me to complete the course if I wasn't working. How long until I began turning a profit? How do I get insurance before then? Maybe an actual marriage with my partner.

On the topic of seeing myself from the previous entry, I think the thing is that I see who I fee like when I look into the mirror instead of my physical appearance. I've looked at some older pictures of myself, and some newer pictures, and I'm now able to see how the image looks. I'm able to begin seeing my physical form as a stranger. It's like being able to be more objective. I can better see my physical appearance and recognizer that the physical isn't me at all. I'm so much bigger on the inside than on the outside. There's so much that isn't reflected in my physical form.

I don't accept myself as a transvestite. I've spent so long projecting a male image that I can't see myself as a cross dresser, or effeminate. That doesn't mean I am or am not, but only that I don't really know. As I slowly learn to reduce my self-censorship, I'll gradually grow into who I really am.

This is a journal entry from Saturday 6/2/12

I'm having trouble sleeping. I feel close to a revelation or awakening. I'm slowly learning to see myself more objectively. I went to college because I wanted to be a physicist – or so I thought. I actually wanted to be a character from a TV show, an explorer who could make sense of the universe.

I also wanted to do the right thing. I obeyed the rules and worked with teachers. I was smart enough that I wasn't challenged in school, so there was always time to play and watch TV. But I wasn't liked. I had a few friends, but felt like an outcast.

In college, I focused more on parties. I wasn't ready to begin spending time studying. I still wanted to play. Being willing to do drugs expanded my circle of friends. Maybe I could have got the physics degree, but it wasn't what I actually wanted – to be an explorer and servant. I wanted to be told what to do and have the skills to do it, to figure out what was going on, the truth behind the illusion.

I spent so many years trying to go back and get that degree, or something else closer to what I was looking for – but no careers really matched, so I began looking again.

I like sex. I felt passionate pursuing and having sex when I was younger. I wanted to make a career from that. I only felt drawn to that because I felt so repressed when I was young.

Now, I begin to see more clearly. I can see the good in sex and my body, but I don't need to cling to things that aren't true. Sex and my penis are just one part of all that I am. I am much more than that, too. I'm still looking for my own place and not noticing that I AM my own place.