Sunday, June 24, 2012

Feeling energy is uncomfortable

This is a journal entry from Thursday 6/7/12

I don't have anything to say right now, nothing planned. But there is something beneath the surface. There is a space within where I am unencumbered by work, where I live because I deserve to live, where I am fed because of what I am. It's a place where I feel powerful being myself. It's a place where I am confident in my ability top provide for myself and my family without compromising my identity. If I move my consciousness to live from that space, my chances for sustaining myself is increased.

My mission is to serve. It's not to make money. I serve first. How can I serve?

I'm looking for activities to help me connect with my power. I'm looking for ways to get with other people, so that I can see myself through their eyes. It was a deep sense of connection that helped me open in the past, with my many lovers. The best way to be loved is to love.

This is a journal entry from Tuesday 6/12/12

On one hand, I want to go to sleep early tonight so that I can run at the gym. On the other, I want to spend more energy cleaning up my life - staying up late if I need to.

I'm not following through with my intentions - or at least some of them. Because of my blood pressure, running to increase my cardiovascular fitness seems very important.

I can focus on what I am accomplishing, getting my teeth fixed, going to the doctor, the sex conference, volunteering at church... But I'm worried about my health.

Sometimes I notice that I'm suppressing my energy. Sometimes it's by relaxing and calming myself down. I think I waste energy doing that. The energy feels uncomfortable? Instead of trying to avoid the energy, how can I learn to allow myself to feel it and express it? This is difficult. I need to learn not to try to calm myself down. I need to follow my instinct before stopping to try to figure out what my instinct is.

I would be more willing to risk homelessness and disease if I wasn't with a partner who shares my life.

I want to get back to trusting God to guide me.

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