This is a journal entry from Monday 11/26/12
I intentionally wanted to focus on doing whatever I chose to do in the moment this weekend. I didn't want to focus on accomplishing anything. I still managed to wear myself down on Sunday. I've wanted to rewrite my resume objective in a way that reflected the kind of job I want. It was very slow.
I've got a few names I respect in the area of sexual freedom and a few nonprofit organizations. That is the product of my efforts yesterday. I judge myself for not doing more, but it was real work.
I also hit the desire to get back to the gym.
It occurs to me now that I may want to do some mindless tasks while I'm waiting for inspiration. I don't think it's useful sitting and asking myself what I want. There's no answer. Inspiration comes in its own time. It would also help me feel more productive. “Seeks authentic work with a heart guided company.” “Technology consultant for adult content providers.”
I have a unique ability to earn money. I am able to provide a service that is needed and rare. I've found nonprofit companies. The money I earn can help.
This is a journal entry from Tuesday 11/27/12
I've begun reading The Velvet Rage by Alan Downs. I'm on a section talking about authentic validation. I've talked in the past about not feeling that I could be authentic at work. The book presents the idea that if we're not able to be authentic growing up, we fail to develop a sense of security in being authentic. I went through a long period of not trusting myself and suppressing myself. This book is talking about that.
This is a journal entry from Thursday 11/29/12
I've been avoiding the question. If my company is killing me, how can I stay? Whenever I start to think about this, I think myself in circles. I got no closer to a decision. I've given myself until 12/7.
My underlying fear is that leaving the company won't resolve my problem. I may not be in the right job, but I have a hard time knowing what's the right job.
I'm reading The Velvet Rage and I'm worrying that I'm seeking authentic validation at work. I don't think that's a valid place to look for it. I felt validated as a sex toy as young man. Am I still pursuing that now - trying to turn it into a career? I don't feel shame as I see myself masturbating on x-tube, but I would if my family or co-workers saw it. What does that mean?
This is a journal entry from Friday 11/30/12
It's not the new year yet, but I'm choosing to revisit my mission and vision statements. I want my mission to include mention of serving the greater good, maybe even selfishly serving the greater good. I want to be a custodian of life on Earth, to preserve and protect it. Then I want to help mankind survive as a species. Then I want to help raise the quality of life of those in deep need.
I see myself as part of the fabric of life on this planet. I believe that I can hep with those greater goals by helping those around me find healing. I recognize that I need healing.
My mission is to have a healing influence on all living things around me.
Just a note - there are no journal entries for the week of 12/3 through 12/9. I just didn't write. No worries.