Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Conclusions and Expectations

This is a journal entry from Monday 12/17/12

I was productive this weekend. Presents are wrapped and in the mail. I did some work for work. I felt good about it.

Reading a passage from The Velvet Rage, I remembered feeling ashamed of expressing happiness. I don't feel comfortable laughing. I don't feel comfortable expressing excitement or passion. I really don't feel comfortable expressing any emotions. I think I am ashamed of my feelings.

Of course I do laugh and get angry. I'm focusing right now on allowing myself to feel passion so that I can know what my passions are.

This is a journal entry from Thursday 12/20/12

I'm just about done with my project at work. I could probably leave soon without burning my bridges. I am going to focus on getting back to a regular routine.

I'm thinking about how to transition. While reading The Velvet Rage, I started thinking that there wouldn't be an abrupt change to a new way of life, but whatever I'm moving toward would naturally unfold. I want to be able to be more authentic in my next job, but I've only scratched the surface of my authentic self.

If I go on sabbatical, I need to have a well defined plan and objective so that I don't fall into a spiral of depression.

This is a journal entry from Sunday 12/23/12

I am anticipating trouble and tribulation ahead. I want to change that. My partner's hearing. My HIV. I try to steal myself to endure the physical and emotional pain. I have no way of knowing that those things will occur. I want to find a way to change my expectations so that I stop attracting it.

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