I feel bad that it's been a while since my last blog post, but I've been feeling very busy. I've had my first DVD reproduced and they area ready to start selling online. I've had some dental work. I'm working with clients and another SI. I'm starting to look for another software development position. I wish I had a better grasp on how to handle this growth spurt. :)
This is a journal entry from Monday 9/23/13
Going to Las Vegas is a good way to explore ideas about money. While gambling, I was confronted with ideas about prosperity and about presence. I had a hard time trying to think of any justification for winning. I am already prosperous and winning money wouldn't affect that. It short circuited my ability to make use of the Law Of Attraction.
I was also noticing how hard it is to treat every roll of the dice as the first roll. If it came up a number of times, it felt like it would be less likely to come up again – completely false. The two times I was a dice roller, I lost in ways that took the maximum money from me. If the rollers lost for a while, I couldn't see how they could keep losing. Completely irrelevant. Each moment is the only moment. The past doesn't determine the future. A very valuable spiritual lesson. I only wanted the cash. :)
If I can't move myself to a place of receptivity, it will be hard for me to allow myself to win. In playing, I get more and more nervous as my betting pool shrinks, but in some games – it only takes one roll to win lots of money. I find myself trying to force something to happen through a force of will. The more money I've gambled, the less confident I am of winning.
There's no justification for winning, but there doesn't need to be. I am worthy of prosperity. Money is one aspect of that. If I gain the use of a large amount of money, I could be of greater service and still be able to travel and take care of myself.
It's time to start being true to who I am. Time to live in the present moment and follow my heart. Time to take note of what doesn't serve me and what does.
This is a journal entry from Friday 9/27/13
My old way of life isn't serving me. There are habits and desires that don't really suit me. How can I free myself? The direction to follow is "forward." I don't want to avoid things. I fear using TV or masturbation. I want to find the way forward. I want to write. I want to make videos. I want to do web work.
Part of my calling is to help people get beyond the superficial. I'm convinced most people aren't aware of how rich the world of sexuality is. They think it's about trying new sex acts or different positions. They don't perceive the depth of their sexual world and the power for healing and creativity it offers. They are afraid to look. God has put me on this earth at this time to help them integrate this aspect of themselves.
The world needs open-hearted masculinity. That's what happened to me. My heart was cracked open.
At the same time, I recognize that civilization is at a tipping point. Individuals have vast power unlike anything we have seen in the past. The Earth needs us to take responsibility. It won't be a liberal or conservative future. It will require self-reliance preached by conservatives and compassion preached by liberals. It will require self-interest in preserving and caring for the environment and each other.
I have power. I can create value. My calling is to help people reconcile their sexuality and spirituality. Many believe sexuality lies in a box that must not be opened, so disease festers there. We are a childish species.
This is a journal entry from Saturday 9/28/13
There's much more to Sacred Intimacy than sexuality. For many, sex doesn't even factor in. Erotic touch is a factor for me only because so many people are erotically wounded.
What is the direction for my life? It may be that the direction of my life will only come up as I am presented with choices. Utopia. Beauty. Sustainability. Love. Prosperity. Healing.
Does a spiritual life mean one of austerity? Do I continue working for retirement or retire now? Life is my choosing every moment. My belief activates my faith which creates my perception. I detach.
I'm afraid if I start working again as a software developer, I will again have all of my precious time sucked up and I will neglect my mission. I don't want to be sucked dry.
I want to step back. Instead of trying to decide what to do for myself, I imagine directing someone else to follow my direction. What might that look like?
I might ask if it's possible to turn authenticity into an income, but I believe real prosperity can only come with authenticity. What is easy and effortless for me? Where do I flow?