Self Apology

This is from a journal entry dated 8 October 2009:

I have a sense of how I've been hurting myself and I'm trying to make amends. I'm paying attention to how I feel. I've been ruthless in trying to make myself more productive. I feel tired because I feel so much pressure. I need to heal the rift within myself.

I am sorry. I didn't realize what I was doing. I am worth so much more than the way I've been treated. How can I make it up to myself? Stop being so demanding.

I have pushed so hard when all I wanted to do was curl up and hide. I need to know that I'm doing a good job, that I'm worthwhile.

October '09 Insights

• I'm tired of fighting with myself.
• How wonderful to live completely in the moment. If I'm alive in the moment, then there's nothing to fear for that moment. How do I move past the fear filter? Maybe by noticing it.
• I want to be free.
• I am limited only by my imagination and my creativity.
• I don't need a destination if I've already arrived.
• I already have everything I need to live my purpose.

Things I want:

1. I want time to lay out and relax without focusing on accomplishing anything.
2. I want to find other ways to nourish myself.
3. Everything I do can be according to a broader plan and not simply doing things from a list.
4. I want to eliminate things that don't feed my soul.
5. I want to honor the fact that I've already arrived. I can always continue to grow, but I don't have to accomplish anything else before I'm "ready" or "complete."
6. I want to hire people to do more tedious work so that I can have time to be more creative.
   

• My experience of the world around me occurs completely within me. I believe this inner reality through which I interact with the world (called consciousness) is actually God. If that's true, then I literally experience my existence through God in me. Everyone does.

Power of Meditation

These days, when something makes me angry, I don't attach with it. It passes in a few minutes instead of a few hours or days. I find it easier to do things that would normally make me procrastinate or spend time feeling overwhelmed. Patience is productive.

I think most of my earlier procrastination was actually coming from impatience. Every task seemed like it would take too much time. Now I stop trying to fit so much into my day, but I still move forward.

I finally found a tool that feeds and nourishes my soul. I've been meditating regularly. While I meditate, I train myself to focus on being present in the here and now. I let go of past and future. I become aware of the quiet eternal part of myself that isn't rushed. The more I get in touch with that part of myself, the less my world is rocked by whatever happens. When I am upset, it becomes a tool to help me get in better connection with that quiet part of my soul.

Slowly I begin to believe there's nothing I can't handle.