Spiritual Sexual Community

This is a journal entry from Saturday 4/21/12

I'm doing my best this weekend to connect with my inner commander. It's about honoring my decisions and claiming my authority. It's about having compassion for myself and not criticizing myself for not living up to unrealistic external expectations.

I keep thinking about things I should be doing. I don't want to force myself to do them, but just because I think I should do something doesn't mean I shouldn't.

I am not in control, but I am in command, even if I don't want command. No one else is in charge of me, but I don't want responsibility for my mistakes. We are born to make mistakes. We can't learn to do new things without mistakes.

I don't know how to take the pressure off. I feel like most anything I do is an escape that prevents me from seeing what's keeping me from relaxing. I can escape, but the underlying problem will remain.

I want a clean office, but I don't want to clean it. I see a ton of things I need to get done. Thinking about it makes me feel tired, so I avoid it and it gets bigger. There's a feeling I have to continuously push and that is what I am rebelling against. I'm tired. I can't keep pushing. That is the problem I don't want to face.

I'm tired. I can't keep pushing, but I need to keep pushing. But I'm tired.

Pushing is making me tired. I know I need to stop pushing. It's an ingrained habit. How do I break it? Not by escaping it. Commander, what do I do?

The thought that I need to keep pushing feels like the one that's not correct. It's a false belief. When the magic is strongest is when my power flows freely without pushing.

But I feel impatient. The energy doesn't flow, so I push. I can't force the flow, either. I need to pay attention and support the flow when it's there, but I can't force it. Maybe I can't even encourage it which is what my ego says to do. The flow stops if you're looking for it.

So, stop pushing and don't look for the flow. When I feel the flow, follow it and don't impede it.

This is a journal entry from Sunday 4/22/12

I found motivation to get things done yesterday. I bought a cocktail dress from Ross, some comic books from the comic book store, and some mulch to help some grass to grow. I washed and cleaned the jeep. Today, I cleaned up the den for a guest who's arriving in a few weeks.

These are not things that I would have thought were top priority, but it was what called to me.

I didn't have much human interaction this weekend.

I miss having people in my life that I had during my time in twelve step programs. A support group helped me develop and maintain my spirituality. I don't want to lose myself in a group, but some people who share my priorities and encourage me. I want people to laugh with.

Does a group exist that I can join? Can I create the group I want? What am I looking for in my group?

I like the twelve step format, but we don't have twelve steps. I'm thinking maybe a chance to share our spiritual programs, share trouble spots that we want to overcome.

This is a journal entry from Monday 4/23/12

A spiritual support group would be good, but I'm thinking about the camaraderie that existed between people. Conversation and coffee before and after meetings. It's not always deep and profound. It seemed to me to work because there was a regular get together of like minded people. It's easier than scheduling a coffee date because it just happened. I'm back to needing a community, a support group. I want sex and spirituality to be a part of the conversation. These can be tough topics to start, so there should be some way to facilitate it. It should be practical and useful

I saw a TED talk on vulnerability. There is a need to be vulnerable if you want to live an authentic fulfilled life. It means sharing who you are without the mask and risking rejection in order to connect with those who won't reject you. I want to go back and make some notes about it as there were some characteristics that are important I'd like to learn.

Maybe it was that people who are most happy and fulfilled pursue vulnerability as a way to find there authenticity. Again it feels like it's time to come out of the closet as a sex positive being.

It feels like I'm creating a new theology. There is only one God, regardless of your beliefs about him. Christian, Jewish, Islamic,... One and the same God. We all worship differently. One spirit. Science is a religion, too. It becomes a religion when you extrapolate beyond the scientific method to claim it is the greatest truth, but I digress.

I want to get together on a regular basis with people who want to explore and share their sexual/spiritual journey.

This is a journal entry from Tuesday 5/1/12

My partner is on his way to New York. I am on my way back to Austin. I look forward to seeing him again.

I need more people in my life. More lovers. My perspective is changing and I need help to preserve that. My consciousness is moving from a place of valuing money to valuing service. If everyone gave selflessly, why would we need money? I don't need.

It seems hard to open my heart. I felt it at Dear Love. So sad and sweet. When do I find joy? Maybe when I let go of my addiction to "sad and sweet," when I let go of my addiction to "life is hard." It's time to stop pushing and start flying

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I want to see to my spiritual program. I want something heart centered and disciplined, probably involving self pleasuring. I want something that helps me live in the present and trust that it is good. I could focus on the awareness of the unity of all life, but I'm not ready to surrender the idea of a benevolent spirit that guides and creates us. I may reach the point where these are equivalent, but I'm not there yet. I like the way twelve step programs allow for sharing of experience strength and hope. I need some fellow sex monks.

I am greater than my beliefs

I feel very alone. I feel like I'm the only one trying to do what I'm called to do. I post on my blog hoping it will resonate with another kindred spirit.

But there are those who support me and who do work that is like mine. I still feel alone, but that doesn't make sense because I don't believe it's possible to be alone. I'm still afraid of others even though I believe I am in everyone I meet.

I want to see a world where sex workers are honored and sex work is seen as a sacred calling. That is completely contrary to the religion I was raised in. I know these evangelicals who want to take over the government. They're on a mission from God, and I oppose them. I hope they grow in faith so that they are no long threatened by those who believe differently than they do.

I am still deeply conflicted.

Also, I've wondered if the feelings I'm experiencing now are a mid-life crisis. I could see that writing software my whole life and suppressing my personality for decades was deeply unsatisfying. The idea of crusading for sacred sexuality feels inspiring and meaningful. It feels that if I'd stayed on my old path, I might as well be dead.

"It's never too late to be what you might have been" or to be who you truly are.

Evangelical Christianity is like a grain of sand within me that I am gradually turning into a pearl. It will always be uncomfortable. This tension within me is a power. The Christian world view within me is too fundamental to my personality. It drives my belief in what it means to be good: to believe in good, to treat others with respect, to believe in justice and truth. It's just that I believe sex is good while the religion says it's not. I  believe God with literally omnipresent - with me all the time in every situation. My spiritual duty is to learn to use my Faith to perceive that everyone and everything is perfect and good here and now.

I need to let these two world views co-exist within me, the same way light is both a particle and a wave. I am greater than my beliefs. That feels important. I try so hard to understand so that my beliefs are based on Truth, but there is always more to learn. My human mind is limited. I can contain contradictory beliefs that are all true as far as they go. If I lived long enough, the contradictions would vanish into wisdom.

My fear of trusting God reflects the fear of my father as I was growing up. I see things in the world that I don't want to experience and know I could face them at any time. I don't trust God to protect me from them because they may be what I need. That is my human experience.

I tell myself I need to learn to see the good behind my experiences, but I fail to be grateful for all my good experiences. That's the gift living in the present moment offers.

Porn Prayer

God, we thank you for this beautiful day and for the opportunity to serve you. We ask that you would be with us today as we celebrate your gift of sexuality for all to see. We pray that our gift of sexual exhibition will inspire those who watch to embrace and accept their own sexual desires. We ask that you soften the hearts of those who judge us and help them to see that our unique gift comes from you and through us in our videos. We also ask that you would protect those who are not yet mature from viewing this material.

Relax. Right now, everything is OK just the way it is

How can I believe that everything is going to be alright?

• I believe the underlying principle that brought life into existence will continue.
• While I believe in free will, I also believe that there is a divine plan for my life - for everyone's life.
• I believe we are naturally drawn to our path, but that ego leads us off the path. I feel driven by ego and off the path.
• I believe the only part of myself that feels threatened by life is my ego. It's what feels disrespected in traffic. It is what responds to anger with anger.
• I believe I can take it down a notch. Everything is not critical. Everything is OK just the way it is. Life is a transition. Nothing remains the same.

Up until this point, my life has felt heavy. Life has felt jagged and unsafe - compared to having all my needs met as a child. I have abhorred expressing emotion, but the only emotions I can suppress are happy ones. So I often experience fear, anger and sadness.
I want to believe this is not my natural state, but that it is something I can release to uncover myself. I want to believe that I can experience life and feel safe and express joy.

• I am not my thoughts. I am not my ego.
• Only my ego feels overwhelmed.
• Only my ego feels threatened.
• Only my ego feels disrespected.
• Only my ego feels fear.
• Only my ego feels anger.

My primary concern is letting go of this stress and knowing that everything is OK just the way it is.
Just because everything is OK doesn't mean that I have to stop. I continue stepping forward and with each step, it's still OK.
Step 1: Learn to be comfortable expressing happiness and excitement.

Authenticity

Rex Harley is not my real name.

How can I talk about authenticity when I'm using a false name? I am not authentic. I'm on a path to being more authentic.

If I were to use my real name, I could lose my primary source of income as a Java/Web developer. In my day-to-day life, I avoid talking about my passions for fear of offending someone or losing my job. While the U.S. is more accepting today than it has been in the past, people judge you severely for expressing your sexuality if it doesn't match an artificial (and false) normality. This is tragic because none of us meet this mystical magical "normal" that people talk about. Just ask Alfred Kinsey.

So no, I'm not authentic today. But I am on a path to authenticity. My consciousness is focused on finding income streams that will not be threatened by my sexuality or spirituality. I'm feeling my way forward and trying to slowly be a bit more authentic with each passing day. Always strive to make progress.

We all have sexual desires that we consider unusual or even abnormal. Take a look at Mark Foley, Ted Haggard, or Larry Craig (Badmouth.net). They weren't actually abnormal, but just dishonest. If these men had found a way to be honest with themselves, they might be happy. Hopefully they wouldn't be doing as much damage to our individual liberties. They insisted that others suppress themselves only so that they could shield themselves from their own desires.

So try to make peace with who you are and with your human desires. Find how to integrate your sexuality with your spirituality. Take it one day at a time. The Internet gives us a great way to find others we can work with to explore our desires without threatening our livelihoods, but let this be a doorway. Bit by bit, form a network of mutual support. None of your desires are evil. Of course don't harm anyone or expose anyone too young to adult topics.

Rex Harley is my authentic self. I am building this life to reflect who I truly am. Someday when it's safe and I can support myself financially, I plan on stepping into that life. I may lose some important people in my life, but I'll be authentic and unafraid.