Feeling energy is uncomfortable

This is a journal entry from Thursday 6/7/12

I don't have anything to say right now, nothing planned. But there is something beneath the surface. There is a space within where I am unencumbered by work, where I live because I deserve to live, where I am fed because of what I am. It's a place where I feel powerful being myself. It's a place where I am confident in my ability top provide for myself and my family without compromising my identity. If I move my consciousness to live from that space, my chances for sustaining myself is increased.

My mission is to serve. It's not to make money. I serve first. How can I serve?

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I'm looking for activities to help me connect with my power. I'm looking for ways to get with other people, so that I can see myself through their eyes. It was a deep sense of connection that helped me open in the past, with my many lovers. The best way to be loved is to love.

This is a journal entry from Tuesday 6/12/12

On one hand, I want to go to sleep early tonight so that I can run at the gym. On the other, I want to spend more energy cleaning up my life - staying up late if I need to.

I'm not following through with my intentions - or at least some of them. Because of my blood pressure, running to increase my cardiovascular fitness seems very important.

I can focus on what I am accomplishing, getting my teeth fixed, going to the doctor, the sex conference, volunteering at church... But I'm worried about my health.

Sometimes I notice that I'm suppressing my energy. Sometimes it's by relaxing and calming myself down. I think I waste energy doing that. The energy feels uncomfortable? Instead of trying to avoid the energy, how can I learn to allow myself to feel it and express it? This is difficult. I need to learn not to try to calm myself down. I need to follow my instinct before stopping to try to figure out what my instinct is.

I would be more willing to risk homelessness and disease if I wasn't with a partner who shares my life.

I want to get back to trusting God to guide me.

Learning To See Myself

This is a journal entry from Saturday 5/26/12

I'm looking at a video clip of me from several years ago – riding a dildo on my Harley. I am attracted to what I see. I would like to play with this man, and this man is me.

I'm having trouble seeing myself. I can see the still image of me from the video, but it doesn't feel like me. I don't recognize myself in it, although I like what I see. I can imagine the sensations I see myself experiencing, but I can't see myself.

Sometimes I catch a glimpse and have a flash of recognition. It comes as a surprise, “Oh, that's me. That's what I look like.” I'm pursuing a specific realization that is just out of reach.

This is a journal entry from Thursday 5/31/12

I would really like to complete the Yoga of Sex course. Various things seem to come up to take me away from the work. I still have more than half of the course to go after two years. I don't mind taking it at my own pace, but I often feel at a stand still.

Part of the issue is trying to practice what I've been learning which takes me away from the course itself. I still don't have any clients, but the practice and my desire to make videos is depleting me. So I wonder how long it would take me to complete the course if I wasn't working. How long until I began turning a profit? How do I get insurance before then? Maybe an actual marriage with my partner.

On the topic of seeing myself from the previous entry, I think the thing is that I see who I fee like when I look into the mirror instead of my physical appearance. I've looked at some older pictures of myself, and some newer pictures, and I'm now able to see how the image looks. I'm able to begin seeing my physical form as a stranger. It's like being able to be more objective. I can better see my physical appearance and recognizer that the physical isn't me at all. I'm so much bigger on the inside than on the outside. There's so much that isn't reflected in my physical form.

I don't accept myself as a transvestite. I've spent so long projecting a male image that I can't see myself as a cross dresser, or effeminate. That doesn't mean I am or am not, but only that I don't really know. As I slowly learn to reduce my self-censorship, I'll gradually grow into who I really am.

This is a journal entry from Saturday 6/2/12

I'm having trouble sleeping. I feel close to a revelation or awakening. I'm slowly learning to see myself more objectively. I went to college because I wanted to be a physicist – or so I thought. I actually wanted to be a character from a TV show, an explorer who could make sense of the universe.

I also wanted to do the right thing. I obeyed the rules and worked with teachers. I was smart enough that I wasn't challenged in school, so there was always time to play and watch TV. But I wasn't liked. I had a few friends, but felt like an outcast.

In college, I focused more on parties. I wasn't ready to begin spending time studying. I still wanted to play. Being willing to do drugs expanded my circle of friends. Maybe I could have got the physics degree, but it wasn't what I actually wanted – to be an explorer and servant. I wanted to be told what to do and have the skills to do it, to figure out what was going on, the truth behind the illusion.

I spent so many years trying to go back and get that degree, or something else closer to what I was looking for – but no careers really matched, so I began looking again.

I like sex. I felt passionate pursuing and having sex when I was younger. I wanted to make a career from that. I only felt drawn to that because I felt so repressed when I was young.

Now, I begin to see more clearly. I can see the good in sex and my body, but I don't need to cling to things that aren't true. Sex and my penis are just one part of all that I am. I am much more than that, too. I'm still looking for my own place and not noticing that I AM my own place.

An Invitation

If you've visited my blog lately, you'll see that I'm putting together my own personal spiritual program. I have no interest in evangelizing a new spiritual path, but of having something that meets my needs and fosters my personal growth.

One piece of my program is community. I have a background with twelve step fellowships, but I no longer satisfy the only requirement for membership. So I no longer attend. Not having that community of souls on a spiritual path has left a hole in my life.

To make a long story short, I would like to be part of a group that meets once per week to share their experience, strength, and hope with each other. I want to share my experiences on my path and hear about others and their path. I imagine it would look like a heart circle where each person could speak without interruption or cross talk. We could say whatever we needed. It wouldn't be limited to talking about our spiritual path. This isn't to critique the choices of others or to make suggestions - just to share.

Depending on who's interested, we could find a central location convenient to all or meet online in a video conference. We could meet in my home or a coffee shop somewhere. Does this idea interest anyone? When I came down from the mountain after Dear Love of Comrades, I had a sense of a greater reality that was more real than our day to day world. I was changed. I want to learn how to carry that consciousness on a regular basis and I need help from my brothers to do that.