This is a journal entry from Friday 5/4/12
I'm thinking about my spiritual program. Eros is part of it. Community is part of it. Faith and trust is part of it.
In any given moment, I want to be able to have a sense of the loving presence of God. I want to let go of my resistance to what is. Byron Katie's “The Work” can help me here. So can writing about my faith, what I believe in the moment.
God is present here and now. I Am in God. God is breathing me. God is in me. I Am one in God.
When I am in the presence of other people, I shrink. I retract. I adapt a defensive posture. I can't hear my thoughts as my focus turns outward. I become quiet and others take center stage. I become the invisible observer. I don't see myself as part of the scene. I sense that I need a different perspective, one where I am present in the scene – a participant. What does that look like? How will God help me integrate myself in the lives of others? I ask God to clear my vision, knowing he has answered my prayer before I asked.
My goal is to know Truth and to live Truth.
- Right now, I believe the life in me is the same life in you, we are one. I call this one life force God. Since I am this life and not this body, I cannot die. I live on as life itself.
- Right now, I believe that my consciousness is more real than the physical world I perceive myself to live in. I am spirit, not matter. Reality is subjective, not objective. I believe anything that causes me distress in the world is actually an aspect of myself.
- My consciousness encapsulates me and my experience through this body. Only my subjective reactions can disturb me, nothing outside me can do that. It's not what you think of me that I'm afraid of, it's what you show me I think of myself.
- Right now, I believe matter itself is consciousness. I am conscious and I am made of matter, so all matter has this capacity. I don't know what that means, but it may be what binds us together in God.
The ultimate goal is to open my heart. I want to experience the awareness I had after Dear Love of Comrades. I was open and confident. I had the sense that the community on the top of the mountain was more real than my day to day world. I am loved and appreciated.
I've been under the impression that if I learn to love myself, I will naturally love others. But I feel that if I'm not contributing to something greater than myself, then I'm just being selfish. I need to remember that I have inherent value. At the same time, I feel a need to serve. How?
This is a journal entry from Saturday 5/5/12
I'm not looking for a new theology,I just want a spiritual program that meets my needs. For the longest time, I've wanted certainty that I had it right. I try desperately to stamp out any doubt and express more faith. Now I can see what I most want is what I most need to avoid. I want to remain teachable and open to Truth. I don't want to find myself rejecting Truth in the future because I didn't recognize it as “my” truth.
God is benevolent – as is Life. The intelligence of the universe is God. The life of the universe is God. God is Love. I don't believe God set the universe in action and then disappeared. I believe God is present and active in every moment. God is the life in my body. God breaths me. As long as God exists, I exist. Matter and spirit come together in the universe. Matter and energy. Male and female. One and the same. Duality and unity.
My job in the near term is to identify thoughts that make me feel that life is anything less than perfect and apply Byron Katie's “The Work” to them. I want to practice awareness of the One Life of the universe that I call God through meditation and self-pleasure and meditative self-pleasure. I will go to church.
This is a journal entry from Monday 5/7/12
I don't want to go back to work. I want to take care of myself. I feel tired. I want to make videos. I don't want another job. that would take time away from my work also. I want a benefactor. I want to be free of the need to waste time when there is so much to do.
Thinking of going back in makes me want to cry. How can this be right. There's nothing wrong with this job. I'm not being pushed or threatened. It's not too difficult. My inner child is throwing a tantrum. I just don't want to go back in. I don't want to be told what to do. I want to be free to create.
Presence, exploration, expression, service.