This is a journal entry from Tuesday 11/20/12
I've got a nice problem that is making me feel awful. I am eligible to do some interviewing for a company that would let me relocate to Southern California. Unfortunately, I don't give myself good odds on getting the job. And it's a job doing what I've been doing. And it would mean a tough interview process. This is all making me feel stressed.
Even if I didn't get the job, it could be a nice way to get polished up on my skills and practice interviewing. It would mean shifting my priorities again. I'm dreading this, but it's a good thing to have this opportunity.
I want to arrange the circumstances of my life. If I want to become a sex educator, healer, whatever..., I need to first make my life conducive to that idea. I need to provide space for it to manifest.
I'm actually thinking beyond that. I'm in complex territory. There are many people on Earth. We have food to feed everyone, but not everyone is fed. We have talents and skills, but fewer and fewer places to exercise them. The company I work for wouldn't be profitable. It would serve those who have no money. It would feed them emotionally, physically and spiritually. It would challenge them to use their skills in the service of others.
We need to build the modern equivalents of tribes. What is easier to afford? Five homes with two people in each? Or one house with ten people working together in community, sharing resources and skills? The community supports it's members. The members support their community.
I want to explore my values since one of my goals is to work for a company that shares my values. What does that mean to me? It means having goals other than profits. It means holding to ideals of respect and equality and working for the common good. Mostly working for the common good.
Stop jailing people who give and receive physical pleasure. Evolve sexually - be an adult and stop thinking of sex as a titillating joke.
Empower people to find meaning in their lives.
This is a journal entry from Thursday 11/22/12
Maybe I can be God's sidekick. I'm still looking for values - my values. Every time I think of values, I think of Star Trek. Honor, Duty. Helping people in trouble. Treating everyone with respect.
Who is doing work that I believe in? Joseph Kramer? The Dalai Lama, Unity? Who is solving global warming? Hunger? Poverty? Depression? Who is empowering people?
Slow down. I'm looking for fast answers. It always comes back to slowing down.
I've already got a map of what I think I'd like to do. I still don't trust it. I'm afraid of losing everything.
This is a journal entry from Friday 11/23/12
I'm tired of feeling split. The part of myself that I most identify with is the part I'm not sharing with most people. Making sex public. This is what I enjoy. But as long as I don't feel comfortable with the idea of anyone knowing about this part of myself, I am trapped, bound, in the closet.
It's important to recognize that the people I feel I can't be myself with are a part of me. It's none of my business what others think of me. I'm actually afraid of how I feel about myself. That's tough.
I think this bout of self doubt came on because of a dream I had of the man who demonstrated freedom to me. He did what he wanted with no apologies. I was deeply in the closet then. He taught me by being authentic.
I have not thought of him recently. This dream came out of the blue. It makes me wonder if he died.
I don't know if he would understand who I am now. I imagine he could be violent. On some level, he must have known. The point is, I learned how to hide and now I don't know how not to. I sense that some people always say what's on their mind, like my sister.
I can conceive that I am exhibitionist because it's a way to be open and authentic without sharing it with people I don't want to know. Maybe I'm more and more extremely open in some areas because I still feel so constrained in others.
So, how can I feel more authentic with people who think they know me, but have only scratched the surface? I don't need them to see me in an erotic video. That's not the point. The point is that I don't feel like I can be myself. There's nothing in particular that I want to say or do, but how I feel during any given interaction. It's all in my consciousness.
What is it that I'm thinking that makes me put the feelings of other people above my own? Fear. And why? Is it that I don't respect myself? I feel other people's beliefs are more valid than mine. This stretches back to school when I was harassed and excluded. People told me I should feel less than. I think that's where it began.
I feel a need to let go. I want to be able to step away and relax. No pressure at all. I imagine what it would be like to let go of striving to create the life I desire. Would I begin to enjoy the life I have?
This is a journal entry from Sunday 11/25/12
I don't feel compelled to leave my company until they tell me I can't attend Sacred Intimacy Training because I don't have vacation time. In December, I will evaluate leaving.
On the other hand, I'm still being pursued by companies that aren't interesting to me. So how can I rework my resume to appeal to companies I want to work for doing what I want to do? What if I didn't have to settle for less money?
I feel inspired to jump out of the mainstream. I need to develop a track record.