Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Setting My Own Priorities

I can't believe I haven't posted in such a long time. Leaving my old job hasn't given me as much free time as I'd like.

This is a journal entry from Tuesday 4/9/13

After today, I have three more days working here. I want to be ecstatically happy, but I am nervous for a couple of reasons. Working here has given me a nearly continuous stream of frustration. It has driven my writing in this journal and has pushed me to reach for something else. Without that pressure, will I continue to make progress?

I'm nervous about living off my savings and am worried about getting a new job while unemployed and with a gap on my resume.

If I get used to a more leisurely pace of life, will I be able to adapt to working again when this is over?

It's going to take some time for me to release this pressure, to slow down and let go of the anxiety.

Alternatively, this is a chance to experience my reality. I've had plenty of ideas and desires before that have turned from concept to reality. I missed a chance to be in a video for Butt Machine Boys. When someone responds to my escort ads, I wonder if they're bashers or police. I have in my head that if I head off down a spiritual path, it will lead to trials and tribulation, pain. Why wouldn't it be miraculous and full of joy? Can I release the expectations altogether and trust the universe to do the right thing? Will I fly or will I crash?

This is a journal entry from Sunday 4/14/13

I want to unlock my potential. What can I do with that? It means flowing effortlessly. I'm attracted to the idea of sex work, but I don't believe I can do it for a living. I need some value add, so I focus on Sacred Intimacy and sexual healing.

Few people understand Sacred Intimacy, so I recognize that there is a need for education. I need to be able to communicate what I can offer as a Sacred Intimate.

I also want to build erotic community. Sex Is the great leveler. I've had sex with many men without even knowing their names, much less who they were. I can imagine two different personalities using sex to bridge their differences when disagreements arise.

This is a journal entry from Monday 4/15/13

I got a call last night about the anthology. They want another revision. It's hard to get past the review board with the sex and drugs. Since I am not working today, I have time to come up with a revision. I will try to rewrite it so that a young child could read it. That's apparently what they want.

One of my goals is to reach those who need this understanding where they are. The objections I hear are the same ones I wish to heal in the broader world. There's no common language. Communication is difficult. People are reading things into my story that I'm not saying. The complaints I hear tell me more about them than about my writing.

This is a journal entry from Tuesday 4/16/13

What is my intention for Sacred Intimacy Training? Several years ago, I was becoming unhappy with my job as a software developer. My pay hit a wall. I was overwhelmed keeping up, much less improving my skills. I was more and more unhappy and depleted.

I wanted to find my passion, and that was sex. I've done photo shoots before and always wanted to do porn videos. Many years ago, I considered having sex for money. It was something I enjoyed. It It would be fun to make money doing it. I never found a way to do it safely. I didn't know how to find clients. I wasn't emotionally prepared.

So I decided I wanted to have an adult oriented career. I wanted to make and be in videos. I wanted to be a sex worker. Since I began exploring these ideas, my ideas have changed and I am more confused than ever. I don't think I have the body to do regular sex work and make a reasonable living. I believe that being a Sacred Intimate would give my brand more value. I'm exploring writing and making educational erotic videos. I see advocating for sexual freedom. I have turned the idea of a nonprofit contribution based service that could minister to those that need healing where erotic energy is the healing modality. There is such a deep need. I also want to work to bring an appreciation for eros to the modern world. At the moment, there is not really a good context for these conversations in the world of science - where mind take precedence over the body, or in religion where the body is considered tainted by original sin. In pop culture, sex means power for men and objectification for women. There is no place to see the innocence of sex or the sacredness of sex.

This is a journal entry from Wednesday 4/17/13

My intention for this time away from work is to re-create the sense of life I had at the end of Dear Love. I want a way to live that in this world. I want to be able to be open.

I want to be outside more. I want a life that might be seen in a monastery, with exercises to grow the mind and body. I don't think I quit work because I was doing something I didn't want to do, but because I wasn't doing what I wanted to do.

I never had time to make videos, to study sex and spirit, to build community. The deck was stacked against me. I would become caught up at work. I stopped going to the gym. After my hospital visit, I wasn't even doing orgasmic yoga.

For the first time this week, I'm sitting outside to have my coffee. I'm looking for the balance of meditation, orgasmic yoga, and running this morning.

This is a journal entry from Thursday 4/18/13

I dropped the Jeep off for an oil change and regular maintenance this morning. I'm at the coffee shop. The housekeeper is cleaning today, so I need to stay away, but I'm not sure how long.

I don't feel like being here. It was cold and rainy today. My feet are a little wet and cold. I'm ready for a nap.

I'm thinking again about my intention for the Sacred Intimacy Training, but I'm still thinking of it in a broader sense. I'm trying to sense what my life could be if I stepped out of the context of my life today, if I was unlimited.

At this moment, my life is mine to live. I am empowered. When I came back from Dear Love, I found a new freedom. Now, I am looking for a different kind of freedom. I am looking for freedom from self doubt. I don't want to feel pressure to jump from one thing to the nest, but I also don't want to spend so much time weighing what I ought to do. The key may be taking time. Don't rush any task and take time between tasks. Then maybe it will be easier to act decisively without reservations.

This is a journal entry from Sunday 4/21/13

I went to the church's men's retreat this weekend. There was more one-on-one sharing than in the past. There was more encouragement to go deeper. It was like Body Electric without the erotic component. I'm still getting used to being around mostly straight men in these settings. I feel much safer in homoerotic contexts, but know that my presence enriches the experience of straight men.

“I rest in God.”

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