Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Adapting and Beginning

This is a journal entry from Monday 4/22/13

Having certain understandings about what I am doesn't make any difference if it doesn't help me overcome myself. On the one hand, I can see and understand that my experience of the world is within me – including everyone I come into contact with. If I still fear them, then what difference does it make?

I've learned many things. If someone reacts to me in a negative way, it has to do with them and not me. My reaction to their reaction is about me. I tend to expect negative reactions based on my snap judgments and assumptions. I've expected negative reactions even when I haven't seen any in a long time. And someone disagreeing with me is not a negative reaction in itself.

I've been to two men's retreats with the church and I've been fearful at each that I wouldn't be accepted, that I would be judged. Both times, I've ended up feeling generally accepted and got some healing from the negative masculine energy that harmed me growing up.

I want to overcome my fear of people. I want to be able to be authentic and express myself freely. I live in fear of being judged.

What I would like to do is do some affirmation and visualization work on my life. I've had trouble knowing what I really want, so the first thing I may want to do is work on knowing what I want.

This is a journal entry from Wednesday 4/24/13

I'm working on my routine. How do I want to spend my day? I want to foster the feeling I had at the end of Dear Love, with a sense of sacred perfection in the universe.

I'm discovering how valuable community is. I've been looking for meaning in my life. At least part of that comes from having your very existence valued and affirmed in community. It's something to foster.

This is a journal entry from Thursday 4/25/13

It's hard sitting between jobs. I feel like I need to do something. I have plenty to do and am trying to avoid being rushed – or at least avoid rushing. At night I wonder if I've made a mistake and how long I can last.

It still feels like time is precious. Ho do I get everything done? How do I do anything?

What is my intention? I return to the mountaintop. I encounter the divine. I open myself to new habits. I take time to be outside and see the sky and hear the birds. I take time to touch myself intentionally, mindfully. I open myself to opening myself, to opening my heart.

When I was a young child, I had a nightmare. I don't remember all the details. I was a Mexican child in a house. Maybe my mother was there. It becomes a nightmare when someone dangerous and angry shows up. I don't remember if he was a monster, an intruder, or my father. I hid behind a wall and prayed for help. At the last minute, a red dot appeared and made the house disappear and I was left standing on gravel. I said “Gracious SeƱor.” Then I woke up.

This is a journal entry from Friday 4/26/13

For the next month, my priorities are the DVD, preparing for Sacred Intimacy Training, reading and working with Work Less, Make More, and working on my Yoga of Sex class. But I'm also going to be visiting my family for a couple of weeks. During that time, I won't be able to make progress on some activities, but I might make progress on others. So until the trip, I'm going to work on things that I can't work on during the trip. Primarily that's the DVD.

I'm going to review the three scenes I recorded and take some notes. Then I'll record one more scene where I explain the DVD and what I would like people to take away. I'll also record a tutorial on Erotic Massage Dancing. I'll be preparing to record these scenes during the next week and ask my partner to help me record the scenes next weekend. That sounds like a plan.

Today, I hope to do my orgasmic yoga session and go to the gym for a run. Then I can pack for the trip to the DC camp-out. I hope to do something so I can view my DVD scenes on my laptop so I can review it while I'm there.

Journal entries from Saturday and Sunday, 4/27/13 and 4/28/13

I wasn't able to post the journal entries here from 4/27 and 4/28 because of their adult nature. To take a look, visit my adult blog.

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