Thursday, June 20, 2013

Dragonfly, Big Picture, Dreams

This is a journal entry from Monday 6/3/13

I remind myself that the point isn't to get a list of things done, or to see how many things I can get done. The point is to live a meaningful life. My life is mine to create. Meaning is mine to find. I am more than I know myself to be.

I find it hard to focus on the big picture. I start working on what's in front of me, clearing underbrush when my goal is to cut a path through a jungle. There is a place for me, but right now I'm trapped within myself. All the blocks I experience are within me.

I really don't know what the big picture is yet, what my big picture is. That's what I'm exploring. I'm going to put together a new prosperity map. I want to dive deep to find meaningful and relevant images.

This is a journal entry from Monday 6/10/13

What is the big picture today? It always comes down to love, but I habitually forget about love.

Dragonfly keeps visiting me. My partner said they called them witch doctors when he was growing up because of their colors. I don't know what dragonfly has to say to me. When he visited yesterday, I struck on the dragonfly as symbol for transformation, and my story for the anthology being three transformations and how I concluded at the end of my story that my whole life is one continuous transformation. It really struck me.

My dreams last night included a crone who was an ally confronting something dangerous, a being of some kind. Something fearsome. I don't remember details.

The big picture is to get to know myself. How can I  more fully express myself in the world? How can I let go of my fear of being known? Maybe it all comes down to knowing myself better and loving myself more fully. Maybe I begin by letting the world love me – or rather letting myself be aware of being loved by everything around me.

This is a journal entry from Thursday 6/13/13

From a dream:
The mirror said I had dark hair with white tips, short hair. My left eye wouldn't open or close. I had contacts – iridescent gold.

This is a journal entry from Sunday 6/16/13

In the past, I have recognized other people – mostly men – as being forces of nature. They frightened me. They were unpredictable and powerful – like a tornado. I have not acknowledged myself as a force of nature. I have tried to contain that raw power and to be rational.

How do I acknowledge myself as a force of nature? How do I learn to allow my power to be expressed? My fear is that I will cause destruction. I am afraid of not being able to control myself – as I believe my father was not able to control himself. How can I trust myself to let go of control, having seen what that looked like for him.

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