Sunday, June 9, 2013

Preparing for SI Training

This is a journal entry from Tuesday 5/28/13

On Sunday night, I had sex with a young man I met online. He was full of erotic energy and he was fun to play with. All I did was reflect his heat.

Afterward, I went to a chain restaurant. At this restaurant, they serve many breakfast dishes with two slices of bacon and two sausage links. I didn't mention to the waiter that I wanted all bacon, which I do typically. He brought me all bacon without me having to tell him. I noticed this and was a little overwhelmed that the Universe would honor me this way.

I'm flying home to Texas right now. The stewardess just brought snacks around. It was Cheese Nips. That was a snack my grandmother got a taste for late in life. She didn't know if they were still being made and we didn't know what they were. The fact that the stewardess brought them makes me think my grandmother is present. Is she a part of my journey?

I had a dream about her after she died. The colors were intense and the world felt tight. We were outside her house. She was in a wheel chair with nubs where her hands should be and there was a worn divot on the arm rest where she had worn her fingers down. I believe she was released from her corporeal form by now, but I was worried about her then.

This is a journal entry from Thursday 5/30/13

It's been a long while since I've worked for money. I still feel busy. I'm racing with my slow reading to finish reading my book before the Sacred Intimacy Training in July. I'm about half way through. How long would it take if I was working a full time job? I've completed my DVD, but haven't moved forward on reproducing it or marketing it. I haven't had time for my Yoga of Sex class at all. I blame the reading assignment for the summer intensive.

I'm trying to go slow. I've been writing down memories of dreams, old and new. I'm ready to sink into my soul and find the gifts I have for the world. I focus on what is mine to do in this moment. I don't want to go back to work, but my money won't last forever. Soon I'll need to go to my savings.

It's hard not to lose track of the bigger picture that I want to expose. It's so easy to get lost in details. My goal is not to complete my Yoga of Sex lessons, read a book for an intensive, distribute a video, or anything like that. My goal is to wake myself up and stay awake until I die. My goal is to learn to laugh and speak from my heart. My goal is to cry and help others feel safe in crying. My goal is to let my heart break again and again so that I can love more perfectly.

This is a journal entry from Friday 5/31/13

I had a dream last night about trying to sell myself for sex. There was me and one other man. No one wanted me, but the other man found a client. I helped set up the privacy and music. I was disappointed no one wanted me.

It's big picture time. There are many little things to be done, but they are meaningless in the bigger context. There are too many little things to do. I like my armpits.

I can't see the big picture, at least not yet. I can see a need to let go of the way I have worked in the past. That is the way that keeps me obsessing about catching up, that tries to push me to get things done, but that creates clutter and half finished projects.

I want to simplify so that I can focus my energy. In thinking about this, I find myself thinking that I have a deep wellspring of energy. It's so much, that I typically need to dissipate it so that it doesn't overwhelm me. So I watch TV and avoid cleaning the clutter in my life. I feel tired so that I don't explode. If I didn't dissipate the energy in distractions, what would I be able to accomplish?

A key piece of the equation is my attitude. I want to find the fun in my life, the humor, the self-confidence. This is what I think of as power. If I could feel less threatened by people, if I would unleash my power – I could find a more fulfilling life. If I could relax.

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