I want to change how I feel. How I feel is interfering with my life, or I am letting how I feel interfere with my life.
So much of my life seems to have been spent trying to manage my feelings, or avoiding them. I've spent hours being paralyzed trying to find motivation to do something.
When am I going to start taking care of myself? How do I take care of myself? It seems like I wake up and start pushing myself to be productive while doing nothing. The gas pedal is pressed and the brake is fully engaged. “I don't want to...” If I don't want to, there may be a reason. What am I avoiding? What is it that I do want to do?
My faith operates on the field of divine substance. It always does. That's what it does. I'm getting what I perceive. I can change my perception. Faith is the perceiving power of mind which shapes and forms substance – according to the 4T Prosperity Program.
Lately, I am full of self doubt. I don't feel capable of doing the job I've been doing for years anymore. I feel attacked during interviews. I have doubts that God will prosper me. I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
I know that I am big. Heidi taught me how powerful I truly am. I am big and powerful and wise. I am the giant redwood. Firmly rooted in the earth, my branches reach the heavens. I get sucked into low level programming problems during interviews and lose sight of the depth of my power. My power runs deep.
I am my own benefactor.
If I want a full time job doing software development, I would need to prepare. I would want to research what I have done to remember the technical terms. I would want retraining. I feel like I need to grow up. It's not what I want to do.
On the other hand, I'm not making money as a Sacred Intimate. I have not found a revenue stream that honors that part of myself. God provides for all my needs.
I could write a book. I could finish my first DVD. That would be something I could sell. It could explain what I have to offer.
I know that I have an important part to play. I trust that I will be guided right to it if I stay aware. I now feel guided to act as my own agent.
This is a journal entry from Thursday 8/15/13
Yesterday didn't go very well for me. I have been not feeling that well physically – starting with a fever on Tuesday night. It probably tainted my emotional state. Part of the problem also is looking for a new job, and having a severe lack of confidence in that endeavor.
My spirit animal currently is the dragon fly. One aspect of that is that I know who I really am. The idea is that I hide my strength and power by pretending to be weak and not very smart. I recognize hiding my true nature. I recognize my cleverness. I'm still afraid to express it.
Yesterday, I noticed feeling tired. I laid down and relaxed. I don't want to do that often. I need exercise to stay healthy. I don't think I was sleepy. I think I was anxious. I think I was feeling avoidance. I spend too much time feeling paralyzed. Again, I want to know how I can learn to take my foot off the brake, and gently accelerate.
What have I learned? How do I give myself permission to embrace my power? I have an interview tomorrow. Do I wear my nose-ring or pretend that I don't have one? Do I assimilate?
If my ultimate mission it to give others permission to explore physical desire, grow spiritual understanding and heal their wounds, then I need to think about how I can do that most effectively. My vision statement may need one more revision. I still see piping money from my software development career into this core work. My work is best served through education in self care. I need to learn to care for myself to help others learn to do that.
Is my mission a charity? How can I live my mission today?
This is a journal entry from Saturday 8/17/13
The dragonfly taught me something. I sense that I already know what I need to do and that it's time to stop playing dumb. I am caught in avoidance.
I will begin at the beginning. “Seek ye first the Kingdom.” This could be the one and only true step. Seeking to be aware of the divine presence within. Quieting the chattering mind. Learning to trust that everything is OK. Letting my heart soar as I sense the life in this body. This is what I always forget, then it becomes putting out the next fire. When I feel anxious, I am out of touch with my awareness of the perfection of life. I am guided to where I need to be.
My mission is to help people feel free to be fully embodied and to reconcile that with their spirituality, to help people heal and grow. I sense that means finding a job and letting it bless my mission with money to grow it. However, a job isn't necessary. What I need are avenues to receive money. God prospers me opulently.
I now know that I am powerful and wise beyond my own understanding, beyond my ability to accept.
This is a journal entry from Sunday 8/18/13
There is nothing I can't accomplish. I am big, powerful, and wise. I have no need of fear. I find myself releasing attachments.
Whatever happens is none of my business. I am responsible for my experience and actions. This is where my power is.
I will likely have an interview Monday or Tuesday. I am afraid of it. I want to get this contract, but my self-doubt will prevent it. If I go in and feel like I've lost the contract before I get it, I will also lose out.
It's none of my business what happens.
I am powerful. I can use that power any way that I choose.
So, I can step back and stop trying to force things to move quickly. I'm thinking about my prosperity and what it is I have to offer the world.
This is a journal entry from Tuesday 8/20/13
This is a wonderful time to let go of my ego. I have no reason to believe the interview today would go badly. I don't have to take anything today personally. I can let my fear dissolve my ego. I can use this experience to help me wake up.
My wish is to step into this job and continue funding my mission. It's not something I really want to do. I don't want to take time away from what's important, but that's what is happening. Money affords me a certain amount of freedom. Everything is God. All is Love.
I want to rework my DVD and make some reproductions and begin marketing it.
I feel like I need a job. I still haven't looked for a job. I've been letting them come to me. For all I know, this company I'm interviewing with today is a gift from God, an avenue for prosperity. My ego may stand between me and prosperity.
I am a Sacred Intimate, but I have not been taking care of myself lately. I have found myself angry for no reason. I feel that I am missing some nourishment, but I'm not sure what. It feel like I'm tired and hungry and that makes me irritable naturally. I don't know how to shake the tired feeling. Rest doesn't seem to help. It may be anxiety.
My faith operates on the field or divine substance that surrounds me, opulently prospering me.
This is a journal entry from Sunday 8/25/13
I'm feeling anxious about work again. I still have money in reserve, but I feel the desire to be in the flow of prosperity again. I know I can't not be in the flow, but I'm looking for an avenue for money to come to me. Maybe I've forgotten to trust God?
I had forgotten about trusting God and being guided by him. I've thought about being guided and then turned back to try to figure out what to do next. I still feel I know who I really am, but haven't found a way to express it.
Each morning, I sit and try to connect with God, but my thoughts turn to finding my next job. I'm afraid finding my next job will keep me from living my passion, will trap me. I've been angry in traffic and not nourished.
I value my ability to create. I recognize I create the life I live. So far, my life has been created by my random thoughts. Now I wish to design my life. I want nudity to be part of that design. I keep slipping back and thinking that first I need to make money...
That's not it. Money is a side effect.
I can write.
What is important? I'm all in.
I am big, powerful, and wise. I don't have to know how to serve.
This is a journal entry from Tuesday 8/27/13
The answer is right in front of my nose. I have been opening up. I am finding new freedoms within myself all the time. I remember the moment I found the freedom to put on makeup and wear a dress. I am big, powerful, and wise. That is the direction I have been traveling and growing.
My male SI has helped me see that I am not in the flow. This makes sense to me. I have been feeling like there's a log jam. It seemed to come up when I began getting calls from recruiters and again began looking for a job in a field I know but which I dislike. So now, I'm looking for my flow.
Where are things that are easy and effortless in my life? Where have I been pointed?
This is a journal entry from Wednesday 8/28/13
There is every reason to believe that I will have a great day. I don't need a reason. I need to take care of myself.
Stop seeking for a while. What is it that I want that is taking me out of the flow? What is easy and effortless? Computers are easy and effortless, except for the continuous need to expand my knowledge with changing technologies.
This is a journal entry from Sunday 9/1/13
Today's card is Death. I have begun going through the Tarot cards one card per day – or until I feel comfortable knowing what the card means. I chose the first card randomly and Death is the one that came up. It represents change and transformation, endings and beginnings.
It feels meaningful that the first card is Death. I have been in a place of transition for a while. First becoming dissatisfied at work in the software development industry. I was no longer being nourished. I was tired and angry. I was laid off. I contracted and worked for a small company before moving to a large company where I again became dissatisfied. It doesn't work.
Now I find myself here. I had wanted a familiar job that paid well, but I haven't found it. I sense an ending as I begin to embrace the life of a Sacred Intimate. I believe that sex is an innocent act and I demonstrate that on camera with self-touch and erotic massage exchange. As a sex educator, how can I say that sex is nothing to be ashamed of and then avoid being seen in sexual contexts – naked and in erotic ecstasy?
I am moving closer to serving paying clients as a Sacred Intimate. It feels more and more natural. I am continuing to move forward with my first DVD which may be two DVDs. I intend to speak to the camera today and explain my Orgasmic Yoga practice and invite the watcher to join me for an extended period of self-love. I feel comfortable with this. It feels right.
Is this the end of software development? I feel that I am at a transition. I need to be motivated by love of what I do and not by money. The revenue stream is essential, but it cannot stand on its own. It needs to be founded in love, but I need to give God an avenue to prosper me. Or I need to listen to God for guidance about where a soul nourishing revenue stream lies.