This is a journal entry from Sunday 4 May, 2008.
I've spent as much time as I could to put together a template for pages on the rexharley.com website so that I can build them more quickly and consistently. It's taken alot more time than I scheduled, but it's a learning process. I should be able to start rolling it out soon. First, I was going to update some of my outdated pages. Then I'd like to start putting out some of the free content from the affiliate programs. I may as well use the motivation while it's there. I don't like letting other things slip, but I don't want the procrastination on things I don't want to do block me from the motivation I feel.
So far, I've been imagining that being free was having the resources to quit work and have complete control over how I spend my time. But I don't need to quit my job to be able to spend an hour a week with nothing to do except whatever I want to do. The weather is beautiful today. The sun is out and the birds are singing. I am free to sit here and create my universe.
I want to do bodybuilding. I enjoy the experience in the gym with the way it smells and the men I see, but there's a desire behind the desire. I want to look in the mirror and see a muscular defined body. I imagine this would make me more sexually attractive and that men I have sex with and who watch me have sex would have an even better experience. I want to please the men I have sex with and I want to see them using me to experience ecstasy. I like the idea of being used as a sexual plaything and feel drawn to it.
Given the within-out, without-in insight from a few entries ago, I imagine that God has the same compulsion to grant us our heart's desire. The problem is that we don't feel deserving, so we attract less than we deserve. It's what we ask for. And it's consistent with Christ teaching - "Fear not, little flock, for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom." Luke 12:32.
I guess the next desire for my freedom is to make porn for the same reasons.
It's hard to imagine what I would do with my free time after that. If I had the money I would ever need, what would I do? I would be naked more. Nudity is the next passion. I dream of engineering a life where I never need to wear clothes. For me, this is a spiritual ideal. I want to live as I was created as naturally as possible. Clothing is so artificial. Living nude is the height of freedom for me.
I'm afraid that without a job, I would need a purpose. I would need work to do. I would grow bored by simply reading and writing. You can only work out at the gym so much. I imagine that after so much time off that my office would be clean, my life would be organized and my website would be easily maintainable. After that, I could do some periodic traveling, but there's always the bulk of time for living.
The 4 Hour Work Week book by Timothy Ferriss shows that this work can change from time to time, so I don't need to pick one "life's work" forever. I can move from challenge to challenge.
I want to get the website in the shape that I want. That's where my passion is right now. Intuitively, I should use the three principles of getting 80% of the results from 20% of the effort and that a job will expand to take the amount of time we've scheduled, but this week is educational for me. I don't want to feel rushed. I don't want to schedule some time and have to stop before I am done.
So the goal for this week is to complete the thumbnail page and image display templates, create some advertising panels and migrate my personal pis that are still in v1 and v2 formats to the new v3 format. Next week I can work on the video pages and maybe the mixed pages. Finally I'll update the category pages and entry portal. At that point, it should be a breeze to add videos and pictures to the website.
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