What to do? Career choices.

This is a journal entry from Tuesday 8/19/2008

What gifts do I want to share with others?

The biggest gift would be a sense of being safe in the world, that there is an intelligence and order to it. Unfortunately, it's a gift I f frequently lack. In the same vein, the gift of recognizing your own divinity and power and the knowledge of how to help yourself and others.

After that, I can only think to wonder what gifts I have to offer. I've spent most of my life learning to fix things - cars, computers, software.

Maybe there aren't any gifts that I want to share. Maybe I just want the resources to take care of myself and leave the world to it's own devices. I've felt afraid of unpredictable people so long.

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Continued on Wednesday 8/20/2008

It's the weird that I don't have a ready answer for these kind of questions. Where is my inner motivation? What do I want? I can't believe there's nothing that moves me.

When I was a child, and today, I was attracted to science fiction TV shows and movies. I've wanted to visit distant planets and use advanced technology. I enjoyed the idea that I knew how the technology worked. I liked that clever use of the technology could resolve problems.

I've also wanted to play roles of the characters who were the side kick. I want someone else to be the decision maker while I use my understanding of technology to solve problems and assist the hero.

TV and movie fantasies have been the primary way I've had of exploring my values and roles. Without them, I don't have any way to form a context for answering these questions.

• Science and Technology
• Technological Understanding
• Assistance/servicing

I need to do some fiction writing to explore my values.

I see a new tie-in. People often consider science and religion to be at odds. But it could be that the reason itself is a spiritual gift, and that gift gives rise to science. So science has religion and spirituality as its base and belief could be a driving force of new scientific discoveries - as it has been in the past.

Preparing to prepare a new resume

This is a journal entry from Sunday 8/10/2008

Now that I have an idea about what I want to do, I get back to the problem about how to do it. I go back to work tomorrow, but I haven't had time to start the process on getting a new resume. The office is still cluttered. My in box is full. There's no time to take care of all of this. I don't have any method I can use to get out of this job. I'll go back to being overwhelmed at work and having no time to free myself. There must be something I can do.

The problem, if it is a problem, can be solved. Others have probably already solved it. First I need to understand it, then I can find out if it has been solved. First, it feels like there's too much to do and too little time to do it. Second, attempting to do everything that I think I need to leaves me feeling too tired to do all that I want to do. The solution involves doing what I want to do and not giving attention to the idea of not having enough time. It also involves letting go of unnecessary tasks and having someone else do it for me. Another part of the solution is to learn to look at the problem in new ways.

It won't simply be letting go of my anxiety about getting things done. That must be balanced against a framework that lets me move in the direction I choose at a rate that is comfortable.

A part of the problem is that I attempt to use anxiety as a motiving factor, which depletes my energy reserve. So part of the solution is to find other motivating factors that work while preserving my emotional energy.

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God is love.
Being every negative feeling is a challenge to remind us we are divine and above the circumstances.
Love allows me to see clarly.

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I'm looking at the career strategy workshop papers. Now I begin to think I should take more time to decide my next career move. While I made some progress during my vacation, I didn't get around to working on the values questions. I don't think I have all the answers I need when talking to someone about my resume.

At the same time, I'm ready to be off to a new company - even if it means taking a pay cut. Working as a contractor for a while would give me an opportunity to work at promoting myself - self marketing.

So I need to finish the values/interview quesetions quickly so that I can get my resume re-written and move on.

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I've got the problem and solution space defined. Can I write a software program that can give me my "next task" without involving my emotions? That's kind a neat idea. Id I rate things according to priority and time requirements, I can take my ego out of the equation and work on things with less anxiety. After a while, maybe I'll learn that it doesn't matter what I decide to do next. Everything important gets done.

Keys to action - for me

This is a journal entry from Saturday 8/9/2008

I feel like I'm about to burst. Maybe it's the fever I've had for several days. There is so much to be done. There is a small part of me that believes it can be done.

So there are some keys. First is to let go of the inner resistance. I've never mastered this in the past. If I do the work, it will not take very long to do. If I resist, it grows exponentially.

The second key is to limit the time I have to act without inner resistance.

The third key is to preserve some time daily when there is nothing to do except to exist. Perhaps this is the first key?

Anxiety still throws me for a loop. Since I can't escape it, I'd like to learn how I can use it to my advantage - maybe as a motivating factor.