I Am Commander

This is a journal entry from Sunday 4/15/12

I'm looking for a phrase that I can't think of. It's about being in charge of my own consciousness and life; having authority, power. It's about not being pushed around by circumstances. It's about being comfortable with my authority. It's about not being critical with myself or pushing myself.

What is the work I'm looking for? I am my own commander. Whatever I choose to do or not do is my choice, to be fully supported. I will not be bullied. I do not act out of fear, but out of power. When I choose to do something and I react with “oh no, now I have to do this!,” I can respect my decision. I can follow through.

If it's Sunday afternoon and I feel like I need to get something done because the weekend is running out and I'm not making progress because there's too much to do, I must remember that I am free to do what I choose. I can take action or not. No one can tell me what I have to do, including me. I don't have to put myself under pressure. There's nothing I have to do. I can do whatever I want. What is the word I'm looking for?

This is a journal entry from Monday 4/16/12

Same topic as yesterday. I'm looking for a word or phrase to capture the essence of something I want to claim. It asserts my authority and dominion over my inner world. It also provides the ability to reject any thoughts that bind me – negative thoughts, any thoughts I want to reject.

I see a CEO of a company, a leader. He has a group that supports him and provides suggestions. At some point, there is a decision to be made and he directs his lieutenants to put the plan into action. His lieutenants stop their bickering and go into action. As leader, he doesn't need to coerce his lieutenants or force or threaten or plead or beg. What he says is law. All he does is make a decision while believing his decision is law. Leadership. Command.

This is a journal entry from Thursday 4/19/12

Maybe I found a new key. I haven't liked that I have to try so hard to understand a concept like “all that I see is a reflection of me.” The fact that I had to stop and think about how it's true makes it a kind of an artificial thought. It doesn't come naturally and makes me think I may be on the wrong track.

The problem is that so much of my/our mental framework is mutually agreed on without any actual thought. We're all asleep, lulled by comfortable ideas of a rational universe. If these ideas as are true, I need to keep “putting them on” until they come naturally. The only way to know if they work is to try them.

It's very hard for me to accept that everything I perceive is within me, but that's the best way to learn to accept the unacceptable. Byron Katie teaches me to see that there is literally nothing to fear, but I am full of fears. It's time to start working on them.

So, looking at my muse, what is mine to do? How can I pay it forward?

I have been doing software development for years. I grew up wanting to be Spock on Star Trek, but I wasn't as enthusiastic with actual science. I didn't have the passion. I didn't look for passion. I like electronics and software programming, but even that doesn't fill me with passion. It's just mildly enjoyable. It's like an open ended video game. It's probably a clue about how I can serve others.

Apathy and drugs kept me from getting a physics degree. That may have been a blessing.

I enjoy gay sex. It's overwhelmingly passionate, or it used to be. I remember thumbing though porn in my early twenties and feeling the passion hormones flood my system. My ability to acknowledge desires grew slowly over time.

I want to be in porn, but I'm not the type of man you see in movies, especially now that I am older. I'm not greatly in shape, but I enjoy being seen experiencing pleasure.

What product or service can I provide at no cost? What can I give that will help someone else be less dependent on money?

This is a journal entry from Friday 4/20/12

I want to touch my power this weekend, to feel it flow through me. I want to own my time and accept responsibility for my choices in how I use it. I am commander. I reject pressure. I will not use pressure against myself. I will respect my choices. I will sit in my power. What does that look like?

It involves other people. I need people to help me explore my power.

My mission is to serve others. It is my responsibility to find out what others want and need. What do I want and need? How may I serve myself?

Inner Authority

This is a journal entry from Sunday 4/8/12

I'm still looking for my power, but I feel closer now. I think the key for me will be recognizing my authority. I have authority over my actions. I have the authority to make my own decisions. I believe the world around me is designed to put us to sleep. We don't question the framework of the world that is presented to us, until now. Many great societies have grown beyond the frameworks that built them and collapsed like the ancient Egyptians, Greeks and Romans. There are many people on Earth consuming resources. We are addicted to excess. Those with power tend to use their power to enhance their power. Will it collapse? To say either yes or no is arrogant.

People have a compelling reason to embrace ignorance. Without power, they are overwhelmed. To believe we will survive allows us to continue. The answer is to empower people at the same time as charging them to improve the world. Stop focusing on survival and focus on helping the world to heal.

Let go of the need for money. Learn to love and teach others to do the same. Learn to depend less on the physical and more on the spiritual. We all have authority to find joy in breathing, of following our hearts.

I want to remember that everything I experience is a reflection of myself, including the things I fear and hate. As I learn to love what I experience, I learn to love myself.

This is a journal entry from Monday 4/9/12

I am royalty. Rex. I have dominion over my inner world. I have power and authority over my life. I don't need to build power or generate power. I just need to know that it's there.

Let me imagine being a king on his throne. All adore me. My word is law. I am naked, without shame. I am comfortable being on the throne, confident. I have authority to make mistakes. I see myself through the eyes of my subjects who see only perfection and grace.

If I am attacked, I have no need to lash out because I am powerful and beyond harm. I feel compassion out of strength and love.

Let me call God “Beloved.” Let me rise above judging by appearances. The beloved is everywhere. The beloved reflects myself, the parts that I love and the parts that I don't. I still fear being homeless. I still fear death. But I have much that I can give. I have more to give than most people can accept.

This is a journal entry from Tuesday 4/10/12

I feel like there are some common themes threading through my life right now. At the moment, it's about claiming my power over my inner experience. Recently it's been about using work as a spiritual exercise.

I can see that unleashing my power has something to do with feeling affirmed and valued, appreciated. When I felt accepted and loved at Dear Love, I was empowered like I had never been before. Now it's my job to love and accept myself so much that I feel it.

I can see that everyone I meet is a reflection of myself on several levels. For me to truly love myself, I need to love everyone I encounter. When I fear someone, it is myself that I fear. When I am angry at someone, I am angry with myself. How can I learn to more deeply love the beloved? I want to accept others, to appreciate more.

I still have trouble getting past that adversarial feeling. For some reason, I think expressing my power will mean being defensive. In truth, it's the opposite – but I don't know how to get in touch with that.

This is a journal entry from Thursday 4/12/12

I still feel overwhelmed. Things are going too fast for me to keep up. This is what I feel.

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I am sad.

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Feeling overwhelmed keeps me from being present. It keeps me from making connections. I used to look up to people, but now nobody moves me. There's no one I want to be like, no one I admire. Without a guide, I drift. Is no one worthy of my admiration?

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I can't see myself. I can see how I think people react when I do something sexual that seems like too much. It takes time to build trust with someone. One person feels a desire and acts on it. That causes someone seeing it to feel “ewww.” Sometimes the person acting on the desire catches a glimpse of themselves and feel the same “ewww,” experiencing shame. If I catch a glimpse of myself, will If eel shame? Would it change me?

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Why can't I see myself? because I hide from myself. Since I'm attached to myself, seeing my flaws is painful. The key is in the spiritual teachings of the past – to let go of the ego. This is the actual (maybe) original sin, fear that keeps us from seeing ourselves and our mistakes. Without seeing our mistakes – we keep making them. In religion, there is one who sees us completely with all of our flaws and forgives us of our mistakes. Then we can see clearly and make new choices without guilt or self-punishment. I can allow myself to see myself if I invite a loving presence to go with me and teach me to forgive myself for my flaws and move on.

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I began feeling overwhelmed, but now I see that I need time to sit and be still. I accept what I don't have time for. There is nothing to prove. It's OK to have flaws.

This is a journal entry from Friday 4/13/12

We are living in interesting times.

We have a complex technological world and it's not clear that we know how to handle that. There is no prescription for it, but everyone has an opinion. And we'll all fight for our opinion.

One group thinks government is the problem and it needs to be hobbled so that it stops interfering with the free capitalist markets.

Another group believes that free capitalist markets are causing an extremely small minority to control most of the worlds resources.

Most scientists believe man made carbon emissions are causing catastrophic climate change. Others believe that controlling carbon emissions will catastrophically damage the economy and lead to mass joblessness and poverty. Maybe, the more our technologies advance – the fewer traditional jobs are required.

Most of us pick a side and defend it. Others are overwhelmed by the complexity and shake their heads that people can't agree on such fundamental issues.

I am sure I am not alone. the world is going through a fundamental shift. We all have a part to play. It may be as simple as remembering we are all on the same side. We all have a part to play.

I want to be a custodian of life on Earth. I want to learn to overcome my addiction to money. I want to free myself of depression fear and anger.

Part of me wants to turn my back on the money culture and learn to live off the land. Part of me wants to solve the riddle of living with an economy that relies on continuous growth forever. Part of me wants to be free of a disposable world.

I choose to live my life more responsibly. I choose to consume less. I choose to pursue a greater good where I give of myself selflessly. I choose to see a new paradigm emerging on Earth were we care for each other. Idealism. How my I serve?

Celebration

This is a journal entry from Friday 4/6/12

I want to do something new. I want to use death as an empowerment tool. When I resist something out of fear, I will try to imagine how I will feel about it on my deathbed.

I have a sense of not being true to myself. I don't want that to be a concern on my deathbed.

On a related note, I often have the sense of not having energy, that I lack the power to do this or that. There's a feeling that I need to outsmart myself to get myself to take action. How do I force myself to do something in the future? No matter how much force I exert, it can't be done. I can't even force myself to do something now.

At some point, you have to ask the question “why am I trying to force myself to do anything?” For security? For money? I fight for security in an insecure world. What if instead of trying to force myself, I found some way to unleash myself? How can I unleash my power right here and now? What would I do if I was unleashed? How do I stop resisting my own power?

When I came back from Dear Love, I has no resistance and I had all power. I was genuine and considerate. I was not afraid and I trusted. I had found acceptance from other men that allowed me to be completely myself. I was affirmed as a loving and caring man, worthy of love and celebration.

Feeling empowered

This is a journal entry from Wednesday 4/2/12

I would like a reliable way to feel empowered. It has to do with how I'm thinking. One way that I try to use is taking breaks to be present. I give my mind time to slow down by focusing on the sounds I hear as I relax. It's not unusual for me to get caught up in my thinking when I try this. That defeats my intention.

Once I get to that sense of peace and calm, I can begin to let go of attachment to past and future. This is the point where I can do as I choose. This is my point of power. This is where I am free of work and obligations, where I am physically comfortable and my mind is relaxed. If I increase this sense of power, maybe I can access it while I am at work. This is a more powerful place to be than when I am planning and hoping the “future me” (that I count on to implement my plan) will have the will. If I can conceive of what I want to do “now,” then maybe I'll be able to do it “then.” I can't plan to do something I don't have the will to do. Not anymore. I refuse to be held captive by my past.