This is a journal entry from Friday 4/6/12
I want to do something new. I want to use death as an empowerment tool. When I resist something out of fear, I will try to imagine how I will feel about it on my deathbed.
I have a sense of not being true to myself. I don't want that to be a concern on my deathbed.
On a related note, I often have the sense of not having energy, that I lack the power to do this or that. There's a feeling that I need to outsmart myself to get myself to take action. How do I force myself to do something in the future? No matter how much force I exert, it can't be done. I can't even force myself to do something now.
At some point, you have to ask the question “why am I trying to force myself to do anything?” For security? For money? I fight for security in an insecure world. What if instead of trying to force myself, I found some way to unleash myself? How can I unleash my power right here and now? What would I do if I was unleashed? How do I stop resisting my own power?
When I came back from Dear Love, I has no resistance and I had all power. I was genuine and considerate. I was not afraid and I trusted. I had found acceptance from other men that allowed me to be completely myself. I was affirmed as a loving and caring man, worthy of love and celebration.