I Am Commander

This is a journal entry from Sunday 4/15/12

I'm looking for a phrase that I can't think of. It's about being in charge of my own consciousness and life; having authority, power. It's about not being pushed around by circumstances. It's about being comfortable with my authority. It's about not being critical with myself or pushing myself.

What is the work I'm looking for? I am my own commander. Whatever I choose to do or not do is my choice, to be fully supported. I will not be bullied. I do not act out of fear, but out of power. When I choose to do something and I react with “oh no, now I have to do this!,” I can respect my decision. I can follow through.

If it's Sunday afternoon and I feel like I need to get something done because the weekend is running out and I'm not making progress because there's too much to do, I must remember that I am free to do what I choose. I can take action or not. No one can tell me what I have to do, including me. I don't have to put myself under pressure. There's nothing I have to do. I can do whatever I want. What is the word I'm looking for?

This is a journal entry from Monday 4/16/12

Same topic as yesterday. I'm looking for a word or phrase to capture the essence of something I want to claim. It asserts my authority and dominion over my inner world. It also provides the ability to reject any thoughts that bind me – negative thoughts, any thoughts I want to reject.

I see a CEO of a company, a leader. He has a group that supports him and provides suggestions. At some point, there is a decision to be made and he directs his lieutenants to put the plan into action. His lieutenants stop their bickering and go into action. As leader, he doesn't need to coerce his lieutenants or force or threaten or plead or beg. What he says is law. All he does is make a decision while believing his decision is law. Leadership. Command.

This is a journal entry from Thursday 4/19/12

Maybe I found a new key. I haven't liked that I have to try so hard to understand a concept like “all that I see is a reflection of me.” The fact that I had to stop and think about how it's true makes it a kind of an artificial thought. It doesn't come naturally and makes me think I may be on the wrong track.

The problem is that so much of my/our mental framework is mutually agreed on without any actual thought. We're all asleep, lulled by comfortable ideas of a rational universe. If these ideas as are true, I need to keep “putting them on” until they come naturally. The only way to know if they work is to try them.

It's very hard for me to accept that everything I perceive is within me, but that's the best way to learn to accept the unacceptable. Byron Katie teaches me to see that there is literally nothing to fear, but I am full of fears. It's time to start working on them.

So, looking at my muse, what is mine to do? How can I pay it forward?

I have been doing software development for years. I grew up wanting to be Spock on Star Trek, but I wasn't as enthusiastic with actual science. I didn't have the passion. I didn't look for passion. I like electronics and software programming, but even that doesn't fill me with passion. It's just mildly enjoyable. It's like an open ended video game. It's probably a clue about how I can serve others.

Apathy and drugs kept me from getting a physics degree. That may have been a blessing.

I enjoy gay sex. It's overwhelmingly passionate, or it used to be. I remember thumbing though porn in my early twenties and feeling the passion hormones flood my system. My ability to acknowledge desires grew slowly over time.

I want to be in porn, but I'm not the type of man you see in movies, especially now that I am older. I'm not greatly in shape, but I enjoy being seen experiencing pleasure.

What product or service can I provide at no cost? What can I give that will help someone else be less dependent on money?

This is a journal entry from Friday 4/20/12

I want to touch my power this weekend, to feel it flow through me. I want to own my time and accept responsibility for my choices in how I use it. I am commander. I reject pressure. I will not use pressure against myself. I will respect my choices. I will sit in my power. What does that look like?

It involves other people. I need people to help me explore my power.

My mission is to serve others. It is my responsibility to find out what others want and need. What do I want and need? How may I serve myself?