This is a journal entry from Sunday 4/8/12
I'm still looking for my power, but I feel closer now. I think the key for me will be recognizing my authority. I have authority over my actions. I have the authority to make my own decisions. I believe the world around me is designed to put us to sleep. We don't question the framework of the world that is presented to us, until now. Many great societies have grown beyond the frameworks that built them and collapsed like the ancient Egyptians, Greeks and Romans. There are many people on Earth consuming resources. We are addicted to excess. Those with power tend to use their power to enhance their power. Will it collapse? To say either yes or no is arrogant.
People have a compelling reason to embrace ignorance. Without power, they are overwhelmed. To believe we will survive allows us to continue. The answer is to empower people at the same time as charging them to improve the world. Stop focusing on survival and focus on helping the world to heal.
Let go of the need for money. Learn to love and teach others to do the same. Learn to depend less on the physical and more on the spiritual. We all have authority to find joy in breathing, of following our hearts.
I want to remember that everything I experience is a reflection of myself, including the things I fear and hate. As I learn to love what I experience, I learn to love myself.
This is a journal entry from Monday 4/9/12
I am royalty. Rex. I have dominion over my inner world. I have power and authority over my life. I don't need to build power or generate power. I just need to know that it's there.
Let me imagine being a king on his throne. All adore me. My word is law. I am naked, without shame. I am comfortable being on the throne, confident. I have authority to make mistakes. I see myself through the eyes of my subjects who see only perfection and grace.
If I am attacked, I have no need to lash out because I am powerful and beyond harm. I feel compassion out of strength and love.
Let me call God “Beloved.” Let me rise above judging by appearances. The beloved is everywhere. The beloved reflects myself, the parts that I love and the parts that I don't. I still fear being homeless. I still fear death. But I have much that I can give. I have more to give than most people can accept.
This is a journal entry from Tuesday 4/10/12
I feel like there are some common themes threading through my life right now. At the moment, it's about claiming my power over my inner experience. Recently it's been about using work as a spiritual exercise.
I can see that unleashing my power has something to do with feeling affirmed and valued, appreciated. When I felt accepted and loved at Dear Love, I was empowered like I had never been before. Now it's my job to love and accept myself so much that I feel it.
I can see that everyone I meet is a reflection of myself on several levels. For me to truly love myself, I need to love everyone I encounter. When I fear someone, it is myself that I fear. When I am angry at someone, I am angry with myself. How can I learn to more deeply love the beloved? I want to accept others, to appreciate more.
I still have trouble getting past that adversarial feeling. For some reason, I think expressing my power will mean being defensive. In truth, it's the opposite – but I don't know how to get in touch with that.
This is a journal entry from Thursday 4/12/12
I still feel overwhelmed. Things are going too fast for me to keep up. This is what I feel.
I am sad.
Feeling overwhelmed keeps me from being present. It keeps me from making connections. I used to look up to people, but now nobody moves me. There's no one I want to be like, no one I admire. Without a guide, I drift. Is no one worthy of my admiration?
I can't see myself. I can see how I think people react when I do something sexual that seems like too much. It takes time to build trust with someone. One person feels a desire and acts on it. That causes someone seeing it to feel “ewww.” Sometimes the person acting on the desire catches a glimpse of themselves and feel the same “ewww,” experiencing shame. If I catch a glimpse of myself, will If eel shame? Would it change me?
Why can't I see myself? because I hide from myself. Since I'm attached to myself, seeing my flaws is painful. The key is in the spiritual teachings of the past – to let go of the ego. This is the actual (maybe) original sin, fear that keeps us from seeing ourselves and our mistakes. Without seeing our mistakes – we keep making them. In religion, there is one who sees us completely with all of our flaws and forgives us of our mistakes. Then we can see clearly and make new choices without guilt or self-punishment. I can allow myself to see myself if I invite a loving presence to go with me and teach me to forgive myself for my flaws and move on.
I began feeling overwhelmed, but now I see that I need time to sit and be still. I accept what I don't have time for. There is nothing to prove. It's OK to have flaws.
This is a journal entry from Friday 4/13/12
We are living in interesting times.
We have a complex technological world and it's not clear that we know how to handle that. There is no prescription for it, but everyone has an opinion. And we'll all fight for our opinion.
One group thinks government is the problem and it needs to be hobbled so that it stops interfering with the free capitalist markets.
Another group believes that free capitalist markets are causing an extremely small minority to control most of the worlds resources.
Most scientists believe man made carbon emissions are causing catastrophic climate change. Others believe that controlling carbon emissions will catastrophically damage the economy and lead to mass joblessness and poverty. Maybe, the more our technologies advance – the fewer traditional jobs are required.
Most of us pick a side and defend it. Others are overwhelmed by the complexity and shake their heads that people can't agree on such fundamental issues.
I am sure I am not alone. the world is going through a fundamental shift. We all have a part to play. It may be as simple as remembering we are all on the same side. We all have a part to play.
I want to be a custodian of life on Earth. I want to learn to overcome my addiction to money. I want to free myself of depression fear and anger.
Part of me wants to turn my back on the money culture and learn to live off the land. Part of me wants to solve the riddle of living with an economy that relies on continuous growth forever. Part of me wants to be free of a disposable world.
I choose to live my life more responsibly. I choose to consume less. I choose to pursue a greater good where I give of myself selflessly. I choose to see a new paradigm emerging on Earth were we care for each other. Idealism. How my I serve?