Monday, May 28, 2012

More Rambling

This is a journal entry from Tuesday 5/22/12

Regrets. Maybe I would regret getting sick before I was able to begin living my life as I wish. But I may also regret it if I lost my job trying to do that and then didn't recover financially. There's pressure either way and the solution probably isn't “jumping off a cliff.”

Is the key to find my balance again? I'm still thinking sabbatical, but it won't help if I am worried about money and finding my next job the whole time. I need to sop worrying about money to start with. I often imagine winning the lottery, but can I learn to feel that I've already won the lottery? Whether it's the miraculous experience of live, or of god providing for my every need, that feeling seems feasible.

Can I learn to accept every experience as a gift from God?

I saw a video clip of a preacher saying that if all the gays and lesbians were rounded up and isolated, that we would die out because we couldn't reproduce. He must not realize that my parent's weren't gay. We don't reproduce, but we are part of the genetic fabric of humanity. Since we exist, we must have some part in the survival of our species. If we didn't exist, humanity may very well die out. Gays are necessary to the survival of our species.

It's funny. When I think about accepting everything as a gift from God, good by definition, I feel myself bracing for the worst. What if I really can expect the best?

This is a journal entry from Thursday 5/24/12

I felt like crying when I got to work today. I didn't take time to understand why. I was very unmotivated to get out of bed this morning and skipped my morning run. I'm not happy.

I'm scared. Maybe I wanted to cry because I felt vulnerable.

Is the time I spend being quiet and journaling just a way to stuff my feelings? Am I tamping my feelings down? I feel exhausted. I want to cry because I can't keep going. I can't keep pushing. I can't keep fearing. I can't keep doing whatever it is I do. How do I surrender? How do I give up? How do I quit? Quit fighting.

Stop fighting. I accept God's will and God's will is good. My job is to know that God is good actually, and not just in an abstract sense. My job is to be excited about being showered with God's good. I don't have to figure it out. I can just know that I don't have the whole story. Everything is good, beyond my wildest imagination.

This is a journal entry from Friday 5/25/12

Maybe I am caught up. I don't feel any huge pressure in this moment. Maybe I'm always caught up. There will always be something to do, so I can't wait for everything to be done before I feel caught up.

I want to create some images. I want them to represent me expressing my power. I want them to represent my power. I want them to represent my prosperity. I want them to represent my authenticity.

I see myself as one aspect of the universal life, shred by all living things. This is my authentic nature. What does my power look like? I don't want to answer quickly.

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