This is a journal entry from Saturday 4/21/12
I'm doing my best this weekend to connect with my inner commander. It's about honoring my decisions and claiming my authority. It's about having compassion for myself and not criticizing myself for not living up to unrealistic external expectations.
I keep thinking about things I should be doing. I don't want to force myself to do them, but just because I think I should do something doesn't mean I shouldn't.
I am not in control, but I am in command, even if I don't want command. No one else is in charge of me, but I don't want responsibility for my mistakes. We are born to make mistakes. We can't learn to do new things without mistakes.
I don't know how to take the pressure off. I feel like most anything I do is an escape that prevents me from seeing what's keeping me from relaxing. I can escape, but the underlying problem will remain.
I want a clean office, but I don't want to clean it. I see a ton of things I need to get done. Thinking about it makes me feel tired, so I avoid it and it gets bigger. There's a feeling I have to continuously push and that is what I am rebelling against. I'm tired. I can't keep pushing. That is the problem I don't want to face.
I'm tired. I can't keep pushing, but I need to keep pushing. But I'm tired.
Pushing is making me tired. I know I need to stop pushing. It's an ingrained habit. How do I break it? Not by escaping it. Commander, what do I do?
The thought that I need to keep pushing feels like the one that's not correct. It's a false belief. When the magic is strongest is when my power flows freely without pushing.
But I feel impatient. The energy doesn't flow, so I push. I can't force the flow, either. I need to pay attention and support the flow when it's there, but I can't force it. Maybe I can't even encourage it which is what my ego says to do. The flow stops if you're looking for it.
So, stop pushing and don't look for the flow. When I feel the flow, follow it and don't impede it.
This is a journal entry from Sunday 4/22/12
I found motivation to get things done yesterday. I bought a cocktail dress from Ross, some comic books from the comic book store, and some mulch to help some grass to grow. I washed and cleaned the jeep. Today, I cleaned up the den for a guest who's arriving in a few weeks.
These are not things that I would have thought were top priority, but it was what called to me.
I didn't have much human interaction this weekend.
I miss having people in my life that I had during my time in twelve step programs. A support group helped me develop and maintain my spirituality. I don't want to lose myself in a group, but some people who share my priorities and encourage me. I want people to laugh with.
Does a group exist that I can join? Can I create the group I want? What am I looking for in my group?
I like the twelve step format, but we don't have twelve steps. I'm thinking maybe a chance to share our spiritual programs, share trouble spots that we want to overcome.
This is a journal entry from Monday 4/23/12
A spiritual support group would be good, but I'm thinking about the camaraderie that existed between people. Conversation and coffee before and after meetings. It's not always deep and profound. It seemed to me to work because there was a regular get together of like minded people. It's easier than scheduling a coffee date because it just happened. I'm back to needing a community, a support group. I want sex and spirituality to be a part of the conversation. These can be tough topics to start, so there should be some way to facilitate it. It should be practical and useful
I saw a TED talk on vulnerability. There is a need to be vulnerable if you want to live an authentic fulfilled life. It means sharing who you are without the mask and risking rejection in order to connect with those who won't reject you. I want to go back and make some notes about it as there were some characteristics that are important I'd like to learn.
Maybe it was that people who are most happy and fulfilled pursue vulnerability as a way to find there authenticity. Again it feels like it's time to come out of the closet as a sex positive being.
It feels like I'm creating a new theology. There is only one God, regardless of your beliefs about him. Christian, Jewish, Islamic,... One and the same God. We all worship differently. One spirit. Science is a religion, too. It becomes a religion when you extrapolate beyond the scientific method to claim it is the greatest truth, but I digress.
I want to get together on a regular basis with people who want to explore and share their sexual/spiritual journey.
This is a journal entry from Tuesday 5/1/12
My partner is on his way to New York. I am on my way back to Austin. I look forward to seeing him again.
I need more people in my life. More lovers. My perspective is changing and I need help to preserve that. My consciousness is moving from a place of valuing money to valuing service. If everyone gave selflessly, why would we need money? I don't need.
It seems hard to open my heart. I felt it at Dear Love. So sad and sweet. When do I find joy? Maybe when I let go of my addiction to "sad and sweet," when I let go of my addiction to "life is hard." It's time to stop pushing and start flying
I want to see to my spiritual program. I want something heart centered and disciplined, probably involving self pleasuring. I want something that helps me live in the present and trust that it is good. I could focus on the awareness of the unity of all life, but I'm not ready to surrender the idea of a benevolent spirit that guides and creates us. I may reach the point where these are equivalent, but I'm not there yet. I like the way twelve step programs allow for sharing of experience strength and hope. I need some fellow sex monks.
Regarding the TED Talk on Vulnerability.
Courage, Connection Compassion, Vulnerability: Ingredients for a deep sense of worthiness.
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