Saturday, May 26, 2012

Slow Evolution and Feeling Rushed

This is a journal entry from Friday 5/11/12

I had the sense again of there being too many things going on at once, but now I think it has more to do with having time to do nothing. I need time for my head to settle.

I would like to begin dismantling my negative thinking, but I don't have a good awareness of those negative thoughts. They come and go leaving me feeling down, but I don't notice them until they're gone. Or I try to drown them out with distractions.
  • I've often thought that I wish I had more money so that I could pursue my dreams without having to work for other people, because work keeps me from doing what I feel called to do. For this reason, I resent work.
My goal is not to attack this thought, but to state it accurately, to be in tough with it and to allow it to be. It's difficult to keep my mind from churning on why I shouldn't feel this way.
  • I wish I had much more money so that I could do retreats and travel all year long.
  • My eyes often feel tired, and I have persistent neck tension, and I feel tired.
  • My cluttered office is unacceptable. I feel overwhelmed.
  • I don't know what to do, I don't have a vision. How do I want to earn an income? I've got too many things I want to do at once.
  • There are lots of things I think I can't do, that are beyond my ability and comfort. None of them are real.
I've defined a spiritual program for myself. It includes presence, exploration, and community. I will endeavor to make this the underpinnings of my life.

Now I will turn my attention to creating that plan that I think I can't create. In this plan, money will only be a byproduct. It means following a calling to help humanity find peace with itself.

I've just had the thought while reading Emerson that it is better to be myself than to try to be what I believe I am or what I think I should be. I've been trying to steer myself into being my true self by trying to figure out what that is rather than just allowing myself to be.

This is a journal entry from Monday 5/14/12

I am trapped. My neck is stiff. I am restricted. I am not where I want to be. I am where I don't want to be.

If I went home now and slept for two days, how would life be different? The world is moving too fast. Even when I sit still, I resist rushing. I need time to go deep, but no one has time for that. I don't have time for that.

I don't want to be left behind.

As I was writing about the rush of the day, I got an email about Heart of Stillness. I've already planned to do to Healing the Wounded Healer this summer – I'm already paid. It just felt like a coincidence and I don't believe in coincidences.

I need help. I need help finding my way. I imagine walking away from this job. I imagine giving myself the time to unwind and find my own natural rhythm. I imagine continuing to expand my consciousness by attending these retreats – but I can't imagine how I am supposed to use this to prosper. Prosperity. How do I prosper without this job? I don't understand how I can prosper without freedom, and I don't feel free.

How do I preserve this sense of what it would be like to live my vision of a spiritual life – a life of service. I don't know what I will be called to do until I am called to do it. How do I keep from being swallowed again by fears and self doubts? I feel like abandoning my relationships and risking sickness and death.

This is a journal entry from Tuesday 5/15/12

I've been toying with a new idea. It comes from my experience at Dear Love. At that time, I was able to see that it was more real than the “real world.” This new idea is that I can get back to that reality. I have the ability to live my life from that open hearted place of love and acceptance. I believe it has to do with my state of consciousness.

I imagine two circles with centers at different places. Each represents a reality. One is the world where everything is as it appears to be, rational. This is where most of us live, on the surface. Superficial existence where we must work for a paycheck and get the health insurance and survive on a daily basis. The other world is that world of love and acceptance I discovered earlier. I think of it as a spiritual world. I think this may be what Jesus was talking about when he spoke of the “Kingdom of Heaven.” I'd like to find a more secular, less emotionally charged term. People see it as a religious term, but it's an accessible state of consciousness that is our birthright.

My goal is to learn to live my life from that place, while continuing to live life in the world. In the end, how I make a living is irrelevant as long as I am living an open hearted life. I need others to help me know myself.

This is a journal entry from Friday 5/18/12

I need to remember that I Am a man. I Am a free man. I Am free and I have power. I am uncontrollable. That feels nice. I cannot be controlled.

I align myself with my core - as God created me to be. I must trust myself to be uncontrolled. I must follow my own highest understanding. As a man, I cannot be dissuaded from being fully authentic. As a woman, I cannot be dissuaded from following my heart.

I am not required to remain in this job. I can leave whenever I choose. I can follow my heart. I need to leave at some point, preferably after I find an insurance alternative but that's not necessary. I need to stop and relax and not be concerned for my finances as I allow my life to unfold. What does it look like?

I just realized that I sometimes get passionate about an idea and then try to calm myself down again. I want to learn not to do that.

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