Sunday, October 28, 2012

The Search for Goals and a Plan

This is a journal entry from Monday 10/15/12

I wonder how much time off I would need to feel balanced again. I'm not ready to go back to work. I”m already feeling dread and can't stop thinking about it. I'm tired of the tension. I need to give it more or get out. I need a job where I can feel my power, or rather I want such a job. I want time alone to go within and be. I'm tired of having to perform, or feeling like I have to perform all the time.

I'm demanding on myself. It's OK to do whatever I want. I still want to know how to support myself while I do that. I sense that I can support myself outside of a forty hour per week job. I think I can convert divinely inspired ideas into wealth, health and prosperity. I'm also concerned about American's fabulous excesses when so many are in poverty. I wish to nourish all parts of my soul, including the impoverished.

Thinking about all the creativity and energy people put into Halloween displays makes me wonder what would happen if it could be spent solving the world's problems. The world is in crisis, and that is what it's supposed to be at this moment. Americans see images of poverty and violence around the world and become more isolationist. Not everyone. The world is more dynamic. Some donate. Some lobby. Many narrow their focus to stay afloat.

We all need to nourish ourselves so that we may benefit others. I keep trying to figure it out, but there's nothing to figure out. The Universe will take care of itself with or without me. I need a sabbatical.

This is a journal entry from Tuesday 10/16/12

I need to not feel trapped. I'm thinking about a sabbatical to find out what is mine to do. I want time to let my vision come out without being continuously beat down by work. I want to be productive, but I feel tired.

I guess you need a plan to take a sabbatical. I don't have any vacation time for next summer's intensives. Could I do two or three over the summer to finish what I was trying to do and get my certification as a Sexological Bodyworker? Could I find a lower pressure job to take for six months that gave me the time I need? Can I use my sabbatical as a way to explore more fulfilling ways of making money? Independent business? How do you turn an idea into money? What else can I produce? How do I stop keeping myself from flowering?

I think the key really is to get out of my own way. I want some practical way of doing that. Getting out of my own way. Clearing my roadblocks. There's nothing you do to flower except to nurture and allow and protect. How do I protect myself from work? Do I leave it or find a way to embrace it?
  • Identify roadblocks.
  • Self nurture
  • Clear roadblocks
  • Pleasure
  • Meditation
  • Community

This is a journal entry from Wednesday 10/17/12

Nurturing myself doesn't mean satisfying every desire and self indulgence. That hasn't made me feel happy before. It means taking care of my animal. It means keeping a positive attitude, acknowledging my power.

This is a journal entry from Thursday 10/18/12

It doesn't feel intuitive or easy to keep things in perspective. My experience at work can't hurt me. All I'm doing is being and thinking and interacting during the day. I am not being threatened or tortured or mistreated. Nothing they say can harm me. The most they can do is fire me or lay me off. But I struggle. I want to accomplish my tasks. I'm afraid of disappointing people. When I can't do these things, I feel frustrated. I've felt very frustrated for a long time.

Why do I care? If someone else had unrealistic expectations, why do I feel hurt or pressured to meet them? I am always absolutely OK. No one can hurt me. I'm OK.

I can't control my emotions. Can I calm them? Can I protect myself from them? I feel so damaged.

This is a journal entry from Sunday 10/21/12

I want a simple plan. I can create. I am always creating. I want to come from a place of power. I don't want to be pushed around by work and life, at least not emotionally.

I have made plans before. Some have been complicated. Others have been oppressive or uninspiring. I want a plan I can use. I have lots of good ideas, so many that there's too much to do.

Taking time to get to know my power is the most important thing I can think of. Letting myself not be oppressed by fear. Letting my neck stretch. A good goal is learning to do that all the time.

I've always wanted to be the sidekick. I don't want the responsibilities of the hero. But I resent it when my own vision languishes. I want time to explore my vision, to let it unfold. Where do I want to go? I want to be financially independent where I don't rely on a job for income and insurance. This could be self-employment, or winning the lottery, or years of saving. It could mean trusting God to meet my needs. How do I do that?

Aside from this, I don't really know what I want. Writing software can be fun. Exploring Sacred Intimacy is scary and rewarding. I love the ideas of physics, but not the math.

Time continues to confound me. I don't have the time that I want to spend on my ideas. The world is so fast paced. Work takes up so much time. I want to design and write my own software. I like the power I feel creating something in that way, but there's too much other stuff to do.

I need help. If I had enough money, other people could take care of the time consuming stuff so that I could be creative. This may be the aspect of power I explore next. Can I create a world where I can be creative? I don't want to be manager of that. I want time to create.

I feel impatient, that time is running out. I don't want to “run out the clock.” But I also don't want to rush past things that are important to me.

When I was thinking about college and career, I went to the library and took notes and made copies of things that I thought I would go over when there was time. There was never any time. I've never had time to go as deeply into things I want to study and to explore. Everything around me goes too fast. I'm tired of it Is that a goal?

It's a quality of life. I want time to take care of my body and mind. I want a million dollar idea.

No comments: