My partner and I went to Key West for vacation from 10/6 through 10/16. This post doesn't really talk about that much, but records the journalling I did while I was there. I recorded my first video with another man on Saturday 10/13 that I will be including on my first DVD and posting to XTube, so I'm excited about that.
This is a journal entry from Monday 10/08/12
I'm on vacation. My intention is to relax my mind. I wish to use that relaxed state to imagine. I've never liked having to focus on how to earn money. That's part of the cultural foundation in which I live, but I wish to go deeper. The question isn't “how do I make money?,” but “what do I wish to give.”
I believe that part of that is developing and maintaining my consciousness. I am part of the same field of consciousness as other men. Yesterday on the boat, I felt separate. I lacked confidence and did not want to interact. My energy was low.
I need to be naked. It helps me connect with that innocence that is the foundation of life.
Now that I am away from the tension of work, my neck feels longer from not hunkering it down.
One of my difficulties is that when I try to see what is mine is that I see problems to overcome. It's hard for me to imagine the truth that everything is exactly the way it is supposed to be, but that is the crux of my message. That's what I want to focus on, my intention for the week.
I have infinite capacity to be. I can be naked. I can be homeless. I can be insane. I am unlimited. I have infinite capacity to create.
This is a journal entry from Tuesday 10/09/12
To relax my mind.
To know everything is exactly the way it's supposed to be.
I want to stop being so uptight. I don't know the key to that. Trust? I want to relax my mind, but I don't want to miss my whole vacation. I want to do what I want and enjoy myself.
I think the answer is what I discovered in Byron Katie. I'd like to cooperate with the universe, living moment by moment and finding fulfillment. I've been trying so hard to decide what to do, to be the cause continuously. All I see is me. I create what seems to come from outside me. I can let the world come to me. I can meet the world.
This is a journal entry from Wednesday 10/10/12
I have low self esteem. I trust other people more than myself. I am afraid of people. I try to hide who I am even when I don't know what that is. I am faking it. I've always recognized feeling shy, but I have not linked it to this feeling of not having the same value as other people. I let others be who they are and try not to judge them and then try not to offend them with anything I do. This is why I have such good experiences when I sit and let myself be aware of my power. If I can feel that sense of empowerment when I'm with other people, then I will be free. Then I am free.
This is a journal entry from Friday 10/12/12
I'm trying to decide what to do. I would still like to make the video, but I'm having trouble figuring out the location. I'd love a nice outdoor shady spot, but the spot reserved for massage is in sight of the cafe. Outdoor space is limited.
I haven't spoken to management here about what I'd like to do. We still haven't got a massage table. I need to speak to someone here who has power.
Either I don't really fit in this world or I fit too well. I don't see anyone else as naked as I m and as sexual as I am, but other men sometimes let down their guard and stop acting like prudes.
This is a journal entry from Saturday 10/13/12
I may be recording my first video with another person this morning. I am nervous. I accidentally came last night while high on poppers, so I wanted to call and cancel. I keep finding opportunities to cancel.
This is a journal entry from Sunday 10/14/12
I was able to get the footage yesterday for my DVD. I was able to stick with it and feel good about it.
I don't feel relaxed. This resort has the promise of sex, but it's still hard to come by. The energy here is draining. Since we recorded my movie, we've lost our seats by the pool. There was no where else here to relax but the room which defeats the purpose of being in a resort.
I was up late last night and did way too many poppers. I want to relax before going back to work, so the texture of my vacation needs to change.