Monday, May 27, 2013

Intentions and Callings

This is a journal entry from Monday 5/6/13

I know what needs to be done. Instead of stepping into my power, I've been focusing on tasks. I've still been pushed forward. I need to record the last scene for the DVD, but I have no confidence in it. I'm not in my power.

My job for today is to tap into my power, to surrender to my ideals. I give myself permission. How do I step into my power today?

This is a journal entry from Tuesday 5/7/13

My intention for Sacred Intimacy training... I am looking for more than just a sex class, but that would be a good start. I've left a full time job that pays well because I want to know what is possible for me.

I have had  a sense of a more spiritual life, where I rely on God to support me and to be an agent of God. I imagined stepping out and being fully present in the moment. I imagined being so in tune with God that I could perform miracles, or what looked like miracles.

I am afraid to completely surrender to God because I don't know what will be asked of me and because I am afraid that I will have to give up everything.

My intention is to be acknowledged and respected in community, to learn to be less uptight.

This is a journal entry from Thursday 5/9/13

I'm waiting out a severe thunderstorm at a naked yoga retreat.

I'm thinking back to what I was reading in Soulcraft about the calling. I don't remember an event. I've been frustrated at work and considered just traveling across the country. I've been overwhelmed working for two massive companies. I haven't felt fulfilled. My life felt stuck. I'm not aware of any events that would give me clues about my next act, but I've chosen to leave my well paying job and search for my soul's purpose. So far, my story has been about getting away from work I don't like. Sacred Intimate is the only sign post I've found. I don't know what it means.

This is a journal entry from Friday 5/10/13

I'm going to take it step by step from the Soulcraft book. First, it asks about the fear.

So the fear... As I wrote that, someone walked up and started talking to me.

The fear is that I am being called to do more than I can do, that I will experience the pain of others and my heart will break. I'm afraid I will be swallowed up by the pain and anguish of those I would help. I believe everyone has the ability to perform the same miracles as Jesus. I'm afraid that too many people will come to me for healing and I will be sucked dry. I'm afraid I will be crushed by anguish.

When I feel this fear, it becomes a terror. Much of the time, I keep a distance from this emotion by focusing on the day to day details of life. Judging and fearing other people. I feel overwhelmed by the depths of their need, if I sense they need me.

Then Soulcraft says to describe the call itself in great detail. I don't recall when I first felt the call, but there must have been a time when I first thought about surrendering to serve God, as I believed him to be.

Actually, I remember sitting in the fraternity house and looking at a t-shirt from a party where everyone wrote on each other's shirts. I was in my room at the frat house sitting on the bed and I looked at the t-shirt. I was overwhelmed with a sense of meaninglessness. From that point, I tried to suppress that feeling. “I quit smoking once, but fuck that!” I quick fucking once, but smoke that!”

But when did I first sense the possibility of doing the work of God, when I realized if I totally trusted and followed him that I could do all the miracles he wanted through me? When did I first consider being a seeker? When did I become attracted to the thing that scared me the most?

I remember being at the end of the driveway cursing God for the emotional pain I felt. I remember dropping to my knee when a thunderbolt hit nearby. I remember the Bible story where Jesus tells a disciple to fish and finds a coin to pay taxes. I remember a moment of perfect clarity looking out the window at plants and trees in the Spring with the window open on the breeze. No thoughts. Perfect peace. I remember a taoist erotic massage where I realized that the universe was perfect – even the things that cause us pain is good in the overall totality of existence. Everything has a reason and the reason is good – in the end. I remember a cold cloudy drizzly December day when I was in knots of pain over a man I felt strongly about, when there was a tiny opening in the clouds and a warm shaft of sunlight came through the opening and warmed me and I smiled and the thought came that “misery is an option.” I remember the mountaintop experience I had at Dear Love where I recognized the feeling I was experiencing was the way it was supposed to be – more real than the “real world” I returned to.

The underlying theme is that the world is much bigger than I know or can know. The safety I feel with a regular job and health insurance and a place to live and food to eat is completely false. Most people today have a false sense of knowing what the truth is. The world is so much bigger than we know or can know.

This is a journal entry from Saturday 5/11/13

I wasn't in a good mood last night. It was wet and cold and I couldn't get comfortable by the fire. I've been focusing on my writing and reading and I've been hanging out with my tribe, but I feel tired. I don't feel like interacting, but this is my chance not to isolate.

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