Friday, May 24, 2013

Soulcraft and My Calling

This is a journal entry from Tuesday 4/30/13

I'm thinking about my calling. In the past, I've thought about following my calling and been overwhelmed with dread. This hasn't been about doing anything in particular, but in following the path God has planned for me.

The Christian faith is based on the Son of God who most perfectly embodies God on Earth. His reward for following the light within him is to be crucified. It makes sense that following in Jesus's footsteps would mean to experience great personal suffering of the same kind. So I resist.

Just before I went to the mental institution (in 1990?), I became aware of myself as a child of God – awake on some deeper mystical level. I became afraid that people would come to me like the messiah and then hurt me when I couldn't help them.

More recently when I think about being a healer, it feels too big, too painful. I feel like a tiny speck, swallowed up. I don't feel strong enough. It's too much.

This is a journal entry from Thursday 5/2/13

None of this matters. It doesn't matter if I run or do Orgasmic Yoga this morning. Trying to decide what to do, to organize my day as a linear sequence of events is not important. It's not important.

What is important is recognizing myself as important. I am important. I don't like writing this down because I project that those who read it will think I'm saying that I'm more important than other people. I feel egocentric saying “I am important,” but I know I don't mean it that way. I'm just trying to overcome the feeling that I am not important, that I am less important than the people around me.

I am important and so are you. I feel an emotional charge.

This is a journal entry from Friday 5/3/13

The book I'm reading is describing a “call to adventure” like it's an event, but other parts of the book have been relatable even though I haven't had a specific time I felt my calling.

A few times over the past few years, I've felt a calling to be a healer. It feels overwhelming. It feels painful. I imagine surrendering to my higher good and all I see is pain and sacrifice, but I am still attracted to it. This work feels heart breaking. I only catch glimpses.

I like making men cry.

This is a journal entry from Saturday 5/4/13

Maybe I haven't received my calling yet. Maybe I'm afraid of it because I think it will mean pain.

In the example from Soulcraft, it wasn't about knowing immediately your life's mission,  but about setting off to find what that mission is. It's about a direction to search. That very well could have been when I was unhappy at a company I worked for a few years ago and set off toward Sacred Intimacy at Dear Love of Comrades

This is a journal entry from Sunday 5/5/13

Who would I be if I wasn't trying? If I let myself be? Not focusing on what I need to do next or trying to figure out what I want to do?

I have been feeling down for a few days. I haven't felt motivated to work on the things I want to work on. I prefer to find ways to avoid it. I'm at a point where I could record the last video for the DVD, but I'm resisting it. My energy is off. I want to be at a higher place when I record this, but I'm full of self-doubt.

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