Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Loyal Soldier

This is a journal entry from Wednesday 5/15/13

The past few days have been busy. I've burned some copies of my DVD. I sent one to the model and one to Joseph Kramer. I've dried out the camping gear from the weekend's Naked Yoga camp-out. I've mowed the grass and balanced the pool chemicals. I've been running.

Now, I take a breath.

This is a journal entry from Thursday 5/16/13

When I had finished the main scenes for the DVD, I had planned recording one more scene that would tie everything together. I couldn't do it. It didn't feel right. It was something I needed to do, but didn't want to do, so I was stuck.

It was then I looked for what else I could do and became open to guidance. That's when I decided to put together some snippets and narration. It worked. It was the ideal solution, but I didn't notice while I was hung up on what I had to do.

So, what does that mean about my office? I don't want so much stuff. It's clutter. In the same way, I have a certain idea about what I need to do and I don't want to do it. There is a better way that I haven't found yet. If I let go of how I think it should be, what is possible?

This is a journal entry from Saturday 5/18/13

The book I'm reading (Soulcraft) makes the point that there's an aspect of myself that protected me as a child to help me remain hidden and safe. It's not that I feel there's something I'm hiding or that I don't feel comfortable telling people about myself, but that I'm still trying to stay hidden.

This is a journal entry from Monday 5/20/13

I had a dream this morning. I can only remember the last bit. It had to something to do with “you don't have to be a superhero to be a hero.” I remember closing the back of the Jeep with gear inside. It had something to do with saving lives.

I had another recognition before I got out of bed, but I don't know how to put it into words. Maybe it had to do with the dream earlier. It was waking up to life. It was a feeling free to do what is important to me.

This is a journal entry from Tuesday 5/21/13

The Soulcraft book talks about the Loyal Soldier sub-personality. It's the aspect that protected me from harm when I was growing up. I can recognize it as what keeps me from feeling I can express myself openly. My job now is to develop a relationship with him in that I can get him to release his grip on me.

I've also noticed the recurring theme of a dream where I'm trying to get home at the end of a vacation. It may be packing suitcases or trying to catch planes. Last night, I was in touch with my mortality again and think the dream about vacations ending is about death. We'll see.

This is a journal entry from Wednesday 5/22/13

I'm thinking about authenticity. I never have to go back to the job that I quit. I can move into a field where I can be authentic. I don't know what that looks like yet.

I'm someplace where I don't feel safe being myself. I can feel my Loyal Soldier keeping me under wraps. There's nothing in particular I want to say that would get me in trouble. It's only a feeling of vigilance and guardedness. My defenses are up without my partner here to protect me.

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