The word "I"

I feel weak, but I know that I am strong. It is not I that does the work. My perspective is skewed again. What do I mean by “I?” My brain is tired of churning. Maybe I should stop using the word “I” since it is ambiguous. I, body? I, mind? I, experience? I, universe? This body and mind feels tired. This universe seems peaceful when focus is not on mind. Detachment. Let this mind focus on universal peace. Let this body focus on it's pumping heart and breathing lungs. What seems right to do? Is it possible? Can life be lived without the phantom self of “I?” Life seems simpler focusing on what is, rather than evaluating and judging its impact on my person.

What is my part?

I'm turning my attention back to the big picture again. I want to imagine what I would be doing if all my needs were met and I had nothing to fear. I don't want the need to make money or have insurance to be the driving factors. In the modern world with our fabulous technology, I can literally design my life.

There's the stream where I take care of my own needs and there's another stream where I am serving. I envision a world where man is a custodian of the Earth and of the life that lives here. In practical terms, I can see that some of us don't share that calling. It may be nothing more than feeling they are just a cog in a larger machine, that they are merely doing what is necessary to survive. It costs too much. Life will be hard. I have to protect my own interests. I need to defend myself. Others are evil. I won't do anything anyone else tells me to do. I won't do anything anyone else tells me I should do.

But wanting to be a custodian, I still burn fossil fuels, contribute to the pollution, and believe I am also just a small and insignificant part with no ability to fulfill my own aspirations.

We argue with each other instead of looking for solutions. We deny our power, waiting for someone else to solve our problems. The sense of everything falling apart is palpable. If only our side can get the opposition out of the way, then we will be OK. How do we reunite our compassion with our strength?

What is my part? What is my mission? I begin within. I accept my mortality and move forward. I sense my power and feel the breath in my lungs. At any moment, I come back to a calm space and recognize that things are not as dire as my emotions tell me. I walk in my power. I live in my power. That's probably the most important lesson for me at this moment.

How can I feel my power more? Erotic self pleasuring. Recalling when I stood in my power to get a job with insurance. Being still and present.

I practice my power by continuing my writing, sharing these ideas of self sacrifice for the greater good, of empowering myself and others to recognize our strength and take action to work together for the sake of ourselves and all life on Earth.

A time to risk?

This is a journal entry from yesterday, Saturday March 17, 2012

I have a new post on my adult blog: Bathhouse F#@k!

I've made my life complicated again. There are things I want to experience – like serving as a Sacred Intimate and making my first porn movie. It has lead me to heightened stress. For maximum flexibility, I need more simplicity. Life is complicated enough. I need more time to find my spiritual center.

At the same time, I need to involve others on my path. I also don't want to look at my current studies as something I have to do to get somewhere else. I want maximum reality and meaning and depth. I also have HIV. My t-cells are dropping. I'm losing weight. My kidneys are straining and I have high blood pressure. I'm aware that my time in this form is limited. It's time to find the courage to be true to myself to live life from my spiritual strength, to be dangerous, to risk death and shame.

Being True and Expecting Good Things

If I am willing to accept the things I fear most (for my higher good) - the things that I think would be worst - I must also be willing to accept the things that I feel good about that are around me all the time. Freedom, prosperity, fulfillment, power, happiness.

I am OK. There are options for what I can do, but I am OK. If there's a reason for raising my energy level, it's to realize that I'm OK. It's one critical piece of information that I often forget.

I can't spend all my time preparing myself emotionally for the worst if I don't also prepare for the best. I dwell on avoiding what I don't want to experience. What do I want?

I want knowledge about what I want. I want my life to align with my highest potential in the eyes of God. I want the time and money to go to more workshops. I want to be free of money.

I let myself feel how it feels to be OK. How can I perpetuate that into my daily life?

More than that. How do I learn how to leave my cage? How do I wake up and focus on what's important while ignoring what is not true? I want to escape right now - back into the comfort of my cage.

First, I forget about what makes money and what doesn't make money. Money is the tool of the wealthy to subjugate the general population. Money is a cult.

How do I serve the community and society. I am not a socialist, but capitalism seems corrupt. The more people who genuinely contribute to the welfare of the Earth and all her inhabitants – the less we need money and government. The system now favors the corrupt(*See comment below). Maybe this lack of government focus could be called idealism. Idealism is incorruptible, so long as it focuses on the welfare of the whole. Do not resist anyone or anything as that only empowers what you resist. Do only good. Become stronger so that you are more able to do only good and persecute no one. This is the birth of freedom espoused by liberals and the obsolescence of government espoused by conservatives.

To be true to myself, I need to be faithful to the ideal of sex work and erotic healing which will land me in jail at some point. It would make me an outcast among many who do not understand and a hero to those who do. This is my religions faith. It's unfair for the faith of one to trump another.

Learning to see the cage

My erotic energy is off. Over the past week, I've had the opportunity to make two sexual goals manifest. These are things I have been working toward and dreaming about. In each case, I encountered resistance, a pulling back, a recoil. What are my emotions trying to tell me?

I certainly have the capacity to do the things I want to do. I've done them before. Things are just not right. These things are not resonating right now. Resonate is the right term, I think.

Lately, I've been pouring my erotic energy into making a porn movie. I have not been open to other opportunities. I'm trying to direct things in a specific direction. I do not feel flexible. I imagine the secret to loving “what is” includes flexibility.

That's good, but I still feel off. I'm not really willing to sell my time, or to surrender to another. I need to take care of myself first. Right now, it's too much. How do I strengthen myself?

These journal entries are little windows into my thought processes. Now I turn to the idea that there are times when there is something I think I have to do, or that I think I really want to do but that I resist. So I work on something else but never really let go of what I was avoiding. It hangs over me. I do something that I think prepares me for what I was avoiding... That's not it. I'm fishing... Right now, I want to resolve whatever is going on or discover whatever I need so that I can have a flogging experience. But instead of focusing on being flexible and present in this moment, I'm focused on what I need to overcome myself and get my flogging, or to have my first escort client, or to tape the first scene of my first movie.

In the past, I've mentioned becoming aware of my cage. It's a cage of comfort. One part of me wants to be free. Another part wants to remain comfortable and fears losing the familiar. So what I really want is to be able to care for myself so that I have the strength to be free. It means being comfortable with uncertainty and unpredictability. It means learning to resist the things that I know distract me from my truth. It means developing or encouraging my sense of humor, I think. It means learning to let go of what I think I know so that I can see what really is.

On Feeling Rushed

This is a journal entry from Thursday, March 1, 2012

I have a new post on the ADULTS ONLY blog: Two Paths of Pleasure and Masculine Erotic Energy

I started to wonder how to get up early enough to go to the gym in the morning without feeling rushed. Then I realized it's the “feeling rushed” part that is causing the problem. I was able to go to the gym this morning and get to work a few minutes late. Even though I was able to go to the gym, enjoy the smell, feel my body, and be naked in the locker room, I was not happy. The only reason I went to the gym was to feel happy, and I was able to cheat myself out of that experience.

I am not my thoughts. My thoughts are within me. I am not this body. I am embodied.

I'm still trying to change the way I feel without knowing how I feel. I need to take care of my animal. I need to feed it, clean it, and keep it warm. I'm responsible for taking care of its needs.

I am responsible for my consciousness. It is how I experience the world. If I'm unhappy, I'm reacting to some aspect of myself. My time is precious and I have exactly the right amount of time. There's no need to rush. Rushing makes me unhappy. I have exactly the right amount of time whether or not I rush. I enjoy life more if I don't rush.